Went to the pub tonight. Had arranged on Sunday with Phil that we would go, but they didn't turn up. I phoned them both, their phones were switched off, and waited half on hour in the pub, alone, wearing a short skirt and make up (I had decided to make an effort for a change). Caught the bus home and got hassled by some bloke who said I had "a lovely figure" and asked whereabouts I lived and so on. I don't think I'll be wearing a skirt again for a while. Simon didn't come round for hugs, or ring me as he said he would, and at SHIP this afternoon I had to cope with Andy and June both making disgusting eating noises in my ears which almost caused me to scream. It's not been a good day. On the plus side though, there was some pretty clouds in the sky this evening. 23:19  

I spent a lot of time over the weekend talking to Ed, trying to help find ways out of his depression. I suggested he made a list of all the things which made him happy or glad to be alive, read it regularly and to try and indulge in them. So I've made my own list:

• sunrises and sunsets
• bagels
• hummus and roast veg sandwiches
• walking barefoot on grass
• walking barefoot on sand
• playing on the swings
• thunderstorms
• receiving letters in the post
• hugs
• long candlelit baths with bubble bath
• a friend smiling
• being able to make a friend smile
• Fevers and Mirrors
• long phone conversations until 2 am
• glow in the dark stars
• going for walks at midnight
• sleeping in clean bedsheets
• Maya Gold and its Cherry counterpart
• spacehoppers
• Careless Talk Costs Lives
• The Art of Looking Sideways
• exciting underwear
• corsets
• glitter (in any form)
• kittens
• hodgehegs
• fields full of flowers
• willow trees
• freshly baked bread

No doubt the list will be added to repeatedly at later dates. 10:13  

I haven't been updating as Ed's here and I haven't had much free time in which to blog. We've been getting in plenty of hugs and also played scrabble (as there's little else to do here), helped make willow fish at the youth club, spent an evening at the pub quiz with Phil and Tom, went round the art college end of year exhibitions which were mostly wonderful, went shopping in Bradford, gave Ed two henna tattoos on his back, went to see Mango Kiss which was quite good but also corny, cliched and a propaganda piece promoting monogamy, talked lots, saw a photography exhibition about gardens which was excellent in some places but dull on the whole, and went to the pub with Tamsin for a gossip and catch-up. Later today we're off to the Doodle Day organised by Oblong then Simon's coming round. Tomorrow we're meant to be going to the Bradford Mela with Tamsin then maybe seeing Robin's Hood. It's a busy time.

Elsewhere on the internet, Green Fairy has been composing poems on modern day issues. First she told us about her shopping trip on Oxford Street through the medium of haiku. This was followed by a villanelle on dusting bookshelves. Next we were treated to "A Triolet Concerning Scented Sanitary Products". Her latest offering is "cinquains on vibrators, casseroles and my toilet". However she's promised us "An Ode To Liquid Latex", which I expect will be the best of them all. 10:18  

I went walking in the rain. It's been flowing heavily all day, but there was a dry spell so I decided to venture out in search of cheese or chocolate. I took my umbrella in case the rain started again but when it did I didn't use it, I decided to just enjoy the rain for a while. I had forgotten how wonderful walking in the rain is. The air is so fresh and cool, there's barely anyone around or on the roads, so you can have the streets to yourself. The sound of raindrops on leaves and puddles is familiar and reassuring, hypnotic almost. I deliberately decided to get wet, it's good to let go once in a while, knowing you can come home to a warm drink and a change of clothes so it doesn't matter if the ones you're wearing get drenched. I wanted to jump in the puddles, but I don't think I was quite ready for that. Maybe next week. It's nice to revert to childhood games sometimes. 18:09  

I hate weekends. Really, really, really hate them. During the week I have activities, things to do, people to see. At the weekend I have nothing and the tedium is too much to bear. All the people I know are busy doing their own things and don't have time for me. I have to spend the time on my own, finding ways of making the time pass as quickly as possible. I'm not feeling inspired to read recently, there's nothing I particularly want to take photographs of, there's nothing I can think of making, no one to invite over and nothing to do with them even if I did, nothing to add to this website. The only things I can think of doing are sleeping and eating. And you can only do so much of those.

Thankfully, because it's the summer, often small events are organised for part of a day, such as the sale in the park last weekend, or Unity Day, which is in August. These tend to be quite rare though and don't fill the whole day. There was one this morning - a jumble / car boot / bring and buy sale at All Hallows, where I go to the yoga class. A perfect chance to get rid of the shit I accumulated intending to resell it on E-bay, but never got round to. Dragging two black bin liners up the hill full of things wasn't fun, but I made it. I ended up making around £12, which wasn't too bad, even if most things weren't sold. I also might have made a friend, also called Sarah, who lives a few roads away. She's gorgeous and thin and pretty and has long dreadlocks and lives with her boyfriend. Hmm. She also gave me a lift home with all the stuff I didn't sell. We swapped phone numbers, hopefully she might be able to find me some things to do in future weekends. At this rate I might have to resort to alcoholism. 17:58  

Been forgetting to blog recently. Not good. Somethings have even been happening. I had my interview at college for the diploma course and got accepted immediately, which was great news. I won a competition for two tickets to a film at the Lesbian and Gay Film Festival and a t-shirt, I went to the yoga class for the second time tonight and had great fun again, and probably other good stuff which I can't remember. Dad managed to persuade Powergen I don't owe them £300, though they now want me to give them £125. Ed's coming for hugs and papier mache on Tuesday, and we're also going to go round the end of year exhibitions at college. 23:47  

I have discovered sour fruit Opal Fruits. In particular, the cherry and raspberry flavours. I am in heaven. Mmmmmm, damn these are good. 18:01  

I haven't updated recently due to apathy. It's a bugger, but so easy to succumb to. Life hasn't been particularly interesting either, I suppose. A selection of being hot, being lonely and being asleep. Speaking of being asleep, I had an awful nightmare a few hours ago. The details are getting fuzzy now but it was truly horrifying for me and I woke up slathered in sweat. The nightmares are a side effect of my medication, especially as I'm on so high a dose, but I'm reluctant to try a lower dosage in case the depression comes back and I stop being able to cope. I know I'll have to reduce it at some point, I just don't want to do it yet.

Spent Sunday in the company of my parents. This isn't exactly my favourite way of spending my time, but it was unavoidable as I had to print out some photographs of the work I've done at Swarthmore to show at my interview on Thursday. Dad had bought me bagels and hummus even though he'd asked if I wanted him to buy me any food for the short time I'd be there, and I'd said no. I resisted bringing them home too, which he wasn't happy about, but no doubt my thighs were.

Yesterday at Swarthmore was a mixed bag. We were doing lino block printing again, and I wasn't happy with my creation, especially when you saw what everyone else was making. I became disheartened and depressed, as I had become in the morning when everyone was being so noisy and I couldn't get any peace and I kept cutting all my glass pieces wrong. I'm making another stained glass window, but despite all the delays and problems, I still managed to cut all my pieces, around 35 of them, in the lesson, which impressed everyone else.

Some snippets of conversation from yesterday:
A classmate was saying that her husband's mother is getting to the age where she's becoming very forgetful. At the weekend she discovered three tv remote controls in her handbag. One was hers, but she has no idea who the others belong to, especially as she can't remember who she's been to see.
Someone else said that her husband's cousin died a fortnight or so ago. They found out as they had rung up in a general, friendly manner to enquire after his health which had been failing recently, to be told the news by his work colleagues. He had been a doctor, you see, and his handwriting was that bad that they couldn't read his address book to notify his friends and family of his death. His wife was no use either as she'd died a month before. It's not nice to laugh at, but I can't help but smirk. 09:32  

Have loads to say but none of the arsedness to say it. In summary, woo for pub quiz; am feeding Phil and Tom's cats this weekend whilst they're away; Simon finally got his new tattoo; Rory's not coming over on Wednesday; got my interview date for the college diploma through - 3pm on Thursday; am going over to my parents on Sunday to print out photos for the interview; am meant to be going to my first yoga class later but I keep forgetting about it. 17:08  

Woooooooooooooooo! We won the pub quiz! We get £15's worth of beer free next week! I am so happy, I odn't know why. This seems like the best thing to have happened in ages. 23:41  

I've had a bad day. It's been immensely hot, I had to walk through town to buy electric fans for SHIP which made my leg start hurting again, I ate too much and felt shit and horrible, and now some bloke on Soulseek is banning me "because you share only old things and not interesting". I questioned him further about this and he said "when a user dl on me i see in these files if he has a records who interest me. If not, i banned him." Which I don't think is a very good way of going about things. I agree with banning a user if they're not sharing any files, but to ban people because you just don't like their taste in music? It equates with nazism in my mind. Anyway, must go, Mark Radcliffe is on again in 10 minutes. 22:13  

Last night was the first show of Mark Radcliffe's new career on, *snigger*, Radio 2. With the exception of Mark and Lard's last show for Radio 1, I haven't listened to them in 4 years or so but I tuned in last night regardless, ready to give him the benefit of the doubt and start again with a fresh slate. And I'm very glad I did so. I've listened to his shows for verging on ten years, and for me nothing they've done has lived up to the Graveyard Shift. You might say that I'm holding on to past glories, or that they've moved on and I haven't, but for three years I listened to that show every night and it, along with the Evening Session, was the soundtrack to my yearly teenage years, which although they were admittedly rather troubled and fraught and I'm eternally grateful to have escaped them, they were still my youth and it was a wonderful time to be young in, the British music scene was fantastic and Radio 1 was chronicling it all. Anyway, back to last night's show. I thought he managed to capture the spirit of the earlier shows, which they lost by moving to daytime radio and having to adhere to playlists. It was like a group of old friends getting together for some beers and to play some records, and it made me happy. I hope that it's the first of many shows in a new era, though I'm still suspicious about it being on Radio 2.

Yesterday evening was also the last session of my short meditation course. It had been hugely hot all day and I arrived only a couple of minutes before we started. Unusually we straight into an exercise so I hadn't had time to catch my breath back properly or to cool down, and the room only seemed to be making me hotter. I couldn't concentrate on my breath or the flowers, the only thing I could think about was how hot I was and how my leg was hurting from the walk. I left at the first opportunity I saw and came home again, feeling rather bad about it all. I haven't been practicing my exercises these past few days either, I've been getting frustrated by my lack of progression (though I know that these things take time, up to six months the tutor said) and annoyed by the repetitiveness of the exercises. I know I should vary them, but being sensible isn't my forte. In addition to all that, I was feeling bad about my weight and how much I've been eating and it all fed into one another and I wished it all away. It was a good thing that Mark Radcliffe was on the radio, it cheered me up and made me hopeful. 09:41  

Well, Rory's back home again now. I managed to not cry when talking to him all yesterday and today, which is an improvement. He even talked a bit about them without me getting upset, somewhat of an achievement. He told me quite a bit about Milton Keynes (where I've never been and where they live), and about his disappointment with the infamous concrete cows, they obviously can't afford some real ones. Some information about them from the BBC: "In the 24 years since they arrived they have been stolen, had 'pyjamas' painted on them, BSE graffiti and even had to have been rebuilt after they were beheaded." Excellent. You think they would have taken the hint though.

I haven't done anything today. I've been in a better mind frame than yesterday, for some reason, but the day has been just as boring, if not more so. I'm looking forward to doing things again tomorrow, though I've no idea what we'll be doing at Swarthmore. The tutor probably told us to find something we should bring along, though I'm damned if I can remember what that thing is. I'm in for a surprise then, I guess.

I've had a brief flick through the books I borrowed from the library on Still Life and I've concluded it is one of the most boring subjects I've ever come across. I couldn't stay focused on the text for more than about two paragraphs at a time. Not a good sign. I also tried to start reading The Passion of New Eve but the style is distracting and the main character a bit unlikable. I only managed to read two chapters, but I'll try more next week.

In a desperate attempt to fill the chasm of available time I have, I started making Phil a birthday card. The first one went completely wrong though and ended up in the bin. I salvaged a few pieces, and had a second ago, and so far so good. I can't afford to be wasting all this card and all these sparkly stickers! 22:46  

Spent the afternoon with Andy from SHIP in Headingley. I was good and didn't buy any of the many CDs and books I wanted, and only one packet of sweets from the health food shop. Andy bought me lunch, a hummus and roasted veg sandwich from Citrus, and at 4 we decided to be heading back home. He invited me back to his, to drink wine and get stoned he said, but I felt I should come home, it would be safer here, I could collapse back into my misery again. Now I'm here I wish I had accept his offer. There's nothing I feel like doing. None of my books or magazines interest me. I have nothing to do online and no one to talk to. I feel fat and ugly but still slightly hungry so I'm trying to resist eating more. I don't have any energy so going for a walk is out of the question. The only enjoyable thing I can think of doing is sleeping but what do I do when I wake up? Simon said he'd come see me tomorrow, but not until 3 or 4 pm, as he's having his mother round for lunch. The dreary monotony is getting to me, and I don't know how to break it. And every time I think about Rory I want to cry. 18:34  

I'm feeling very abandoned, I can't ring Rory when I want to, and I tried to ring him earlier but there was no reply. Nor has he replied to my text message. I'm not pestering him, I only wanted to know if he was planning on ringing me this evening. I don't particularly enjoy talking to him much right now. Whenever I do, I always end up in tears. I can feel them welling now, just thinking about it. And there's still 2 days to go before he leaves for home. I want to hold him and cuddle him, to know that he hasn't forgotten about me or wishes I'd leave him alone. I know logically this isn't true, but I can't feel it. Oh dear, here come the tears.

There's no one else online to talk to either. Most of my internet friends have gone to London for a meet-up, so not only can I not talk to them or distract myself with them, they're having fun and I'm not included, just as Rory is. It all sounds very childish when I write it, but it still hurts. I can't spend time with Simon either as he's going to London for some stupid convention with her and friends next week so he's busy with preparations and costume-making. Yet another reminder of how everyone else seems to have friends except me. (You're welcome to close the browser window any time the self pitying becomes too much for you.)

I thought about reading. I've been reading with fresh zeal recently, but I felt too run down to attempt any of the books on my shelves. I did pick up The Art of Looking Sideways earlier, which I felt was a suitable publication as it has no plot to follow or characters to keep track of, it comes in small, digestible chunks and is a visual delight. However all the different text styles confused me and I was irritated by having to turn the book to read the pieces of sideways text. As the pages don't flow either, there's little connection between one page and the one overleaf, I found it hard to stay focused. So eventually I gave up.

The one thing I do have for entertainment this weekend is that Andy from SHIP and I have arranged to go book hunting in Hyde Park tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure how the day will span out, we could just end up sat in the park, but at least it's something. I can see this is going to be a very difficult weekend to get through.

There's something else bothering me though. A fear, a premonition almost. Currently there's nothing I want more than to be cuddling with Rory in bed, probably because this would mean he would be here with me and thus wouldn't be gallivanting around southern England. But the thought of touching him when he's been where he's been repulses me. It's something I experienced with Simon when he started seeing her. I couldn't bear to touch him knowing that he'd been with her. I can sense I might develop it with Rory too. We don't need more things to drive us apart, and I need all the emotional experiences I can get. 21:34  

God it's early. It should be illegal to be awake this early. I'm only up as I'm going to the SHIP monthly steering group, and I'm only going there as afterwards sandwiches are provided free for the attendees, and I was promised an onion bhaji and mango chutney sandwich. I'm a slut for more things than just hugs, you know.

Last night I was thinking about Rory and his trip away. Several years ago, when I was initiated as a witch, I was told that the Gods would test me to make sure I was suitable to be their priestess. I think we can pretty much say I failed that one with some style. Recently I've been slowly integrating Craft life into my mundane life again, to prepare myself for saturating life with the Craft at every level, so it makes sense that now I would be tested again, to see if I am worthy yet. Why didn't this happen later though, when I'm more able to deal with it, I thought. Then it occurred to me that it wouldn't be much of a test if I was guaranteed to pass it. And there's always the chance that the things which are holding me back have to be cleared out of the way before I can make proper progress. Now admittedly a lot of people would be skeptical of this, seeing as we live in a mostly agnostic / atheist society which is suspicious of any kind of spirituality, let alone one which is a bit more eccentric than Anglicanism. But if it gives me a reason to accept why this is happening, a reason to deal with it and to not let it affect me as previous similar situations have, a reason to want to deal with it and move on, then surely that's a good thing? 09:09  

Some people decided to build a monorail in their back garden. I want one. Now. Though maybe I should get a garden first.

And, YEY! I took a test and it told me "You are a Hodgeheg!"



You are a hodgeheg. While to most you look like the sort of cute animal that itself might get eaten to others you are a voracious predator. You need to munch your way through a few more subjects of the animal kingdom before you can truly call yourself an omnivore.
You have eaten: cow sheep pig
Which Cute Animals Have You Eaten? 15:11  

Alex has been staying with me so I haven't had time for any updates. He arrived for impromptu hugging, and has proved to be a worthy fellow hugger. He came with me to SHIP yesterday, I had him folding leaflets whilst I shouted at the photocopier. Afterwards we went round the shops for a short while before we came home. On the way up from the bus stop we came across a cat who was happy to pose for some photos and accept our strokes. I think it was the same cat as what I saw last Thursday. If it was, he was considerably less shy this week. Alex and I have also spent our time enjoying a pizza and we went to the cinema to see The Saddest Music in the World. Initially I wasn't interested by the plot, I was expecting it to be depressing, which isn't something I need, but then I saw it was based on a screenplay by Kazuo Ishiguro, whose work I love, so off we went.

The film kind of defies explanation. It was based in 1933, in the midst of the American Depression. A rich lady decides to hold a world wide competition to find which country has the saddest music in the world, in order to sell more beer. She used to be the girlfriend of the American entrant, until one day his father, the Canadian entrant, was drunk and after a car accident in which she damaged her leg, chopped off the wrong leg, and thus she lost them both. He wants to gain her forgiveness, she refuses to talk to him, and isn't keen on his son either. Then there's also the other son, the Serbian entrant (don't ask) whose wife inexplicably left him after their son died. She turns out to be the girlfriend of his brother (the American entrant). It's all a bit inbred, but very ace. I highly recommend it.

As we were walking to the cinema though, on the other side of the street there was a woman who I'm 98% certain used to be in my media class at college. I didn't leave in the best of moods with my fellow classmates, and my opinion of them disintegrated further after what happened with her happened. I desperately don't want to be bumping into them in the future, it wouldn't be a good thing.

Speaking of people from the past who I'd rather didn't exist, Rory's going to visit him and her today (not to be confused with her or Simon and her). I'm not particularly comfortable or happy with this, but I don't want to be the kind of woman who controls her partner with moods and silences. Plus I don't have any claim over Rory, he's a free being and is welcome to do as he wants. Expecting him to drop contact with friends just because things happened between me and them which hurt me and I now refuse to talk about isn't a very adult thing to do, and he wouldn't do it anyway. But still, I desperately don't want him to go. It feels like he's betraying me somehow, though how I haven't figured out yet. I don't have a problem with him going to visit to friends, or having sex with other people, and so on, it's just these particular people. I spoke to Simon about it, he said it's something I need to get over, what happened happened three years ago and it's time to move on. He said I should talk to them, then I'd realise they're not the big, scary beings my brain has made them out to be. But I hold on to my grudges, it takes a long time for me to forgive people. I'm not planning on being like this all my life, I'm not proud of it and I hope to repair things at some point in the future. I just don't know if I'm ready to confront it all yet. When I was in Liverpool, I was in tears, and that was just because he used to live there, I know he doesn't live there any more. So I don't know, basically. I'm planning on talking about it at the group tonight, we'll see what they have to say about it all.

On a happier note, after finding that someone had beheaded the poppy in my window box, a few days ago a new one appeared which made me happy. Then yesterday Alex and I left to go to SHIP and I found it had grown a friend! It made me smile.

Alex is going home tonight, leaving us both hugless again. I don't have any plans for the weekend, though perhaps I might make my own entertainment with my brand new devil duckie. 12:54  

Wishlist
Ebay
Audioscrobbler

Search
Updates
Contact



< Made With Notepad >

Confused about who all these people are? Read the Blog Cast List.

Green Fairy
The Kitten's Pyjamas
Daily Mail Watch
rryBlog
The Bottle Shop
Twangorama

< Liberal Blogs >
< # Leeds Blogs ? >
< # Blogging Brits ? >


Powered by Blogger
Comments by Haloscan
Atom Feed
RSS Feed