Monday, October 31
So, another year over with. They go by quite quickly nowadays. A year was practically a lifetime when I was a child.
I think I've come a long way this last year, and I have much further to go in the next. There are changes I need to make but which I'm too scared to implement: eating properly, healthily; exercising more; putting serious work into my spiritual life. I feel like I need to someone to guide me through it, hold my hand, encourage me, but also know when to back off, and be there later when I need hugs or reassurance. Rory can't do this as he's so far away, and I've become used to him, I have no problem defying him now, even though I know it's in my best interests to not. Plus he can't help me with the paganism.
But is all that just an excuse? Am I just trying to buy more time in which to not do anything? Am I really perfectly capable of doing it all on my own, if only I'd try properly? I don't know. "I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God but the sky is empty and Orion walks by but doesn't speak."
Anyway, Happy New Year. 16:57
I think I've come a long way this last year, and I have much further to go in the next. There are changes I need to make but which I'm too scared to implement: eating properly, healthily; exercising more; putting serious work into my spiritual life. I feel like I need to someone to guide me through it, hold my hand, encourage me, but also know when to back off, and be there later when I need hugs or reassurance. Rory can't do this as he's so far away, and I've become used to him, I have no problem defying him now, even though I know it's in my best interests to not. Plus he can't help me with the paganism.
But is all that just an excuse? Am I just trying to buy more time in which to not do anything? Am I really perfectly capable of doing it all on my own, if only I'd try properly? I don't know. "I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God but the sky is empty and Orion walks by but doesn't speak."
Anyway, Happy New Year. 16:57
Friday, October 28
I've had a long day today, for me. It started with my CBT appointment, as usual. Afterwards I went to the art gallery and had a brief look around their new exhibition about night in the city. David, one of my tutors, is showing some video work he's done. There was also several pieces by John Atkinson Grimshaw, one of my favourite painters, and these wonderful collages by someone called David Thorpe. His work is the kind of area I feel I should try to take my collages into. At the moment they're just a collection of pictures glued to a page, they get a bit monotonous quite quickly.
I was meeting up with the other Sarah from my course as we'd arranged to go to Bradford to see the Raghubir Singh exhibition they have on at the Film and Photography museum currently. He's one of the artists it was recommended we look at for this reportage brief. She was late, but we managed to get to Bradford for half past 11. Our first stop in the museum was the shop. They have a wonderful selection of books in there, it always makes me jealous. Sarah was very impressed too and like me, seemed to want to buy everything.
The other person I'd arranged to meet that day was Emily. We've known each other for 13 years, but haven't seen each other in at least the last 5 of those. We've been emailing each other in the past 6 months and I felt that perhaps the time was right for us to finally meet up again. She must have felt the same as she agreed to meet me. I was nervous about it, but not overly so, just a little anxious. There was no need to be, though once she arrived she confided that she had been nervous too, though part of that could have been having to get on a bus with a pram for the first time. For yes, she is now a mother, something I still haven't managed to quite wrap my head around, as in my mind, I'm still 13, thus my friends are 14 or so, and my brother is 10, even though he turned 21 a couple of weeks back. Anyway, we sat in the cafe and had a chat about life. It was great to see her again and we promised it would be the first of many times. She left after a couple of hours, couldn't be out long with the kid, and Sarah and I had to return to Leeds anyway.
And that's the most interesting part of my day, I'll spare you the dull details of the rest. I have made good use of this week off though. Yesterday I went down to the White Rose centre again, Wednesday I saw The Edukators (alone), Tuesday I went to a gig (yes, a whole one!) with Robert Dane and Chris, we saw Iliketrains, Redjetson and Shady Bard, all of who were wonderful, and I've been to the gym twice. OK, I've not done much work, but in the other aspects of my life, I feel I've made good progress. And it takes a lot to sat that. Oh, and no sign of my period yet. 22:06
I was meeting up with the other Sarah from my course as we'd arranged to go to Bradford to see the Raghubir Singh exhibition they have on at the Film and Photography museum currently. He's one of the artists it was recommended we look at for this reportage brief. She was late, but we managed to get to Bradford for half past 11. Our first stop in the museum was the shop. They have a wonderful selection of books in there, it always makes me jealous. Sarah was very impressed too and like me, seemed to want to buy everything.
The other person I'd arranged to meet that day was Emily. We've known each other for 13 years, but haven't seen each other in at least the last 5 of those. We've been emailing each other in the past 6 months and I felt that perhaps the time was right for us to finally meet up again. She must have felt the same as she agreed to meet me. I was nervous about it, but not overly so, just a little anxious. There was no need to be, though once she arrived she confided that she had been nervous too, though part of that could have been having to get on a bus with a pram for the first time. For yes, she is now a mother, something I still haven't managed to quite wrap my head around, as in my mind, I'm still 13, thus my friends are 14 or so, and my brother is 10, even though he turned 21 a couple of weeks back. Anyway, we sat in the cafe and had a chat about life. It was great to see her again and we promised it would be the first of many times. She left after a couple of hours, couldn't be out long with the kid, and Sarah and I had to return to Leeds anyway.
And that's the most interesting part of my day, I'll spare you the dull details of the rest. I have made good use of this week off though. Yesterday I went down to the White Rose centre again, Wednesday I saw The Edukators (alone), Tuesday I went to a gig (yes, a whole one!) with Robert Dane and Chris, we saw Iliketrains, Redjetson and Shady Bard, all of who were wonderful, and I've been to the gym twice. OK, I've not done much work, but in the other aspects of my life, I feel I've made good progress. And it takes a lot to sat that. Oh, and no sign of my period yet. 22:06
Tuesday, October 25
The test came back negative. Two weeks ago I wasn't pregnant. Rory went home 16 days ago. Sperm can live in a woman's body for 3 to 4 days. I'm having another test in two weeks time. But so far so good.
22:34
I've been feeling a little queasy of late. I've narrowed it down to three possibilities:
1. Eating too many sweets
2. The imminent arrival of my (very) late period
3. Being pregnant.
Of course the last is the least likely, due to not having had sexual intercourse in, well, years. But there is still a minute chance of it. So I'm off to the doctors later. Joy. 11:36
1. Eating too many sweets
2. The imminent arrival of my (very) late period
3. Being pregnant.
Of course the last is the least likely, due to not having had sexual intercourse in, well, years. But there is still a minute chance of it. So I'm off to the doctors later. Joy. 11:36
Saturday, October 22
One thing I forgot to mention about Thursday night: In the Phono, a bloke, not particularly pretty, came up to me and told me he had been sitting behind me on the bus, singing songs from Mary Poppins, and hi, his name was Robertio. I went and stood elsewhere.
I spent yesterday asleep. Well, most of it. I got up at 2pm because the postman knocked. Sleep is ace. 10:31
I spent yesterday asleep. Well, most of it. I got up at 2pm because the postman knocked. Sleep is ace. 10:31
Thursday, October 20
So tonight I went out for the first time in approximately 4 years. Robert Dane messaged me at 10pm to say he'd been dragged out by his flatmate to a meeting of the uni's LGB society, and they were off to Razzamatazz at the Phono, and I could come if I liked. After a bit more messaging, which ascertained that he'd look after me and it shouldn't be too busy, I decided I might as well, 'cos Razzamatazz is one of those things in Leeds I've always wanted to go to but haven't yet made it to, due to health constraints.
Managing to lose my bus ticket somewhere between home and the bus stop wasn't a good start, but it doesn't matter. There wasn't anyone particularly gorgeous out, the music wasn't as good as their flyers led me to believe it would be, it was far too loud for the numbers of people there (between about 12 and 20, though it was still relatively early), and I have to be at CBT for 9am tomorrow, so I came home on the last bus.
It's not all crap though - I've been to my first nightclub in around 4 years! I was reminded that teeth glow under UV lights! And I found out that some sweets are also a worrying colour under such lights. So this night has been something of a turning point, even if it wasn't great. 23:48
Managing to lose my bus ticket somewhere between home and the bus stop wasn't a good start, but it doesn't matter. There wasn't anyone particularly gorgeous out, the music wasn't as good as their flyers led me to believe it would be, it was far too loud for the numbers of people there (between about 12 and 20, though it was still relatively early), and I have to be at CBT for 9am tomorrow, so I came home on the last bus.
It's not all crap though - I've been to my first nightclub in around 4 years! I was reminded that teeth glow under UV lights! And I found out that some sweets are also a worrying colour under such lights. So this night has been something of a turning point, even if it wasn't great. 23:48
Wednesday, October 19
Strange afternoon. Went shopping in the many (almost 6) hours spare between classes. Went down to the Corn Exchange, where I haven't been for a long time. In my absence it seems that the RSPCA shop now sells microscopes, a jewellers has become a drugs paraphenalia shop, and the second branch of HSBC which closed down a few years ago has now become some kind of one-stop coffee shop / amusement arcade / tanning salon. What is the world coming to? I went to Trade For Change and found apricot flavour vegan whitening toothpaste, and got a blueberry crumble with toffee topping slice. I now feel quite sick. Has anyone had a stranger day?
15:27
Sunday, October 16
I've had a very strange day. The fact that this has involved Robert Dane is somewhat of a given. But even by his standards it's been a strange day.
He rang me up at 11am to say he had spent the night at a "friend"'s in Meanwood and was in town, thus we could meet for the day at any time, instead of the afternoon as we had planned last night. We agreed to meet later on so I got dressed (always helpful) and set off for town, walking through the uni and trying out my new camera (early Christmas present from Rory). We found each other outside the town hall and went in, only to be told that all the tours were already booked up. We were allowed to wander around on our own however, which we proceeded to do.
The building is impressive. It has a full, but now unused, law court, a concert hall, bars, and many other extravagances. The court has cells underneath but we weren't allowed in there, much to my disappointment. Apparantly you could on the tour however. We found the wedding suite, where the marriages are performed, funnily enough. There was a "waiting room", which presumably is where the bride and/or groom wait until they are needed. This room was wonderful. Covered in plush lilac sofas which you just sunk into, lovely wall art, really, really tasteful and well done and made me jealous. We sat in there a while, as it was so soft and ace. Robert was talking about stealing a cushion, as they were so soft too, but I told him it was probably a bad idea. We could hear people talking next door, which I assumed was just more people having a look around and having a rest like us. I opened the door into there to walk through and see it, only to find the Lord Mayor and his wife having lunch. Oops. I beat a hasty retreat and tried to get Robert to come with me but he didn't understand. One of the people the Mayor had been talking to came through the door and said it was OK, we could come in, but I tried to get Robert to leave, but he wouldn't, he seemed to want to go through the door. In the end we did, and the Mayor didn't seem too upset either. I appologised profusely, explained the people at reception had said we had the run of the place and we didn't know they were in there, and so on, but they insisted it was all OK and we should all have our photos taken together. So here I am, with Robert Dane, the Mayor and Mayoress of Leeds:
The Mayoress started playing with my hair, asking who had done it for me, and the Mayor asked if Robert was a student. Apparantly he also said he could marry us if we wanted, but I didn't hear him say it. Anyway after that we needed a sit down to just try and understand what had happened. We were soon joined by Chris (Robert's sometime, sometime not boyfriend), who turned down our invitiation to introduce him to the Mayor. Probably quite sensible.
We had an hour or so then until the film we were planning on seeing started, so we went to do a bit of shopping. Mercifully we came away emptyhanded, and having lost Chris who needed to do something other than watch a film, and made it to the squat where the film was being shown just in time. The film, Ma Vie en Rose, was enjoyable. Infuriating in places, but where it's intended to be, so that's ok. It would have probably been more enjoyable though if I hadn't been perched on two arms of sofas, at different heights, one with a ridge sticking into my back.
When the film was over, we explored a little. The building was amazing, like a maze. It must have been several flats originally, judging by the number of kitchens and bathrooms in there, but in all the time I've been aware of its presence it's been boarded up and out of use. One of rooms had a sex swing in it. I was immensely jealous. Several of the rooms had very gorgeous people in them. I didn't get to talk to any of them really though as Robert was insisting he needed food and his head couldn't cope with another film. I didn't want to stay on my own so we came back to my house and ordered pizza.
I'm glad I made it there. These are the kind of people I want to get to know. The ones who not only look pretty but are intelligent and interested and take action when there's something they object to. People who care about things and try to make a difference. Whether or not you agree with what they believe or how they try to change things is irrelevant. They deserve resepct for just getting off their arses and doing something, which is more than the vast majority of people in this country would do. It's something I want to do but don't really know how. And now I'm starting to find people who can show me. 20:47
He rang me up at 11am to say he had spent the night at a "friend"'s in Meanwood and was in town, thus we could meet for the day at any time, instead of the afternoon as we had planned last night. We agreed to meet later on so I got dressed (always helpful) and set off for town, walking through the uni and trying out my new camera (early Christmas present from Rory). We found each other outside the town hall and went in, only to be told that all the tours were already booked up. We were allowed to wander around on our own however, which we proceeded to do.
The building is impressive. It has a full, but now unused, law court, a concert hall, bars, and many other extravagances. The court has cells underneath but we weren't allowed in there, much to my disappointment. Apparantly you could on the tour however. We found the wedding suite, where the marriages are performed, funnily enough. There was a "waiting room", which presumably is where the bride and/or groom wait until they are needed. This room was wonderful. Covered in plush lilac sofas which you just sunk into, lovely wall art, really, really tasteful and well done and made me jealous. We sat in there a while, as it was so soft and ace. Robert was talking about stealing a cushion, as they were so soft too, but I told him it was probably a bad idea. We could hear people talking next door, which I assumed was just more people having a look around and having a rest like us. I opened the door into there to walk through and see it, only to find the Lord Mayor and his wife having lunch. Oops. I beat a hasty retreat and tried to get Robert to come with me but he didn't understand. One of the people the Mayor had been talking to came through the door and said it was OK, we could come in, but I tried to get Robert to leave, but he wouldn't, he seemed to want to go through the door. In the end we did, and the Mayor didn't seem too upset either. I appologised profusely, explained the people at reception had said we had the run of the place and we didn't know they were in there, and so on, but they insisted it was all OK and we should all have our photos taken together. So here I am, with Robert Dane, the Mayor and Mayoress of Leeds:
The Mayoress started playing with my hair, asking who had done it for me, and the Mayor asked if Robert was a student. Apparantly he also said he could marry us if we wanted, but I didn't hear him say it. Anyway after that we needed a sit down to just try and understand what had happened. We were soon joined by Chris (Robert's sometime, sometime not boyfriend), who turned down our invitiation to introduce him to the Mayor. Probably quite sensible.
We had an hour or so then until the film we were planning on seeing started, so we went to do a bit of shopping. Mercifully we came away emptyhanded, and having lost Chris who needed to do something other than watch a film, and made it to the squat where the film was being shown just in time. The film, Ma Vie en Rose, was enjoyable. Infuriating in places, but where it's intended to be, so that's ok. It would have probably been more enjoyable though if I hadn't been perched on two arms of sofas, at different heights, one with a ridge sticking into my back.
When the film was over, we explored a little. The building was amazing, like a maze. It must have been several flats originally, judging by the number of kitchens and bathrooms in there, but in all the time I've been aware of its presence it's been boarded up and out of use. One of rooms had a sex swing in it. I was immensely jealous. Several of the rooms had very gorgeous people in them. I didn't get to talk to any of them really though as Robert was insisting he needed food and his head couldn't cope with another film. I didn't want to stay on my own so we came back to my house and ordered pizza.
I'm glad I made it there. These are the kind of people I want to get to know. The ones who not only look pretty but are intelligent and interested and take action when there's something they object to. People who care about things and try to make a difference. Whether or not you agree with what they believe or how they try to change things is irrelevant. They deserve resepct for just getting off their arses and doing something, which is more than the vast majority of people in this country would do. It's something I want to do but don't really know how. And now I'm starting to find people who can show me. 20:47
Saturday, October 15
I've just realised that I'm finally turning into the kind of person I want to be. I was standing outside the cinema with Robert Dane and Chris, discussing Howl's Moving Castle, which we had just seen, and our plans for tomorrow. The town hall is having an open day and doing tours for the public and we're going to go look round. Afterwards we're going to see Ma Vie en Rose and Orlando as part of the Leeds Queer Film Festival.
Chris: How do you find out about these things?
Me: I just picked a leaflet up in Beanos.
Robert: She just knows about these things. She takes me to art exhibitions in launderettes.
I rule. 23:12
Chris: How do you find out about these things?
Me: I just picked a leaflet up in Beanos.
Robert: She just knows about these things. She takes me to art exhibitions in launderettes.
I rule. 23:12
Thursday, October 13
Blimey, almost a whole week of no ranting and complaining. What a bizarre notion. Well that's what happens when you start having a life. It's not too much of a life yet, but it has potential. I think I might be making some friends, though one of them made me ill simply by being seated next to me, and I still haven't gotten rid of the throat infection over a week later.
We handed in the work on our first brief on Monday. I was sick of mine by that time. Finding 26 words to describe me, each starting with a different letter, was not the great idea it had originally seemed. I still liked part of it though, especially the octopus I'd drawn. Compared to some people's work it was a shambles, and to others it might have been the Sistine Chapel. Some people had evidently done as little as possible whereas others had produced work which made me incredibly jealous of them (see photography section for photos of these). Allie proved herself to be even more ace than I originally thought by making a fanzine about herself where she revealed that she actually DJs at, and helps to organise, Pussy Whipped. I've wanted to go there for so long but never had the courage, and she co-runs it! If only she didn't have a boyfriend I'd be after her faster than... than me chasing chocolate milk.
We received our second brief on Tuesday and this one is about reportage. We were told to form groups of around 6 which we would be working in for the rest of the term. We were then arbitrarily allocated a section of the city to focus on. My group were given the south. I know very little about south Leeds, having never known anyone who lives there or had any reason to go there. Perhaps it's better that way than receiving, say, the west, as I'll be approaching it from a fresh perspective and without too many pre-conceived ideas (other than if it looks like a council estate, get the hell out of there, and make sure you're home before dark).
We were shown "professional" examples of reportage, to give us ideas of what to be working on. This included a lot of photographic work, but also a visit to the Indymedia website and couple of videos, including one about Greenham Common and one on Menwith Hill. This was when I realised the brief could be whatever we wanted to make it. It could be simply about the animals in a park or some woods, it could be the development of some new houses, or it could be about people and their lives, what inspires them and makes them tick, about initiatives and communities and politics and all the things I've wanted to get involved with but have been too reticent to try - not just Indymedia but also The Common Place and taking an interest in your environment and standing up for things you believe in. There is great potential in this brief, I just have to uncover it, and deal with 5 rather work-shy colleagues.
Yesterday was "Brown Day". This was where the whole course got together and held a fete-style event in the college cafe to raise money for Teenage Cancer Trust. The preparations were fun as we laughed and pranked about and bought large amounts of sweets for prizes at the stalls. I was giving tarot readings but everyone else from my potential group of friends were running a game of shooting things at Pete. Both were popular, in fact I only got about 2 minutes to myself the whole two hours we were open. This meant I did a lot of talking, something which perhaps wasn't in my best interests considering the throat infection. I did 11 or 12 readings in the end, at £1 each. I was in demand and even had a queue! Something I'll keep in mind should I ever need to raise money for any other cause. Afterwards I walked home through the park in the dusk and rain. It was peaceful and almost magical, though I did wish I had an umbrella.
Today I've spent the day in bed reading Lunar Park. Definitely strange and confused, but still excellent. It's the first thing I've read in bloody ages. 18:21
We handed in the work on our first brief on Monday. I was sick of mine by that time. Finding 26 words to describe me, each starting with a different letter, was not the great idea it had originally seemed. I still liked part of it though, especially the octopus I'd drawn. Compared to some people's work it was a shambles, and to others it might have been the Sistine Chapel. Some people had evidently done as little as possible whereas others had produced work which made me incredibly jealous of them (see photography section for photos of these). Allie proved herself to be even more ace than I originally thought by making a fanzine about herself where she revealed that she actually DJs at, and helps to organise, Pussy Whipped. I've wanted to go there for so long but never had the courage, and she co-runs it! If only she didn't have a boyfriend I'd be after her faster than... than me chasing chocolate milk.
We received our second brief on Tuesday and this one is about reportage. We were told to form groups of around 6 which we would be working in for the rest of the term. We were then arbitrarily allocated a section of the city to focus on. My group were given the south. I know very little about south Leeds, having never known anyone who lives there or had any reason to go there. Perhaps it's better that way than receiving, say, the west, as I'll be approaching it from a fresh perspective and without too many pre-conceived ideas (other than if it looks like a council estate, get the hell out of there, and make sure you're home before dark).
We were shown "professional" examples of reportage, to give us ideas of what to be working on. This included a lot of photographic work, but also a visit to the Indymedia website and couple of videos, including one about Greenham Common and one on Menwith Hill. This was when I realised the brief could be whatever we wanted to make it. It could be simply about the animals in a park or some woods, it could be the development of some new houses, or it could be about people and their lives, what inspires them and makes them tick, about initiatives and communities and politics and all the things I've wanted to get involved with but have been too reticent to try - not just Indymedia but also The Common Place and taking an interest in your environment and standing up for things you believe in. There is great potential in this brief, I just have to uncover it, and deal with 5 rather work-shy colleagues.
Yesterday was "Brown Day". This was where the whole course got together and held a fete-style event in the college cafe to raise money for Teenage Cancer Trust. The preparations were fun as we laughed and pranked about and bought large amounts of sweets for prizes at the stalls. I was giving tarot readings but everyone else from my potential group of friends were running a game of shooting things at Pete. Both were popular, in fact I only got about 2 minutes to myself the whole two hours we were open. This meant I did a lot of talking, something which perhaps wasn't in my best interests considering the throat infection. I did 11 or 12 readings in the end, at £1 each. I was in demand and even had a queue! Something I'll keep in mind should I ever need to raise money for any other cause. Afterwards I walked home through the park in the dusk and rain. It was peaceful and almost magical, though I did wish I had an umbrella.
Today I've spent the day in bed reading Lunar Park. Definitely strange and confused, but still excellent. It's the first thing I've read in bloody ages. 18:21
Friday, October 7
I am now a tattooed Sarahmonster. It hurt, quite a lot at times, but I managed to not even scream, unlike when I had my cheek pierced. Photos shall be forthcoming once the swelling has gone down a little and I've managed to wash off all the stencil ink. Elsewhere, college: ok so far but have far too much work to do; have a sore throat; Rory coming for the weekend, pizza coming in half an hour.
19:23
Monday, October 3
Today we had our first class on typography. It seems we shall be using Quark Xpress to learn this. I have an OCN Intermediate certificate in Quark and thus I was banging my head on the wall all lesson. I kept getting told off for answering too many questions. I may kill. Today we learnt the basics of Quark, what A sizes are in relation to paper, how big font sizes are in the real world, why we have margins, how to change colour and text size in Quark... Next week we are learning how to add images and how to scan things in. I think I should have gone for entry into the second year instead.
21:02
