Suppose I should really blog what's been happening this past week. There's quite a lot which is why I haven't got around to it yet. And I'm lazy. That contributes quite a bit, actually. Saturday was the Four Planes gig at Brudenell Social. They were on as part of an all day gig thing. David had said they should be on sometime "after 6" so I decided to head down around 5 in case they were on early, and even if they weren't I'd be able to sit around and chat with them. When I got there, there was a schedule by the door, they were meant to be on at quarter to ten. Quite some time to wait. I got myself a vodka and then wandered around looking for people I knew. I couldn't see anyone. I messaged David asking him what was happening and he said he was ill in bed and wasn't coming. "Thanks for letting me know," I thought. He said he wasn't sure if the rest of the band were playing without him or not. I sat there considering my options when I spotted their guitarist, James. I went over to him, he said they were playing and he didn't mind if I just hung around near him all evening. So that's what I did. It was rather busy, and the music was very loud, but I just sat at the back with James and some people he introduced me to. I even managed to have a conversation with one of them! I think he's in Deerpark, but I might have misheard. I had a chat with James too, and later with Gid (the drummer) and one of Gid's workmates. Someone from when I was in college the second time (the Bad time), Lucy, was there. I'm not entirely sure if she recognised me or not as my hair's quite different now, but we ignored each other all evening so nothing terrible came of it. I've seen her wandering around before. I hope it's the last time, she represents a past I'm trying to forget. So despite Lucy I think I did really well on Saturday. I managed to stay at the gig on my own, to talk to 4 people, two of whom I hadn't met before, and to cope with all the people there. Definitely a sign of good things.

On Sunday I dragged my parents to Ikea. It was heaving. There was screaming brats, ignorant parents and tottering old people pouring from every seam. Yet somehow despite that I managed to remain mostly calm and not kill anyone. This is something most "normal" people can't manage, let alone those with phobias of crowds! We were there for three hours and in that time I bought two tables and got my parents to buy me a sofabed. Quite successful, really.

Monday was my photography lesson. We spent the first part of the morning learning about studio flash then I went out to finish the reel of film still in my camera. In the afternoon I developed them, and it only took me 15 minutes to get the two films onto the spirals! It's taken me 45 minutes to do one before. The pictures were mostly OK, but as I suspected, the first film was fogged in places due to issues removing it from the camera. There were no shots lost which can't be retaken though so all was fine. In the evening I went to SHIP as it was the first meeting of the support group which will be running alongside the confidence building course. Fiona (MIND manager / service user) and I are co-facilitating it, and there's talk of Pauline, who used to facilitate the old women's group, joining us too. It was a good session and we've agreed to keep it closed until the new year, when we'll open it to any women who want to join.

My visual studies classes are on Tuesdays and this week we were learning about pastels. (Unfortunately not the band, but the artistic medium.) As with previous such lessons, we had to learn about the tools and what they can do. I managed something vaguely coherent for about half an hour then started scrawling as I'd run out of ideas. Soon I started to feel depressed at my inability to create something of worth and I wanted a hug quite desperately. As a compromise I drew a bear needing a hug and labeled him "Hug Bear". The teacher said it was "very humourous", I was pretty depressed by this point, in the same headspace where I spent most of my later school days. At lunchtime I rang Rory but he didn't have anything feasible to offer me. By the time the class was due to start again I had decided I had to go home and I left after making my apologies. I caught the bus home, got harassed by the bus driver for reasons too petty to explain, and went straight to bed. Four hours later Simon woke me up by banging on my door. He stayed for an hour and gave me some hugs then left. I started thinking about leaving my course. If most of my days were going to be similar to how this one had been, I would end up extremely depressed again, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice my newly won mental health for anything. I have a tutorial coming up with one of the teachers tomorrow, so I decided to discuss it with him then and refrain from making any firm decisions just yet.

Wednesday started out alright. I didn't have to be in college until 11, and then only for an hour. Afterwards I went to photography and loaned a camera so I can replace the photos which didn't come out on Monday. I was meant to be going to see my psychiatrist at 2, so it gave me an hour and a half to get some shots and be in time for my appointment. I was taking a picture of foreign newspapers outside a news kiosk when the man inside called to me. I went over to see what he wanted and he started arguing at me, saying I had violated his religion (Islam) by taking his picture and he wanted me to give him my film. There was no way I'd do that as I had to pay for it myself and I couldn't afford another. Plus it was the first photo! I told him I wouldn't so he said he'd call the police and how it's illegal to take pictures in people's shops. I pointed out I was outside the shop and had photographed items outside of the shop, and that he wasn't even in the picture. He wouldn't believe me and kept going on about what had happened, or what he thought had happened. It really threw me as I was feeling somewhat... tender, due to the crap time I'd had the day before. I managed to leave after about five minutes and I went to SHIP in the hope of finding someone to comfort me. I sat in the office and soon the tears started and they wouldn't stop. I went off to lay down in one of the small rooms so I could be alone and not get in their way. It was soon obvious I wouldn't be able to make it to see my psychiatrist, so I rang to cancel the appointment then went back to cry some more. After an hour and a half or so I felt stable enough to consider leaving and going home. I talked to Andy for a short while whilst he was taking a break from facilitating the daytime confidence building course. Eamon gave me a hug and Tony smiled at me and told me to look after myself. All in all it made me feel very welcomed and wanted and it's something I've never really felt anywhere else before. I came home but went out again to my own confidence building class, as usually I feel good after the session and I knew that would help. We did an exercise around how we view our bodies and came to conclusion that it was "not very nicely." Then we looked at things we take pleasure from and how long it's been since we last did them. Most of mine have been done recently, but there's always room for improvement.

Today I was unsure about how the day would turn out. I didn't want a repeat of Tuesday and didn't know how to avoid one. We were working on our illustration project and one of tutors came round to look at what we were all doing. I complained to him about my lack of artistic talent but he reassured me and said that it was just my style and he liked it. That boosted me a little and I ended up producing a couple of drawings which I didn't immediately despise. I'm even quite proud of one of the owls, though I did trace a clip art style one first then work around that. There may be hope for me yet.

And on a completely different note, sheepish is a funky website. 19:49  

I was blogging but then FireFox crashed and lost it, so have a quick run down:
- Am very cold, autumn now, need someone to cuddle up to and be warm with
- Went to Rebecca's last night
- Been eating too many sweets
- Am doubting my ability to do well on the Diploma course
- Have suddenly gained people who comment on this blog and I don't know who on earth they are
- Finally got the CD player working under Linux
- Did some cleaning!
- Went to social skills workshop, may now be more sociable
- Went to the pub with Phil and Tom, twice, which was most enjoyable
- The students are back and they are very pretty
- Cats are ace
- Sleep is fantastic
22:49  

Some strange links: Get an email address at the world's longest alphabetical domain. The slut test, made by the people who did the Spark, says I'm 63% slutty. Hugs don't seem to have been taken into consideration. Their politics test said I'm a socialist. "You are a Social Liberal (73% permissive) and an Economic Liberal (10% permissive.)" Well now you know. 21:48  

Luckily the missing portfolio was found. I'm told it was hiding amongst the second year Fine Art portfolios. I've also managed to retrieve my stained glass and mosaic from Swarthmore, bought some knickers and arranged to go see two lots of people to take pictures for my families project. Going good. 20:09  

I had a good weekend with Tef. We spent lots of time hugging, and also ate pizza, went shopping, watched Shaun of the Dead, The Happiness of the Katakuris and all the episodes of Monkey Dust. We spent quite a bit of time stoned and went to the Nonsense Night run by GoJonnyGoGoGoGo. Plouf! were mental, as always but Benjamin Wetherill was astounding. I recommend you try to listen to him.

Tef went home this morning, in fact he should be in Edinburgh again by now. I came to college and went out to take photographs for my project on Families. It involved taking pictures of art students. I was meant to be meeting my parents at lunchtime so I could leave last year's portfolio in their car whilst they went shopping, as I have to take it home today and it's too heavy for the bus. However it seems my tutor has lost my portfolio, and my exam work, which of itself is extremely bad, but doesn't even compare to the wrath of my dad after he had been driving around Leeds for half an hour, waiting for me to ring him to say we had found it. I'm not looking forward to meeting him later, he won't be pleasant to talk to, even though the situation is not due to my actions and I've done all I could have done to try to improve things. He never sees things like that though. 13:48  

I'm at college and, as usual, bored. We're meant to be familiarising ourselves with Photoshop. I don't particularly want to. I have another hour and a half til I can go home. Yesterday at Confidence Building I had fun, but today is torture. I don't seem to be making friends - I was sat at a table at lunch with four seats. Someone from my class came and sat at the table next to mine, which had two, and was presently joined by another member of my class. And these two are people I've spoken to more than almost anyone else here. It's not a good sign.

Yesterday I met David for lunch after our introduction to Contextual Studies. We sat in the park and ate sandwiches and chocolate cake from Beanos. I've been eating too much recently, I've started to disregard what I eat and how much and soon it will catch up with me make me depressed. I'd managed to gain a little control recently but now it all seems to have gone. I need hugs. I should at least get some tomorrow though, from Tef. 14:32  

Nothing interesting in the slightest has happened. College has been dull today as we had a computer induction where we learnt how to save files and change our wallpaper. It lasted the whole day. Some people said they liked my hair though, which was nice of them. David passed his driving test, first time. My house is being very cold and I don't know why. Tef is coming to stay on Friday. I'm not making friends at college, everyone irritates me. Especially today as the student union had been delivered the giant Jenga and Connect 4 games which had been ordered and everyone refused to play with me. I'm sick of being alone, having no friends, but there's something which I can't stand about every one of them. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood, I don't know. And I'm eating too much. I had cheesecake from Beanos yesterday and have had quite a bit of cereal in the past few days. I want someone to come take care of me. 18:26  

My birthday then. It wasn't terribly exciting, but then I didn't expect it to be. At college we were told to get into groups of two or three and to create a logo to represent our group. I was with two women called Mona and Natashia. They were both 19. Mona's originally from Iran and Natashia, who's pagan, is from Hartlepool. We discovered we all liked the colours purple, blue and red, liked nature and had many A's in our names. That was where the similarities stopped. We tried to work with what we had though but we just couldn't create a symbol which would represent us. Nothing we tried worked. This really threw me and my old worries sank in, "I'm a fraud, I shouldn't be here, everyone else is doing well, I'll be terrible on this course," etc. I wasn't feeling very good due to that and when I went to SHIP later I told it all to Andy, as there was no one who turned up for the group.

After leaving I went to Borders, as noted below, then met my family for the meal. We were the only people in the restaurant but had a good time. The food was delicious and the staff very friendly. We left and came home, where many gifts were bestowed upon me - the many CD's and books I had asked for, a large bouquet of flowers, a vase (to put the flowers in) and a bottle of raspberry vodka. All went well until it was time for them to leave and Robert started being antagonistic. It made me angry and upset and then when I tried to talk to Rory, he said we couldn't talk long as the battery was running out on his cordless phone and he couldn't be arsed going into the other room to fetch the second phone. That made me feel even worse.

Friday in college we learned how to use a mouse and what an enter key looks like, also noted below. I discovered that Natashia lives about two streets away from me so we walked home together through the university. After lunch I went upstairs and created a large collage on the theme of creativity, to illustrate the great quote I found. I was planning on incorporating the text but didn't actually leave space for it, so I might have to attach it to the bottom somehow.

Tomorrow I'm going to my parents' to have my hair dyed. Then on Monday I start my photography classes again. I still haven't found suitable items to photograph though. 13:53  

I'm currently at college having an introduction to the computer suite. We have learnt how to log on, create a Hotmail account and open images in Photoshop. Hmm. However I have found someone who lives a minute away from me (she's very nice, and pagan) so I might have to capture her and persuade her to be my friend.

Yesterday I was in Borders and ended up reading A Creative Companion by Sark. It was fantastic and very inspirational. In it I found this quote and felt the need to record it:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy. A quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block is, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions.

"It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open... Whether you choose to take an art class, keep a journal, record your dreams, dance your story or live each day from your own creative source. Above all else, keep the channel open!" - Martha Graham 11:18  

I was in bed for 11 last night, with the aim of getting to sleep early so I could likewise be up early this morning, my first day in college. Just as I was about to climb into bed though, I spotted a book on my shelf which I haven't looked through recently, and it occurred to me that it might contain something which could help me with my still life research. Indeed it did, so after writing down the names of the relevant painters, I was about to lay down for sleep when I realised it might also be a good idea to note down the ideas about them which were running through my head, to make sure I didn't forget them when I finally came to writing the piece. This soon developed into writing the piece itself, though in a draft form. When I had finished all this, it was half past one. So much for the early night. At least I got some work done finally however.

This morning was bright, if a little breezy, and I enjoyed walking through Leeds Uni's campus, which is always picturesque, whatever the time of year. It took me a bit longer to reach college than I had allowed for, I still haven't been walking much and am out of practice. I wasn't too late though, and arrived before several other people, so I didn't feel as bad about it. We soon got given an exercise to with charcoal - we had to explore its line and mark making abilities. No pictures, that wasn't allowed. Just marks. For an hour and a half. A couple of years ago, such a task would have completely overwhelmed me, but first I took to it quite well. Having been given such a large time period to do it in though disconcerted me, and I started questioning what I had made, as I will always do if I have too long to think about something. I think my sheets were typical of the class, the tutor attached some to the wall so we could see what we all had made, though a few really stood out, none of which were mine. I can tell I'm going to be overshadowed quite some way in similar exercises later. And there will be similar exercises later, as we were told we would have to do the same thing with watercolours, oils, pastels, gouache... And then next term we have to do life drawing! Oh boy, this is going to be hilarious if past pictures of mine are anything to go by.

We broke for lunch and reassembled afterwards to be told we would now be engaged in a getting-to-know-you exercise similar to Speed Dating, just without the dating. And as it wore progressively on, without the speed too. Talking to people I don't know is not a skill I have, and although we had been given a small sheet with suggested questions on it (What is your age? What is your ambition? Do you have any interests? Describe yourself in three words.) I soon gave up and started working on the still life history piece I started last night.

An hour and a half later (oh, the torture!) we were scheduled for a library induction. I got out of this as I had one last year, and I used the time to finish of the still life article. After that we were free to go, and as I left I bumped into my photography tutor and the receptionist from the college's main building having a cigarette outside. I stayed to chat to them for a few minutes then went to my appointment with my psychologist. My penultimate appointment, no less.

On the way home I stopped by the Leeds Uni Union, as I was craving sweets and I knew they sold the kind they wanted. They also sell Portion Paks of cereal. I bought four. Oops. Coco Pops Crunchers are gorgeous and I highly recommend them. 21:19  

Last night it occurred to me that I should have a look at when the colleges who I wish to apply to next year are having open days. It seems October is a popular month for this, as that's when they all are. By great luck, Glasgow's is on the Thursday of half term, and Edinburgh's is on the Friday. So I'm going to travel up on the Wednesday, stay with Stuart for a night, go round Glasgow, stay with someone in Edinburgh (gullible person still to be found), go round Edinburgh, then stay for another night or two, allowing me to look round the museums and galleries and shops, and have a mini-bash with some B3tans.

Also by luck, Kent's open day is on October 13, and Norwich's the day after. I need to find someone to inflict myself onto who lives on the outskirts of London or somewhere in Kent, who I can stay with on the 12th, then go to the open day, travel to Norwich, stay with people there (luckily I've already found a willing victim), do the second open day, then come back to Leeds in the evening.

It's all going to cost quite a bit in train fares though. I'm very lucky that my mum said she and my dad would finance my education, so they're going to pay for it. It's going to be around £250, and then I'll have to do it all again if I get offered an interview! I did get a Rail Card today however, which will make all journeys much cheaper for a year.

Whilst I was in town, I also went round the charity shops in search of something I can use for this stupid Still Life project. Nothing turned up, but I did come back with 3 more books. I'm hopeless. There are three things I have no need to obtain more of: dust, knickers and books. I still want them and buy them, well, the knickers and books anyway. Am I a librophile? The books I got though were Miss Garnet's Angel, as I really enjoyed Instances of the Number Three; Notes On A Scandal and That Summer. I love my books.

This evening I cooked a gorgeous curry. Peppers, mushrooms, red pepper and onions with marinated tofu in a tikka massala sauce. Divine. And there's enough left for lunch tomorrow. Tomorrow is also my first day of college. I'm not too nervous yet. We'll see how things go though. I'm going to have to leave early too, as I have a psychologist appointment. 21:04  

Today's it's as hot as it ever was. Bright sun, few clouds... I went up to see Simon and stayed a while. We watched Count Duckula and ate naan bread. I went for a short walk through the park on the way home and decided to drop by the charity warehouse to see if I could locate an representation of food or drink for use in the Still Life photography project I have to do soon. No, I still haven't sorted it all out. Stupid thing. They didn't have anything suitable, but I did manage to pick up copies of A Suitable Boy, Platform, Nature of Passion, Bonfire of the Vanities, The Way I Found Her and Memory Box for the grand total of £3.10. Nice. 14:58  

Not much been happening in Hugslutland. My friend Tef from Edinburgh is meant to be coming down to stay for a weekend soon. My dad's gone to Crete, again. My favourite local shop has started selling bagels and Maya Gold, in addition to the vegan cheese, halva and other delights I already go there for. It's my birthday on Thursday and I don't feel 23. I also don't feel as if three quarters of the year has gone past. Where has all the time gone?

Great links to peruse: An article about beaches and their role in our lives and the website of Julia Lohmann, a very talented artist / graphic designer. 13:05  

So, back home again. I've barely been here this month. Off adventuring and stealing hugs. A week and a half or so and back into the routine of college. Really must put an effort in to do some proper work this time round. What's the point unless I try?

Belfast was fun, once we'd stopped arguing. We ate silly amounts of chips and popcorn and watched a stupid amount of DVD's (Dogville, But I'm A Cheerleader, The Way of the Gun, Secretary, American Psycho, All About My Mother, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, Life of Brian, Threesome, Battle Royale, L'Ennui, Gladiator, Frida, Eddie Izzard.) Yesterday I got my dreads bleached. I wanted all my hair done, but the hairdresser said she thought the loose hair would be too weak and would fall out if it was bleached. It looks strange. It won't be for long though as I'll be dying it purple next Sunday. My ear's sore as I think I slept on it, and my cheek piercing is also sore and a little swollen. This is not good. 19:53  

Wishlist
Ebay
Audioscrobbler

Search
Updates
Contact



< Made With Notepad >

Confused about who all these people are? Read the Blog Cast List.

Green Fairy
The Kitten's Pyjamas
Daily Mail Watch
rryBlog
The Bottle Shop
Twangorama

< Liberal Blogs >
< # Leeds Blogs ? >
< # Blogging Brits ? >


Powered by Blogger
Comments by Haloscan
Atom Feed
RSS Feed