Thursday, February 26
I feel I should excuse the lack of decent updates, but I don't really have much to defend myself with. I haven't been spectacularly busy, no matter how soon the coursework essay's due in (5 days and counting).
I bought the first issue of Loose Lips Sink Ships. It smells wonderful, and I'm looking forward to reading it. I have actually been doing some reading of late. I've read a couple of poetry books by Edna St Vincent Millay, and I'm currently on a book of Robert Frost poems. Poetry books are good to read, as they're rarely over 100 pages long, and still count towards my goal of reading 10 to 15 books by the summer.
Plans to go to Sheffield for a weekend in a fortnight or so are underway. I haven't seen Cinnamon in so long, I doubt he'll remember me but it would be nice if he did. I want to see Tom and Jennie (at least I think she's called Jennie) again too, they're nice people and I can probably talk them into giving me a hug or two. Tom suggested organising a mini B3ta bash, which sounds fun, as long as it remains "mini" only. I don't know if people will want to come and meet me though, as I started a bit of an argument yesterday around the usefulness, or lack of, of children, and another argument earlier in the day around phobias, mental health and how friends and relatives of those who suffer with them should try to help the person cope with it. In summary, I don't think I made myself any friends. Nevermind, there are worse things which could happen. 13:38
I bought the first issue of Loose Lips Sink Ships. It smells wonderful, and I'm looking forward to reading it. I have actually been doing some reading of late. I've read a couple of poetry books by Edna St Vincent Millay, and I'm currently on a book of Robert Frost poems. Poetry books are good to read, as they're rarely over 100 pages long, and still count towards my goal of reading 10 to 15 books by the summer.
Plans to go to Sheffield for a weekend in a fortnight or so are underway. I haven't seen Cinnamon in so long, I doubt he'll remember me but it would be nice if he did. I want to see Tom and Jennie (at least I think she's called Jennie) again too, they're nice people and I can probably talk them into giving me a hug or two. Tom suggested organising a mini B3ta bash, which sounds fun, as long as it remains "mini" only. I don't know if people will want to come and meet me though, as I started a bit of an argument yesterday around the usefulness, or lack of, of children, and another argument earlier in the day around phobias, mental health and how friends and relatives of those who suffer with them should try to help the person cope with it. In summary, I don't think I made myself any friends. Nevermind, there are worse things which could happen. 13:38
Tuesday, February 24
Tef was lovely enough to send me in the direction of this lovely cartoon about raver STDs. Ah, if only I had the chance of such a delight...
20:09
Sunday, February 22
Similar to the world map of visited countries, here's my map of visited counties:
Which counties have you visited?
Map reproduced from Ordnance Survey map data by permission of the Ordnance Survey. 23:42
Which counties have you visited?
Map reproduced from Ordnance Survey map data by permission of the Ordnance Survey. 23:42
Saturday, February 21
I haven't blogged this week due to the art course. It went really well and I'm proud of the progress I've made. I managed to go to every day, and not to come home early either. There was a couple of exercises I didn't like and which were on the verge of upsetting me, but I managed to stop for five minutes, breathe deeply, tell myself that this wasn't important and thus not worth worrying so much over, and then carry on. Pity I can't apply that technique to my photography essay. I still haven't added anything else to it and now there's only 9 or 10 days left until it has to be finished. Looking at the essay makes me depressed and upset, I feel useless and like I shouldn't be on the course. I considered leaving, but I don't want to, overall I enjoy it. I considered not handing an essay in, or at least only handing in what I already have, no matter how much the teacher complains at me, but I expect he may refuse to enter me for the exam if I don't complete it. It probably isn't too late to withdraw me from the exam. I contemplated killing myself, so I don't have to leave the course or do the essay, and although it's a silly thing to commit suicide over, it's still my favourite option. Suicide scares me though. There's so many things I want to do and experience, why should I give all that up? And I've always reacted to unfavourable situations by backing out of them and refusing to deal with them. It would be nice to make a change. But I'm frightened by the unknown and will stick to a routine, no matter how damaging, purely because it is routine. I detest myself for it yet lack the courage to make changes. I guess I could argue that this is actually the reason for killing myself, and the essay is just the latest manifestation of it, but is that just cowardice? I think it's one big, self-perpetuating circle which I can't find my way out of. (Rory thinks such situations should be called sarahisms.)
On the more mundane side of life, my lack of control with food is still wild and free to roam. Not helped by the fact that 300g of Maya Gold bought for me by Ed arrived today. It was the parcel the postal depot were keeping from me and not a CD from Ebay as I was expecting. I managed to catch the postman yesterday as he was delivering me some letters and he said he'd bring the package along for me. I've eaten some of the chocolate already. I wonder if Beanos would take the rest in exchange for some of the new cherry flavour which I've been coveting for some time? It's more expensive, thus there would be less to soak into my thighs, and I seem to be the only Green and Blacks fan who hasn't tried any yet.
The poster we put up at SHIP last week asking if people were interested in restarting the women's group has attracted quite a bit of interest. With luck we might manage to get the group going again, which will give me more support, and more things to do. Maybe I'll find some people to help me with my eating issues too.
On Thursday I went out to the pub with Phil, Tom, Rogan and his flatmate, Chris. Phil hadn't wanted to go to the George pub quiz this week so we agreed to meet at Milos, by the corn exchange, the night after instead. She found that Milos was owned by one of her college lecturers, so we quickly left and went elsewhere. I had a fun evening, got a little drunk, had some good conversation. Phil insisted she did like me, and considered me a friend, which made me feel good. If she tells me a few more times I might start to even believe her! Also, when I was leaving the taxi at the end of the night, I said to Rogan that I might see him next week, and he replied that that would be good. It sounded genuine, and at the risk of tempting fate, I think I might have eventually found some people in Leeds to call friends. 22:15
On the more mundane side of life, my lack of control with food is still wild and free to roam. Not helped by the fact that 300g of Maya Gold bought for me by Ed arrived today. It was the parcel the postal depot were keeping from me and not a CD from Ebay as I was expecting. I managed to catch the postman yesterday as he was delivering me some letters and he said he'd bring the package along for me. I've eaten some of the chocolate already. I wonder if Beanos would take the rest in exchange for some of the new cherry flavour which I've been coveting for some time? It's more expensive, thus there would be less to soak into my thighs, and I seem to be the only Green and Blacks fan who hasn't tried any yet.
The poster we put up at SHIP last week asking if people were interested in restarting the women's group has attracted quite a bit of interest. With luck we might manage to get the group going again, which will give me more support, and more things to do. Maybe I'll find some people to help me with my eating issues too.
On Thursday I went out to the pub with Phil, Tom, Rogan and his flatmate, Chris. Phil hadn't wanted to go to the George pub quiz this week so we agreed to meet at Milos, by the corn exchange, the night after instead. She found that Milos was owned by one of her college lecturers, so we quickly left and went elsewhere. I had a fun evening, got a little drunk, had some good conversation. Phil insisted she did like me, and considered me a friend, which made me feel good. If she tells me a few more times I might start to even believe her! Also, when I was leaving the taxi at the end of the night, I said to Rogan that I might see him next week, and he replied that that would be good. It sounded genuine, and at the risk of tempting fate, I think I might have eventually found some people in Leeds to call friends. 22:15
Wednesday, February 18
Yes, another B3ta conversation.
Batsgirl: I like the idea of non-denominational churches, basically a nice quiet place where people of any or no faith can go for peace and space and time to think and/or pray.
Jadeviper: they're called art galleries 08:47
Batsgirl: I like the idea of non-denominational churches, basically a nice quiet place where people of any or no faith can go for peace and space and time to think and/or pray.
Jadeviper: they're called art galleries 08:47
Saturday, February 14
OK, so I haven't blogged the Big Important Conversation I had earlier in the week. The gist of it goes as follows.
Rory and I have both recently signed up to Orkut. We were discussing what each other had put in their profiles and I commented on the fact that his relationship status is down as being "open relationship". Personally I don't feel as if I am in a relationship with him. When pressed for what I would classify as a relationship though, I found it hard to answer. It could be said that two (or more) people with a large emotional attachment to each other are in one, and more so if they rely on each other for some necessity, whether it be money, food, sex, emotional support, or any other examples. If you look at it like that, Rory and I are very much in a relationship. I guess I stopped considering myself as being in one when I stopped being sexually attracted to him and the amount of sexual acts we did with each other dropped to near zero. However there is a huge emotional attachment which I can't deny or ignore, and wouldn't want to. I rely on him for encouragement, support, praise, help, advice, and many other things, including an internet connection, a good source of porn, book and music recommendations, hugs and, admittedly quite rarely, a fun time in time in bed. If I left my profile displaying my relationship status as single, some people could get the wrong idea. Rory pointed out that if he was a stranger who got to know me, and was under the impression I was single, when he would eventually discover Rory, he would probably be quite shocked and feel misled. And it's true. He said what if it was the same for him? If I consider myself single, then surely he's free to go and form a new relationship with whom ever he chooses. I thought about that and realised that should it happen, I wouldn't react very well at all, and it's most likely that the same things would happen as what happened when Simon formed a new relationship. The thought of treating Rory like that upset me quite a bit, and so it became obvious that although some people may not classify the interaction between Rory and I as a relationship, it certainly was not not a relationship (if you follow).
Some hard thinking was required, some reassessment of myself and his place within my world. I decided that it's probably best if I also say I'm in an open relationship, though that doesn't fully explain what exactly goes on. The only way I could properly describe it is by saying "I have a Rory" but that means nothing to most people. It's a difficult position, but not one I'd rather I wasn't in. I owe so much to him, and he to me (though my lack of self-belief and self-confidence doesn't feel good saying it) and the only thing I'd exchange our relationship for is the same interaction we have with each other but with someone who was slim, tattooed, pierced, had dyed hair and was female. But I could just be saying that because I was looking at Suicide Girls again today. 22:37
Rory and I have both recently signed up to Orkut. We were discussing what each other had put in their profiles and I commented on the fact that his relationship status is down as being "open relationship". Personally I don't feel as if I am in a relationship with him. When pressed for what I would classify as a relationship though, I found it hard to answer. It could be said that two (or more) people with a large emotional attachment to each other are in one, and more so if they rely on each other for some necessity, whether it be money, food, sex, emotional support, or any other examples. If you look at it like that, Rory and I are very much in a relationship. I guess I stopped considering myself as being in one when I stopped being sexually attracted to him and the amount of sexual acts we did with each other dropped to near zero. However there is a huge emotional attachment which I can't deny or ignore, and wouldn't want to. I rely on him for encouragement, support, praise, help, advice, and many other things, including an internet connection, a good source of porn, book and music recommendations, hugs and, admittedly quite rarely, a fun time in time in bed. If I left my profile displaying my relationship status as single, some people could get the wrong idea. Rory pointed out that if he was a stranger who got to know me, and was under the impression I was single, when he would eventually discover Rory, he would probably be quite shocked and feel misled. And it's true. He said what if it was the same for him? If I consider myself single, then surely he's free to go and form a new relationship with whom ever he chooses. I thought about that and realised that should it happen, I wouldn't react very well at all, and it's most likely that the same things would happen as what happened when Simon formed a new relationship. The thought of treating Rory like that upset me quite a bit, and so it became obvious that although some people may not classify the interaction between Rory and I as a relationship, it certainly was not not a relationship (if you follow).
Some hard thinking was required, some reassessment of myself and his place within my world. I decided that it's probably best if I also say I'm in an open relationship, though that doesn't fully explain what exactly goes on. The only way I could properly describe it is by saying "I have a Rory" but that means nothing to most people. It's a difficult position, but not one I'd rather I wasn't in. I owe so much to him, and he to me (though my lack of self-belief and self-confidence doesn't feel good saying it) and the only thing I'd exchange our relationship for is the same interaction we have with each other but with someone who was slim, tattooed, pierced, had dyed hair and was female. But I could just be saying that because I was looking at Suicide Girls again today. 22:37
Friday, February 13
Yesterday turned out to not be the super-long, tiring day I was expecting it to be. Andy was far too tired to stay at work until 8pm, so the evening group was cancelled. I didn't find out until I arrived at SHIP though, so I stayed and ate the pie and ice cream I'd bought from Beanos and then had a long conversation with Tamsin. She's leaving SHIP as she's realised that when her benefits finish soon they won't give her any more as she's essentially currently working full time. SHIP has no funding to pay for her to work there, so she has to go. She said that Bradford Mind had advertised some jobs which she was going to apply for, so at least she has direction. It seems she's doing quite well, all in all, which is great news.
I had to go for a blood test this morning. The neurologist recommended I had one, so off I went. I was scared. I don't like people sticking things in my body. It was over quickly though, and at the end the nurse gave me a sticker which features a panda and says "I've been brave at the doctors today." I've stuck it on to my computer monitor. It makes me feel slightly better as I groan and whine at my essay, and try desperately to find other things to do. 15:25
I had to go for a blood test this morning. The neurologist recommended I had one, so off I went. I was scared. I don't like people sticking things in my body. It was over quickly though, and at the end the nurse gave me a sticker which features a panda and says "I've been brave at the doctors today." I've stuck it on to my computer monitor. It makes me feel slightly better as I groan and whine at my essay, and try desperately to find other things to do. 15:25
Thursday, February 12
I'm part way through the busiest day I've had in months. I had lunch in the college cafe, but they didn't have any hummus or pasta today, so I had to make do with, er, a cous cous sandwich. The trip to the psychiatrist's went reasonably well. He was running 50 minutes late, but I had a book with me so I didn't mind too much. He said that my neurologist had suggested we reduce my medication dose, but I was wary of trying this due to the mood fluctuations I've been having recently. We agreed to keep it as it is for the time being, and reasses in June or July. He's going to transfer me to a different psychiatrist, one who I won't have to cross half of Leeds to see, and who also will hopefully not slyly tell me that I'm not actually ill, I just think I am, as he is wont to do. This session left me contemplating the possibility that I may not have depression, I could have just grown up a bit. Twunt.
13:20
Wednesday, February 11
I found this wonderful site. She's gorgeous, her photography is beautiful; I'm immensely jealous.
Did I say there's a parcel for me to pick up at the postal depot? I've been ringing them for a week to arrange to collect it and they haven't answered the bloody phone. I'm registering a complaint later.
Have a big, important conversation to record, but I'm too tired to do it now. It will probably have to wait until Friday, as tomorrow I'm going to see my psychiatrist, I have to go to college to do the printing for my project, and then I have the support group in the evening. I expect to be a rather tired bunny. 17:18
Did I say there's a parcel for me to pick up at the postal depot? I've been ringing them for a week to arrange to collect it and they haven't answered the bloody phone. I'm registering a complaint later.
Have a big, important conversation to record, but I'm too tired to do it now. It will probably have to wait until Friday, as tomorrow I'm going to see my psychiatrist, I have to go to college to do the printing for my project, and then I have the support group in the evening. I expect to be a rather tired bunny. 17:18
Monday, February 9
I got depressed again. I'm listening to Fosca right now though, which is cheering me up a bit.
B3tan conversations I wanted to save part 40589058 (or something like that anyway). Discussing how boring the Bible is to read:
goat: They should rewrite the entire thing as a dirty limerick.
Moses - Book of Exodus.
There was a young man from canaan,
Whose God was a big bearded man,
He said "don't go killin
Or in Hell you'll be livin'
Unless it's all part of my plan."
See, a few dozen pages in the space of 5 lines. 18:26
B3tan conversations I wanted to save part 40589058 (or something like that anyway). Discussing how boring the Bible is to read:
goat: They should rewrite the entire thing as a dirty limerick.
Moses - Book of Exodus.
There was a young man from canaan,
Whose God was a big bearded man,
He said "don't go killin
Or in Hell you'll be livin'
Unless it's all part of my plan."
See, a few dozen pages in the space of 5 lines. 18:26
Sunday, February 8
Despite there being no need, I'm feeling as if I should respond to the accusations thrown at me from Car Crash Blogs. I never stop complaining? Well why should I? Being content with everything in the world is a sign of blandness, of self-centred obsession, of being able to ignore all the horror and atrocities which are committed every day in this world and which most people choose to forget about, convincing themselves that it isn't really happening, or it doesn't actually exist. I don't want to be like that. I want to complain, to argue, to refuse to accept life as it is, to want to make changes, to carry on striving for something better, something different, to look for new experiences, new ways, new worlds. I don't want to be content and happy. In that sense, happiness is death. I want to be one of the people who stands up and tries to make a difference, I want to matter.
If I talk about what I eat or why I'm depressed, it's because these things are important. I have depression. I have an (unspecified, unclassifiable) eating disorder. What I eat is crucial to how I feel. And it should be obvious that how I feel is the most significant aspect of my life at any one point. This is why they are mentioned here. I need to keep a record. And whilst I'm on about this particular record, no one's being forced (to the best of my knowledge) to read this blog. People do so through choice. If you're reading to make fun of me and laugh at what I write, it's still a choice. If what I write isn't to your pleasing, then bugger off and read someone else's blog. I'm writing for me, not for anyone else. If I'm being truly honest, I publish what I write because (1) it's an extra section to my site, (2) provides me with more hits, and (3) there's a chance someone who's having similar problems to me may read this and find some kind of help through it. It's the basis of the self-help groups - sharing experience in the hope that others will find it useful, in any way, to hear what you have to say. Even if it's only, "My god, I'll never do that! How stupid of her!" at least it's ruled out that option for them. In any case, I wouldn't want to please everybody. I like the fact that some people dislike what I write here. It's far superior to generate negative feelings in an audience than to leave them feeling slightly dull but with neither a sense of adoration nor abhoration. I want to make people feel things, what it is they experience is irrelevant to me. So really, what the Car Crash writer said about me, is actually a great compliment. 15:21
If I talk about what I eat or why I'm depressed, it's because these things are important. I have depression. I have an (unspecified, unclassifiable) eating disorder. What I eat is crucial to how I feel. And it should be obvious that how I feel is the most significant aspect of my life at any one point. This is why they are mentioned here. I need to keep a record. And whilst I'm on about this particular record, no one's being forced (to the best of my knowledge) to read this blog. People do so through choice. If you're reading to make fun of me and laugh at what I write, it's still a choice. If what I write isn't to your pleasing, then bugger off and read someone else's blog. I'm writing for me, not for anyone else. If I'm being truly honest, I publish what I write because (1) it's an extra section to my site, (2) provides me with more hits, and (3) there's a chance someone who's having similar problems to me may read this and find some kind of help through it. It's the basis of the self-help groups - sharing experience in the hope that others will find it useful, in any way, to hear what you have to say. Even if it's only, "My god, I'll never do that! How stupid of her!" at least it's ruled out that option for them. In any case, I wouldn't want to please everybody. I like the fact that some people dislike what I write here. It's far superior to generate negative feelings in an audience than to leave them feeling slightly dull but with neither a sense of adoration nor abhoration. I want to make people feel things, what it is they experience is irrelevant to me. So really, what the Car Crash writer said about me, is actually a great compliment. 15:21
Friday, February 6
I've just been looking at my site stats. I've had visitors from the UK and USA, as expected, plus the Netherlands, Belgium, Australia, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Canada, Romania, Singapore, Germany, Ireland, Belarus, Israel, Spain, Sweden, Denmark, Brazil, New Zealand, Malta, the Seychelles, Japan, Poland and, er, the USA Government. Manchester Met Uni accounts for 4% of all my hits, despite issuing 0 page requests.
It seems that Car Crash Blogs is currently linking to me. What is a car crash blog? you might say. They explain themselves as:
"What makes a good blog? One that has many interesting things to say; that points you in the direction of fascinating facts; that can tell you where to find the funniest thing on the web ever; that is so socio-politically on the ball that goverments shape their policies by them. Addictive because of their essential content, these are what blogging is all about.
Here you will find none of these. Here is where you will find the antithesis of the truly fascinating blog. A collection of bloggers who choose to publish the minutiae of their daily lives for the world to see. Whether it wants to or not. And frequently, it doesn't.
Yet there is something compelling about reading about nothing, in much the same way as we feel helpless to deny our instincts when driving past a horrific accident. We can't help, we can't offer any advice, but we can slow down, stare, and shake our heads ruefully, turning to our travelling companions to say 'That could have been us, you know'."
This blog is described as "A proud exponent of the what's wrong with me/what I eat/why am I so miserable style. Masterfully constructed for maximum self interest. Almost never stops complaining, quite an achievement." I feel quite proud about this. At least I'm good at something.
It seems all the blogs they mention are run by B3tans, thus I suspect the creator is a B3tan themselves. Mary's blog is described as "should become a handy reference guide to the tangled sex life of most of b3ta." Hey, that's only half the story! I've had as many B3tans as she has, you know.
The biggest search query request hit thingumy was for "slut blog", followed by "slut confessions" and "natacha merritt". Another interesting one was "dildo sold at spencer gifts" and "jackie annual 1979". I guess this site hasn't really been around for long enough to generate some truly interesting search strings. However some people found me by searching for the answers to the King William's College quiz, which reminded me that I never did go to check how I did. The answers are here, I scored 7. 23:06
It seems that Car Crash Blogs is currently linking to me. What is a car crash blog? you might say. They explain themselves as:
"What makes a good blog? One that has many interesting things to say; that points you in the direction of fascinating facts; that can tell you where to find the funniest thing on the web ever; that is so socio-politically on the ball that goverments shape their policies by them. Addictive because of their essential content, these are what blogging is all about.
Here you will find none of these. Here is where you will find the antithesis of the truly fascinating blog. A collection of bloggers who choose to publish the minutiae of their daily lives for the world to see. Whether it wants to or not. And frequently, it doesn't.
Yet there is something compelling about reading about nothing, in much the same way as we feel helpless to deny our instincts when driving past a horrific accident. We can't help, we can't offer any advice, but we can slow down, stare, and shake our heads ruefully, turning to our travelling companions to say 'That could have been us, you know'."
This blog is described as "A proud exponent of the what's wrong with me/what I eat/why am I so miserable style. Masterfully constructed for maximum self interest. Almost never stops complaining, quite an achievement." I feel quite proud about this. At least I'm good at something.
It seems all the blogs they mention are run by B3tans, thus I suspect the creator is a B3tan themselves. Mary's blog is described as "should become a handy reference guide to the tangled sex life of most of b3ta." Hey, that's only half the story! I've had as many B3tans as she has, you know.
The biggest search query request hit thingumy was for "slut blog", followed by "slut confessions" and "natacha merritt". Another interesting one was "dildo sold at spencer gifts" and "jackie annual 1979". I guess this site hasn't really been around for long enough to generate some truly interesting search strings. However some people found me by searching for the answers to the King William's College quiz, which reminded me that I never did go to check how I did. The answers are here, I scored 7. 23:06
It seems my depression has cleared. I woke today feeling fine. It was a strange feeling. I tried to ring the postal depot as a couple of days ago I received a card saying they're holding a parcel for me, I should ring to rearrange redelivery etc. I've been trying for three days now. They refuse to answer the phone, or switch it on to the answering machine. I am not impressed. I also decided it was about time I started playing with Soulseek again. The mourning period for all the information I lost in The Great Computer Crash of January felt like it was over and so I'm back to trying to get hold of mp3s by unheard-of indie bands.
My dad rang at lunchtime to ask if I wanted to go to Ikea and the supermarket. Always one for a trip to Ikea, I said yes, and we set off about one o'clock. Ikea are having a bit of building work done but there was still a large collection of the pretty, the shiny, the bizarre, the fluffy and the downright ugly on display, and that was just the clientele. I came away with two packs of black and white landscape photo cards which where probably taken by Ansel Adams, two packs of picture frames for said cards, and a pack of 9 mirror tiles. Way back in time, when the earth was young and I still went to Rios, Tamsin found a stack of mirror tiles in the house her family had just moved into. Being artistically inclined, she decided to do exciting things with them. The one I felt was most effective was where she rubbed away the back of the tile using sandpaper until there was just a glass layer in the centre and mirror surrounding it. She then used them to frame some photographs and magazine clippings, and they looked ace. I wonder if it would be too much like copying for me to do something similar?
We left at about quarter past three. Trying to navigate your way around the selection of roundabouts they have nearby isn't the easiest of things. We were in the middle lane, about to turn left to leave the roundabout, when a 4 wheel drive comes up behind us on the left. Dad slowed down to let it pass but it managed to hit his left bumper, just past where I was sitting. Click for a photo. Obviously dad was none to pleased. He carried on the roundabout, and both cars pulled up in the inner lane on a section of the roundabout between exits, dad with his emergency stop lights on. He stormed off to go get the details from the driver, which seemed to take ages. While they were still doing this, a large vehicle rescue truck from the Highway Agency pulled over, and a bloke got out to shout at them, telling them if they stayed there they'd end up killed, and that they should go down another road where it was more safer to stop. Dad let the other car set off first, but the driver didn't go down the suggested road and instead took the one which led onto the motorway. They pulled over in the hard shoulder as soon as they could, but dad wound the window down, said they couldn't stop there, and so we all set off again. When we left the motorway, there was some built up traffic at a set of traffic lights, and the other car changed lanes to try and pass them quicker. Dad also signaled to change lanes, but no one would let him in. And so we lost the other car. Dad had managed to get the driver's name and address, and the car registration. He was complaining about his car, as it's an expensive one and I know he thinks highly of it (for some reason. I find it bewildering that someone can be so attached to car.) I told him to be grateful the crash hadn't been more serious. Later he said he didn't think this was going to be a good year for him, as we were only five weeks into the year and already he'd been ill three times and damaged his car. I pointed out that is he thought like that then he would only notice all the bad things which happened and would disregard the good. I said that the fact he offered to take the family on a cruise where the tickets were £1,500 each and that he could afford this must surely be counted as a good thing. He didn't say anything in response.
The supermarket was full of the usual array of imbeciles, pensioners and screaming brats. I long for a supermarket where the only people who are permitted to enter are those who understand that blocking aisles can be annoying, that standing blocking an aisle crossroads while deciding which way to go can be infuriating and that shuffling along at snail's pace whilst a queue of angry shoppers builds behind them will never result in them being made the people's choice for Shopper of the Year. Whilst I was in the supermarket I picked up a copy of the Times for Stuart, as he's becoming something of a celebrity. His web guide to Carluke has today been featured in his local paper, the Metro (free paper given away on public transport), the Scotsman and the Times. He's also going to be giving an interview on BBC Radio Scotland. The Times' article manages to encapsulate the site perfectly. 18:01
My dad rang at lunchtime to ask if I wanted to go to Ikea and the supermarket. Always one for a trip to Ikea, I said yes, and we set off about one o'clock. Ikea are having a bit of building work done but there was still a large collection of the pretty, the shiny, the bizarre, the fluffy and the downright ugly on display, and that was just the clientele. I came away with two packs of black and white landscape photo cards which where probably taken by Ansel Adams, two packs of picture frames for said cards, and a pack of 9 mirror tiles. Way back in time, when the earth was young and I still went to Rios, Tamsin found a stack of mirror tiles in the house her family had just moved into. Being artistically inclined, she decided to do exciting things with them. The one I felt was most effective was where she rubbed away the back of the tile using sandpaper until there was just a glass layer in the centre and mirror surrounding it. She then used them to frame some photographs and magazine clippings, and they looked ace. I wonder if it would be too much like copying for me to do something similar?
We left at about quarter past three. Trying to navigate your way around the selection of roundabouts they have nearby isn't the easiest of things. We were in the middle lane, about to turn left to leave the roundabout, when a 4 wheel drive comes up behind us on the left. Dad slowed down to let it pass but it managed to hit his left bumper, just past where I was sitting. Click for a photo. Obviously dad was none to pleased. He carried on the roundabout, and both cars pulled up in the inner lane on a section of the roundabout between exits, dad with his emergency stop lights on. He stormed off to go get the details from the driver, which seemed to take ages. While they were still doing this, a large vehicle rescue truck from the Highway Agency pulled over, and a bloke got out to shout at them, telling them if they stayed there they'd end up killed, and that they should go down another road where it was more safer to stop. Dad let the other car set off first, but the driver didn't go down the suggested road and instead took the one which led onto the motorway. They pulled over in the hard shoulder as soon as they could, but dad wound the window down, said they couldn't stop there, and so we all set off again. When we left the motorway, there was some built up traffic at a set of traffic lights, and the other car changed lanes to try and pass them quicker. Dad also signaled to change lanes, but no one would let him in. And so we lost the other car. Dad had managed to get the driver's name and address, and the car registration. He was complaining about his car, as it's an expensive one and I know he thinks highly of it (for some reason. I find it bewildering that someone can be so attached to car.) I told him to be grateful the crash hadn't been more serious. Later he said he didn't think this was going to be a good year for him, as we were only five weeks into the year and already he'd been ill three times and damaged his car. I pointed out that is he thought like that then he would only notice all the bad things which happened and would disregard the good. I said that the fact he offered to take the family on a cruise where the tickets were £1,500 each and that he could afford this must surely be counted as a good thing. He didn't say anything in response.
The supermarket was full of the usual array of imbeciles, pensioners and screaming brats. I long for a supermarket where the only people who are permitted to enter are those who understand that blocking aisles can be annoying, that standing blocking an aisle crossroads while deciding which way to go can be infuriating and that shuffling along at snail's pace whilst a queue of angry shoppers builds behind them will never result in them being made the people's choice for Shopper of the Year. Whilst I was in the supermarket I picked up a copy of the Times for Stuart, as he's becoming something of a celebrity. His web guide to Carluke has today been featured in his local paper, the Metro (free paper given away on public transport), the Scotsman and the Times. He's also going to be giving an interview on BBC Radio Scotland. The Times' article manages to encapsulate the site perfectly. 18:01
Thursday, February 5
I finally made it to the pub quiz last night. I was considering not going. I've been depressed all week since I got weighed on Monday morning, thinking I could cope with the results, but I was wrong. Last night I felt awful and just wanted to curl up and sleep. I don't have Phil and Tom's phone number though, so I wasn't able to get in touch to say I wouldn't be there, and I did want to go and be sociable. I decided in the end to go, reasoning that if it was awful or if I felt worse, I could always leave.
I was glad I went though. We had fun, and it took my mind off being depressed. Phil, Tom and Rogan were all there, plus Katie and Joe who I hadn't met before. Well, I might have met Joe when I went to the pub quiz at the Royal Park a couple of months back, but I find it hard to remember people, so I can't be sure. I don't think I made a large contribution to the quiz answers, but these things are rarely taken seriously so I don't think it mattered too much. Our team managed to score 29 out of 40, which apparently is the best they've ever done, but the biggest margin they've ever lost by (the winners scored 36). Rogan tried to convince us there was a Thunderbird called Alan and Phil told us about her mum's dog and his amazing vacuous stomach. How he once ate a whole Christmas cake in a couple of seconds and a few hours later threw back it up in virtually the same form as which it had been swallowed. And the time Tom had been eating Dorritos and the dog ate the crisp packet, followed by it's own dinner, both of which were then regurgitated, the dinner inside the crisp packet.
Still not touched the essay. Stupid thing. Tried cheese, carrot and sultana sandwiches for lunch. Recommended, nice they were. Simon was meant to come round for hugging last night, but didn't and didn't ring to say why either. Worrying. The sun is out today, it makes me smile. 14:49
I was glad I went though. We had fun, and it took my mind off being depressed. Phil, Tom and Rogan were all there, plus Katie and Joe who I hadn't met before. Well, I might have met Joe when I went to the pub quiz at the Royal Park a couple of months back, but I find it hard to remember people, so I can't be sure. I don't think I made a large contribution to the quiz answers, but these things are rarely taken seriously so I don't think it mattered too much. Our team managed to score 29 out of 40, which apparently is the best they've ever done, but the biggest margin they've ever lost by (the winners scored 36). Rogan tried to convince us there was a Thunderbird called Alan and Phil told us about her mum's dog and his amazing vacuous stomach. How he once ate a whole Christmas cake in a couple of seconds and a few hours later threw back it up in virtually the same form as which it had been swallowed. And the time Tom had been eating Dorritos and the dog ate the crisp packet, followed by it's own dinner, both of which were then regurgitated, the dinner inside the crisp packet.
Still not touched the essay. Stupid thing. Tried cheese, carrot and sultana sandwiches for lunch. Recommended, nice they were. Simon was meant to come round for hugging last night, but didn't and didn't ring to say why either. Worrying. The sun is out today, it makes me smile. 14:49
Wednesday, February 4
Tuesday, February 3
Stuff I forgot to mention earlier:
* I saw the first crocuses today. They were on the corner of Hyde Park, I caught a short glimpse of them as the bus rushed past. I must go up there with a camera some time this week.
* For our photography project (text illustration), Emily is doing Bowl of Oranges. I think she was quite happy to discover another Bright Eyes fan, as she said no one else had ever heard of the song. I told her she needed to get hold of Fevers and Mirrors.
* The Fosca CD I bought from Ebay arrived today. The sleevenotes tell us that "the following drugs were used in the making of this record: paroxetine, fluoxetin, caffeine, asprin, st john's wort, kava kava, paracetamol, nicotine." Sounds like they had fun. 19:53
* I saw the first crocuses today. They were on the corner of Hyde Park, I caught a short glimpse of them as the bus rushed past. I must go up there with a camera some time this week.
* For our photography project (text illustration), Emily is doing Bowl of Oranges. I think she was quite happy to discover another Bright Eyes fan, as she said no one else had ever heard of the song. I told her she needed to get hold of Fevers and Mirrors.
* The Fosca CD I bought from Ebay arrived today. The sleevenotes tell us that "the following drugs were used in the making of this record: paroxetine, fluoxetin, caffeine, asprin, st john's wort, kava kava, paracetamol, nicotine." Sounds like they had fun. 19:53
Yesterday at Swarthmore was much more enjoyable than the preceding week. We continued to draw geometric shapes, a cylinder this time. Well, it was actually a can of Baked Beans, but that's irrelevant really. We also had to add shadow and then colour it in using pointillistic techniques. In the afternoon I constructed my slab pot, it's a cube with a lid essentially. I was quite proud of it though, it was fun. Next week we're starting on using moulds.
Photography again today. I had an easy day, not much work was done. I went to a second hand CD shop and bought two copies of the NME, for later burning. They charged me £1 a copy! The original price was only £1.05, six years ago! I only bought two as a result, I was planning on getting three or four, to make sure I had enough material for the photographs, but I can't afford to spend four pounds on magazines I'm only going to burn. After lunch, Becca and Charity posed for me outside college as I attempted to recreate the line "lovers leave in the rain at 5am, never to be seen again." Unfortunately it had stopped raining by then, and I couldn't really get the shots I ideally wanted. I was envisaging something along the lines of this shot, only with two people added. Hmm, I'll see what I can create in the darkroom first, before I write off all the shots as useless.
I also wanted to try and do the NME shots today, but the tutor didn't want me making fires in college, even if it was in the courtyard. However I then sat around for half an hour with nothing else to do, and he told me go off and burn things. The hypocrisy! Instead I went to Morrisons and then came home. It had started raining again. Typical. 16:46
Photography again today. I had an easy day, not much work was done. I went to a second hand CD shop and bought two copies of the NME, for later burning. They charged me £1 a copy! The original price was only £1.05, six years ago! I only bought two as a result, I was planning on getting three or four, to make sure I had enough material for the photographs, but I can't afford to spend four pounds on magazines I'm only going to burn. After lunch, Becca and Charity posed for me outside college as I attempted to recreate the line "lovers leave in the rain at 5am, never to be seen again." Unfortunately it had stopped raining by then, and I couldn't really get the shots I ideally wanted. I was envisaging something along the lines of this shot, only with two people added. Hmm, I'll see what I can create in the darkroom first, before I write off all the shots as useless.
I also wanted to try and do the NME shots today, but the tutor didn't want me making fires in college, even if it was in the courtyard. However I then sat around for half an hour with nothing else to do, and he told me go off and burn things. The hypocrisy! Instead I went to Morrisons and then came home. It had started raining again. Typical. 16:46
Monday, February 2
A quick note, as I should have left the house by now, but I'm still here at my computer: The Observer on how ace it is to be single and a whole new movement promoting single life.
09:32
Sunday, February 1
I've just had my first ever home-made (well, as home-made as you're gonna get with me) pizza!
It featured onion, red pepper, spinach, mushrooms, a tomato and garlic bread pizza base thingumy from Morrisons, and vegan cheese made from, bizarrely, rice and oats. It would have been a bit more colourful as I was going to include sweetcorn but I seem to have run out. I was also going to add herbs but I forgot until I was finishing the last bite. So the verdict? Mmm, good!
I don't do things in small amounts though, so I have a bowl of vegetables left over which wouldn't fit on the pizza. I'm going to cook some pasta later and stir them in, so I can take it with me tomorrow for lunch. I don't think leaving them in an uncovered bowl in the fridge was the best of ideas however, as the fridge now smells of raw onion. Ah well, you can't win them all, as they say.
Yesterday's trip to see David was also successful. My worries around Amy were unfounded. She wasn't there when we arrived at their flat, but she came in soon after. She was friendly and smiled at me, offered me tea. There was no major signs of affection between them, as I was worried that if there had been I would become jealous or depressed, but I was spared. She mostly stayed out of the way, reading the paper in the bedroom, but I didn't feel she was avoiding me / us. Hopefully at some point, if I can start seeing David on a somewhat regular basis, I might be able to count her as a friend too. In an attempt to not lose touch with David again, I asked if he'd come see the Loves and the Seven Inches play at the Royal Park in a couple of weeks. He said he wasn't sure if band practice was on Tuesday or Wednesday that week, but he'd let me know.
As for the photographs, the whole reason of going round there in the first place, it went reasonably alright. David was hungover, and as I mentioned to Rory a few days ago, in general looks like he would be more at home stroking kittens and bunny rabbits than furiously smashing a guitar in a rock 'n' roll frenzy. His attempts to look gruff and fierce made me laugh and giggle far too much, but it was very amusing. I managed to take quite a few shots in the end, but they'll probably come out blurred and dark, the rainstorm outside meant I had to use a long exposure to make up for the lack of natural light. My hands aren't steady at the best of times either, but the blurriness may add to the spontaneous effect I want. I asked David if Amy and he would pose for me in an attempt to recreate the image of "lovers leave in the rain at 5am, never to be seen again," but Amy was far too shy. I'll ask my class on Tuesday to see if anyone would be willing to do it for me, as I need more images than some budding flowers and David pretending to smash his guitar. I was going to buy a copy of the NME and burn it, but that means buying the NME. I may resort to this though, it would bring me great personal joy. 16:23
It featured onion, red pepper, spinach, mushrooms, a tomato and garlic bread pizza base thingumy from Morrisons, and vegan cheese made from, bizarrely, rice and oats. It would have been a bit more colourful as I was going to include sweetcorn but I seem to have run out. I was also going to add herbs but I forgot until I was finishing the last bite. So the verdict? Mmm, good!
I don't do things in small amounts though, so I have a bowl of vegetables left over which wouldn't fit on the pizza. I'm going to cook some pasta later and stir them in, so I can take it with me tomorrow for lunch. I don't think leaving them in an uncovered bowl in the fridge was the best of ideas however, as the fridge now smells of raw onion. Ah well, you can't win them all, as they say.
Yesterday's trip to see David was also successful. My worries around Amy were unfounded. She wasn't there when we arrived at their flat, but she came in soon after. She was friendly and smiled at me, offered me tea. There was no major signs of affection between them, as I was worried that if there had been I would become jealous or depressed, but I was spared. She mostly stayed out of the way, reading the paper in the bedroom, but I didn't feel she was avoiding me / us. Hopefully at some point, if I can start seeing David on a somewhat regular basis, I might be able to count her as a friend too. In an attempt to not lose touch with David again, I asked if he'd come see the Loves and the Seven Inches play at the Royal Park in a couple of weeks. He said he wasn't sure if band practice was on Tuesday or Wednesday that week, but he'd let me know.
As for the photographs, the whole reason of going round there in the first place, it went reasonably alright. David was hungover, and as I mentioned to Rory a few days ago, in general looks like he would be more at home stroking kittens and bunny rabbits than furiously smashing a guitar in a rock 'n' roll frenzy. His attempts to look gruff and fierce made me laugh and giggle far too much, but it was very amusing. I managed to take quite a few shots in the end, but they'll probably come out blurred and dark, the rainstorm outside meant I had to use a long exposure to make up for the lack of natural light. My hands aren't steady at the best of times either, but the blurriness may add to the spontaneous effect I want. I asked David if Amy and he would pose for me in an attempt to recreate the image of "lovers leave in the rain at 5am, never to be seen again," but Amy was far too shy. I'll ask my class on Tuesday to see if anyone would be willing to do it for me, as I need more images than some budding flowers and David pretending to smash his guitar. I was going to buy a copy of the NME and burn it, but that means buying the NME. I may resort to this though, it would bring me great personal joy. 16:23
Looking at the map of all the countries I haven't been to has got me thinking. I want to go see the world! I want visit Paris and Rome and Prague and Reykjavik and Venice and Amsterdam and more. So I've decided I'm going to do it. It means saving money up, but I have quite a bit in the bank right now, which is a good start. I'll need much more though, so I'm going to wait twelve months, that should be more than enough time to accumulate the necessary funds. And what point is money if you don't spend it? I've never understood that. So next year, some time in 2005, I'm going to go travel round Europe. And it's going to be ace, damn it.
But that's not enough. There's things I want to do now which I can do, it's just a question of picking a quiet weekend or week and being organised. Thus I've decided within the next six months I want to have been to see Cinnamon in Sheffield; to possibly go see Ed in Cardiff; to have finally made it to the Film and Photography Museum as a "supporting work" effort for my photography course; to be taking regular exercise; to have read at least 20 of my unread books; to be eating a more balanced diet; and probably lots of other things I can't remember right now.
I'm determined. I can't waste my life just playing Minesweeper and Snood for hours every day. If I want to become the person I want, the person I can be, someone to admire and respect, I need to take control. I'll never "burn in bright colours and go pop, be giddy, impulsive and silly, kiss people in new places - exquisitely - and dare to tear things apart" with my current lifestyle. And it's the perfect time to make this resolution too. It's currently Imbolc, the festival of the start of Spring, of new beginnings, a celebration of the signs of hope of banishment of the dark and winter. (Was there too many "of"s in that sentence?) So I make my pact with myself, change is on the horizon, so mote it be. 12:48
But that's not enough. There's things I want to do now which I can do, it's just a question of picking a quiet weekend or week and being organised. Thus I've decided within the next six months I want to have been to see Cinnamon in Sheffield; to possibly go see Ed in Cardiff; to have finally made it to the Film and Photography Museum as a "supporting work" effort for my photography course; to be taking regular exercise; to have read at least 20 of my unread books; to be eating a more balanced diet; and probably lots of other things I can't remember right now.
I'm determined. I can't waste my life just playing Minesweeper and Snood for hours every day. If I want to become the person I want, the person I can be, someone to admire and respect, I need to take control. I'll never "burn in bright colours and go pop, be giddy, impulsive and silly, kiss people in new places - exquisitely - and dare to tear things apart" with my current lifestyle. And it's the perfect time to make this resolution too. It's currently Imbolc, the festival of the start of Spring, of new beginnings, a celebration of the signs of hope of banishment of the dark and winter. (Was there too many "of"s in that sentence?) So I make my pact with myself, change is on the horizon, so mote it be. 12:48
