Sunday, January 29
Yesterday I had pizza and it was wonderful. I'm still dreaming of it now. So... pizza-y. Afterwards I went to see Brokeback Mountain with Jess. Jake Gyllenhaal with all his clothes off... Mmmmm. Almost as good as pizza. Mark appears to have come to his senses and told his friend where to go, just to be snatched up by another one before I had chance to get in there myself. No corsets for either of us for a while, it would seem.
20:16
Saturday, January 28
Wednesday evening I went to see A Cock and Bull Story with Jess. Luckily it was wonderful and cheered me up. I can't compare it to the book, having not read it, but from what was said about it in the film, it seems like a pretty good adaptation.
The rest of the week has been, predictably, dull. Rory and I bought some rather expensive and covetable sex toys. I have been exercising. I ate too much mayonnaise. I have had no hugs. And yes, I did have hugs booked, but Mark decided that adhering to the strange opinions of someone whose pants he wants to get into is more important to him than hugs or corset shopping. Meh. I'm just in one of those moods today. 17:00
The rest of the week has been, predictably, dull. Rory and I bought some rather expensive and covetable sex toys. I have been exercising. I ate too much mayonnaise. I have had no hugs. And yes, I did have hugs booked, but Mark decided that adhering to the strange opinions of someone whose pants he wants to get into is more important to him than hugs or corset shopping. Meh. I'm just in one of those moods today. 17:00
Wednesday, January 25
Today I was meant to present my piece about the museum essay. I had even sorted out what I would say. However I didn't take the Powerpoint file along with me and so couldn't present. I have a chance to do it after half term, but the most I can score is 40. A 39 is a fail. Understandably I am a little annoyed at myself about this. I went to the international supermarket to drown my sorrows in chocolate sesame snaps and Hula Hoops, and now feel sick. The cold sore hasn't gone away, my neck hasn't stopped hurting, my period turned up (at least I'm not pregnant), I have no hugs and Robert Dane is refusing to answer his fucking phone. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
20:28
Tuesday, January 24
Life has been dull. Again. I have made a giant cushion cover from ladybird fur which I am quite proud of. I got a cold sore... Am having an easy week at college, very little to do except hand in 2 presentations. As I explained previously, I have stopped stressing so much about my museum one and don't really care how well I do. The presentation I have come up with will pass, I expect, and that's all that matters.
I have started using my exercise bike every day, sometimes even twice a day. I am also using the rowing machine Rory / I got, so soon it may have an effect. I keep myself occupied on the bike by doing Sudoku, but I've yet to find a distraction method for the rower.
I'm meant to be going to Manchester this weekend to stay with Mark for a couple of nights, as we want to go corset shopping, or corset window shopping, as it may be. He may be coming to see me instead though, it's not certain yet. If so, it does mean no corsets, but more hugs.
There's loads of gigs coming up in the next two months which I want to go see but I'm not sure if I can get people to come with me. I need more friends. Ah well. 14:12
I have started using my exercise bike every day, sometimes even twice a day. I am also using the rowing machine Rory / I got, so soon it may have an effect. I keep myself occupied on the bike by doing Sudoku, but I've yet to find a distraction method for the rower.
I'm meant to be going to Manchester this weekend to stay with Mark for a couple of nights, as we want to go corset shopping, or corset window shopping, as it may be. He may be coming to see me instead though, it's not certain yet. If so, it does mean no corsets, but more hugs.
There's loads of gigs coming up in the next two months which I want to go see but I'm not sure if I can get people to come with me. I need more friends. Ah well. 14:12
Tuesday, January 17
There was an article in the Guardian about hodgehegs today. Normally this would make me happy. It was about how they are all dying though and instead it upset me. They did write a great paragraph however, which illustrates just how much like a hodgeheg I am:
"The prospect of their loss seems dreadful, partly, I think, because the hodgeheg can be seen as the soul of England, or at least of a version of England, a version which is too valuable to be lost. It is the England involved in self-absorbed snuffling through the landscape, which spends almost the entire winter asleep, only waking now and then to shift its nest or remake the present one, which rolls up into a self-protective ball when threatened, which is neither very dynamic nor sharp but which is redolent of an ancient dignity."
Though obviously with less of the dignity and the "soul of England" parts. 18:40
"The prospect of their loss seems dreadful, partly, I think, because the hodgeheg can be seen as the soul of England, or at least of a version of England, a version which is too valuable to be lost. It is the England involved in self-absorbed snuffling through the landscape, which spends almost the entire winter asleep, only waking now and then to shift its nest or remake the present one, which rolls up into a self-protective ball when threatened, which is neither very dynamic nor sharp but which is redolent of an ancient dignity."
Though obviously with less of the dignity and the "soul of England" parts. 18:40
Friday, January 13
You'll have to bear with me whilst I go into giggly LiveJournal mode for a brief moment, but: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A FRONT PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three and a half years I've been on B3ta and I just got my first front page! Woooooooooooooooooo! Here it is, something I made for college.
And now, a resumption of normal service. 17:17
And now, a resumption of normal service. 17:17
Monday, January 9
In addition to my men problems from last night, Mark told me today he doesn't want to do any more sexual things with me as the polyamoury is too much of a conflict for him, being so monogamous at heart. I can understand his reasons though not agree with them - to me polyamoury seems to be the obvious way to go with these things. It just Makes Sense. Not for him however. Which is a bit of a bummer, really. I enjoyed the things we did together and it's upsetting to think we won't be able to do them any more. He says he'll still come round for hugs, but that hugs can't lead to anything else. Why is it that every time I find a bloke I really like (with the exception of Rory), he just can't handle polyamoury? I should go back to being a lesbian. It's probably much more simple.
23:13
Sunday, January 8
I've been finding myself yearning for someone of late. Someone specific. He's been out of my mind for several years now but has recently reappeared due to a bizarre coincidence - my favourite magazine prints their name in the bottom corner of their pages in the same format he used as the name he sent his emails under: [name] [letter/initial], all in lower letters. Seeing it sitting there at the bottom of each page, so plainly and brazenly, is painful reminder of what passed between us, what could have been, and what wasn't. I cover the magazine's name with my thumbs, but I always know it's hiding there underneath.
I don't know if he's happy with the life that he chose, I haven't spoken to him in so long, and I feel attempting communication again would be futile. Would only bring more pain. I hope he's happy, I just wish that I could heal the scars he left so I can read in peace, think of certain bands and films and cities in peace, know that I'm free to visit those cities without fear of breaking down in tears because he lived there 5 years ago or 20 years ago and that I'm seeing the same things I know he once saw. Wish I could walk past the magazine he writes for without feeling anxiety or anger.
I just don't like being confronted with the question "What if?", with what might have been. We both chose our options, he chose someone else, I had Rory. But for a while, without ever meeting him, there was a possibility of something more. And it keeps coming back to me. And I don't like it. I can't ignore it and block it out as I do with most things which torment me, I don't know why. I guess I need closure. Confirmation that I really am second best. And a hug. 23:01
I don't know if he's happy with the life that he chose, I haven't spoken to him in so long, and I feel attempting communication again would be futile. Would only bring more pain. I hope he's happy, I just wish that I could heal the scars he left so I can read in peace, think of certain bands and films and cities in peace, know that I'm free to visit those cities without fear of breaking down in tears because he lived there 5 years ago or 20 years ago and that I'm seeing the same things I know he once saw. Wish I could walk past the magazine he writes for without feeling anxiety or anger.
I just don't like being confronted with the question "What if?", with what might have been. We both chose our options, he chose someone else, I had Rory. But for a while, without ever meeting him, there was a possibility of something more. And it keeps coming back to me. And I don't like it. I can't ignore it and block it out as I do with most things which torment me, I don't know why. I guess I need closure. Confirmation that I really am second best. And a hug. 23:01
I get to go back to college tomorrow! Escape from the house! This happens every holiday: I get bored and desperate for something to do. OK, I'm only in for a couple of hours tomorrow, but it's better than nothing. I've even done most of the work I need to.
I've been filling my days with fairly little, of late. Rory's made me start using my exercise bike and I've been spending a bit of time in the cellar, as that's where it is. So I realised how drab it looks down there and started actually decorating it a bit. Now I have posters, fairy lights, pictures and the like up there and the room looks much better. I've taken some CDs down so I have things to listen to whilst I'm cycling, and a sudoku book to distract me with. It even works! Rory's also bought me a rowing machine, which has yet to find its way into the cellar. It's rather large and is currently occupying most of the kitchen. He's learnt from his past mistakes though and only repaid me a third of what it cost, the rest coming if I actually use it. He's getting smart.
And that's all I have to report. As I said, it's been boring. 18:53
I've been filling my days with fairly little, of late. Rory's made me start using my exercise bike and I've been spending a bit of time in the cellar, as that's where it is. So I realised how drab it looks down there and started actually decorating it a bit. Now I have posters, fairy lights, pictures and the like up there and the room looks much better. I've taken some CDs down so I have things to listen to whilst I'm cycling, and a sudoku book to distract me with. It even works! Rory's also bought me a rowing machine, which has yet to find its way into the cellar. It's rather large and is currently occupying most of the kitchen. He's learnt from his past mistakes though and only repaid me a third of what it cost, the rest coming if I actually use it. He's getting smart.
And that's all I have to report. As I said, it's been boring. 18:53
Thursday, January 5
Rory has now been and gone. I miss the hugs but not the extra sweatiness from sleeping next to someone in bed. We've eaten more curry and ice cream in the past week and half than we should probably have had in 6 months. I would have had more pizza, but Grove has been shut over the holidays so we had to order from somewhere else, and no one else does vegan pizzas.
We went to see Everything Is Illuminated which was far better than its reviews suggest, though obviously no where near the novel. We also had Mark over for a day which was... interesting... Rory was being ill so we didn't get done all the things he had planned, but the time was certainly well spent, nonetheless. Plus it looks like we might have managed to have a threesome without screwing up the third person's head this time! Hurray! Let's hope it's a sign of things to come!
So in the remainder of the week I have been reading, avoiding college work, doing little bits of exercise, doing little bits of college work and contemplating the nature of life, death and the universe. I have been reading Maps For Lost Lovers, you see, and it's a deeply engrossing book. Very scary in parts, but with prose so gorgeous that that's almost irrelevant.
The book is based around a Muslim family living in England and the trials and tribulations they go through in a year. The mother is around 60 and takes her faith very seriously. Her husband is almost 65 and never expresses any specific religious feelings of his own, only dismay at those of others, including his wife's. Their three children are grown-up and in their mother's eyes have all rebelled and betrayed her - her eldest son failed to get into a medical degree, dropped out of his Chemistry course to go to Art school, got a white girl pregnant outside of marriage, and then married her. Her daughter agreed to an arranged marriage with a cousin from Pakistan (where the family were originally from) but left him after a few years. We learn that he used to beat her, but the mother doesn't know this so she keeps pressuring her daughter to go back to him. The youngest son was always the most rebellious and left home at 15 or so, not speaking to his parents for 8 years, after discovering his mother had been adding bromide to his food which had been given to her by one of the clerics at her mosque. Combined with all this, the father's brother disappeared with his lover, who was 25 years younger than him, and to whom he wasn't married, and the lover's brothers are suspected of murdering the pair as an honour killing.
The book addresses many issues - racial and religious tensions, the stupidity and evilness of organised religion, family disputes, colonialism, war, immigration, racism, cultural and social controls, the nature of sin, generational disputes, exorcisms, and many others besides. It's a very philosophical book without being bogged down with, well, philosophy. It's made me think about my own beliefs, the nature of life for people whom I know generally little about (i.e. British Muslims, and Muslims in general) and also how grateful I am for being born into a culture where they don't want to kill me just for being me. I highly recommend it.
One thing still bugs me though. One section was explaining a bit about the Muslim belief of Paradise. It said that a pious man would receive over 70 virgins to do with as he wishes in Paradise, and that a pious woman would not want any man to touch her other than her earthly husband, so she is happy just to have him in Paradise. But what if a pious woman had an unpious husband? Who does she get then? 20:12
We went to see Everything Is Illuminated which was far better than its reviews suggest, though obviously no where near the novel. We also had Mark over for a day which was... interesting... Rory was being ill so we didn't get done all the things he had planned, but the time was certainly well spent, nonetheless. Plus it looks like we might have managed to have a threesome without screwing up the third person's head this time! Hurray! Let's hope it's a sign of things to come!
So in the remainder of the week I have been reading, avoiding college work, doing little bits of exercise, doing little bits of college work and contemplating the nature of life, death and the universe. I have been reading Maps For Lost Lovers, you see, and it's a deeply engrossing book. Very scary in parts, but with prose so gorgeous that that's almost irrelevant.
The book is based around a Muslim family living in England and the trials and tribulations they go through in a year. The mother is around 60 and takes her faith very seriously. Her husband is almost 65 and never expresses any specific religious feelings of his own, only dismay at those of others, including his wife's. Their three children are grown-up and in their mother's eyes have all rebelled and betrayed her - her eldest son failed to get into a medical degree, dropped out of his Chemistry course to go to Art school, got a white girl pregnant outside of marriage, and then married her. Her daughter agreed to an arranged marriage with a cousin from Pakistan (where the family were originally from) but left him after a few years. We learn that he used to beat her, but the mother doesn't know this so she keeps pressuring her daughter to go back to him. The youngest son was always the most rebellious and left home at 15 or so, not speaking to his parents for 8 years, after discovering his mother had been adding bromide to his food which had been given to her by one of the clerics at her mosque. Combined with all this, the father's brother disappeared with his lover, who was 25 years younger than him, and to whom he wasn't married, and the lover's brothers are suspected of murdering the pair as an honour killing.
The book addresses many issues - racial and religious tensions, the stupidity and evilness of organised religion, family disputes, colonialism, war, immigration, racism, cultural and social controls, the nature of sin, generational disputes, exorcisms, and many others besides. It's a very philosophical book without being bogged down with, well, philosophy. It's made me think about my own beliefs, the nature of life for people whom I know generally little about (i.e. British Muslims, and Muslims in general) and also how grateful I am for being born into a culture where they don't want to kill me just for being me. I highly recommend it.
One thing still bugs me though. One section was explaining a bit about the Muslim belief of Paradise. It said that a pious man would receive over 70 virgins to do with as he wishes in Paradise, and that a pious woman would not want any man to touch her other than her earthly husband, so she is happy just to have him in Paradise. But what if a pious woman had an unpious husband? Who does she get then? 20:12
Sunday, January 1
It is with the guilty pleasure of singing along to the Beautiful South that the first blog post of this calendar year is brought to your good selves. I was planning on doing a review of the year, looking at what I said I'd do this time last year, but I seem to have neglected to do such a thing fifty two weeks ago, so, er, I can't. From memory, here's a quick guide to my 2005 then.
Started out trying to decide which colleges and universities to apply to. Eventually decided on an internal application to college, and if I was turned down, to Leeds Met. Spent most of January stressing about preparing a portfolio for my interview but all went OK, and when I was accepted onto VisCom I was shocked, amazed and nervous. What if it all went wrong? I concentrated on finishing my Diploma course though and despite not having much inspiration for wonderful work, I passed. In Photography I produced my favourite piece of work ever - the matchboxes, of which I don't appear to have a photograph.
I spent most of my summer travelling between Belfast and Leeds. Rory and I went to the Green Man Festival, where I actually managed to see some bands, and many pretty people. Ok, so we had to come home early, but in the greater scheme of things, that's irrelevant. September brought on the start of my degree. A degree! I didn't have the fantastic start I hoped for, getting a 2:2 on my first brief and not making any immediate friends. By the end of the term though, I have a circle of people who I can call "pals" and I received the highest mark in the class (over 50 people!) for my second brief. A very successful end.
I've started CBT and finished it, started a gym membership and finished it, been depressed and been happy, but mostly, been improving. I reignited my Craft passion and practice, got my lip and labia pierced, got a tattoo, expanded my corset collection and managed to get my first female into bed since I was 15. Unfortunately we were interrupted before things could get really interesting, but that can be rectified in the next year. I also managed to get the odd bloke in there too. I've listened to and loved lots of music, read books, seen films and hugged countless people.
And for the next year? Pass the college year so I can continue to the second year in September. That means I have to pass Critical Studies, which I'm not so convinced in my ability to achieve, but we'll see. I want to continue learning, reading, listening to music, going to exhibitions and the cinema, and hopefully some gigs too. I want to get another tattoo, and Rory & I have been discussing the possibility of getting more piercings in my labia. I want to cook more, eat less processed food, be healthier, be fit, lose weight, become slim, get over the problems I have with sex, get a girlie, continue with my Craft work, learn to meditate, and just be all-round ace. Is that too much to ask for? 14:25
Started out trying to decide which colleges and universities to apply to. Eventually decided on an internal application to college, and if I was turned down, to Leeds Met. Spent most of January stressing about preparing a portfolio for my interview but all went OK, and when I was accepted onto VisCom I was shocked, amazed and nervous. What if it all went wrong? I concentrated on finishing my Diploma course though and despite not having much inspiration for wonderful work, I passed. In Photography I produced my favourite piece of work ever - the matchboxes, of which I don't appear to have a photograph.
I spent most of my summer travelling between Belfast and Leeds. Rory and I went to the Green Man Festival, where I actually managed to see some bands, and many pretty people. Ok, so we had to come home early, but in the greater scheme of things, that's irrelevant. September brought on the start of my degree. A degree! I didn't have the fantastic start I hoped for, getting a 2:2 on my first brief and not making any immediate friends. By the end of the term though, I have a circle of people who I can call "pals" and I received the highest mark in the class (over 50 people!) for my second brief. A very successful end.
I've started CBT and finished it, started a gym membership and finished it, been depressed and been happy, but mostly, been improving. I reignited my Craft passion and practice, got my lip and labia pierced, got a tattoo, expanded my corset collection and managed to get my first female into bed since I was 15. Unfortunately we were interrupted before things could get really interesting, but that can be rectified in the next year. I also managed to get the odd bloke in there too. I've listened to and loved lots of music, read books, seen films and hugged countless people.
And for the next year? Pass the college year so I can continue to the second year in September. That means I have to pass Critical Studies, which I'm not so convinced in my ability to achieve, but we'll see. I want to continue learning, reading, listening to music, going to exhibitions and the cinema, and hopefully some gigs too. I want to get another tattoo, and Rory & I have been discussing the possibility of getting more piercings in my labia. I want to cook more, eat less processed food, be healthier, be fit, lose weight, become slim, get over the problems I have with sex, get a girlie, continue with my Craft work, learn to meditate, and just be all-round ace. Is that too much to ask for? 14:25
