Sunday, February 26
The more observant amongst you will have spotted that I haven't blogged for almost a fortnight. Unusually, this is actually because I've been Doing Things, instead of having done nothing and thus having nothing to write about. Though it could be said that I still have nothing to write about. Marching straight ahead, however, here's a run down of the past two weeks.
The Jens Lekman gig was very ace. It wasn't too busy so I sat at the side and bounced around in my seat whilst Rory and Robert Dane went to stand in the crowd at the front. At one point I even stood on the edge of the crowd, whilst Jens was playing acoustic guitar in the audience. At the end he said that if he hadn't played someone's favourite song then they should go up to him and he would play it for them, as he was going to be carrying his guitar around with him. I didn't want a song playing as I'm still not very familiar with his stuff and thus I was quite happy with the ones I had heard already. I did want to go up and thank him for such a good night though. I was a bit nervous about this, as I always get around people who are vaguely famous. (When I met Ooberman, I just stood there and grinned at them. I think they thought there was something up with me.) Robert Dane managed to solve this problem by picking me up, placing me in front of him, and telling him that I wanted to say Hi. Never one for the subtle approach, Robert Dane. Jens was lovely though and shook my hand and smiled and me. Soon I was dragged away to go home however.
The Chalets gig on the Tuesday wasn't really to my taste. I don't like the Chalets' music and had only gone along for Rory. It was also much busier than the Sunday had been and so I sat at the side for the whole night. Rory tells me their lyrics are about bisexuality and threesomes, which sounds interesting enough, I just wish they could package it up with better music and a non-ugly bass player.
We didn't make it to the Research or the Go! Team gigs as Rory hurt his back whilst doing some molestation and instead we stayed in and were boring. Over the whole week I got very little work done and am now quite behind. Which could be something of a problem, as my deadline is a week tomorrow. Ah well, it's not like I was enjoying it much anyway. Jess is definitely leaving now, within the next week, and whilst I'm not planning on abandoning ship, as such, I have been looking into other courses which I may be able to transfer to for next year. My best option seems to be the course at the LMU which I was interested in anyway, Graphic Arts and Design (requires Flash, for no obvious reason). Rory says that the first year on all courses will be dull, but I can't see that. Surely if that was the case, no one would make it to the second year? I just don't like coming home every evening and when Rory asks me how the day went, all I can describe it as is "dull". That's not what university is meant to be. But I haven't made a decision yet, so we shall see.
I am now officially on the recovery program at Relate. The program forbids all sexual activity, including masturbation, until the foreseeable future. The idea, I believe, is that one's responses to certain sensations need to be reprogrammed, which can not happen whilst you still experience those sensations in the manner you do so. Normally I would have no objection to abstaining from sexual conduct, but this week I have discovered that two gorgeous women who I have been talking to online live at the top of my hill, and Mark has been over for the weekend. Pretty fucking typical. Mark says he doesn't want to do those things with me anyway, as it screws his head up, and the girlies are both taken I believe, but it's the principle of the thing! To sort myself out I have to some exercises and tasks. These are currently: take 3 baths a week, focusing on the sensations you feel; perform a relaxing meditation once a week; and do pelvic floor exercises twice a day. Relatively easy stuff, so far. I asked how long it takes to finish the program. Apparently most couples are told 8 to 20 weeks, depending on your own speed. I won't be using some of the exercises as they're not seeing me as part of a couple, but even so, the minute there's a chance of some exciting new sex and I get banned from indulging for 5 months! Still, at least I'm not paying for it. That would just be taking the piss. Rory is.
Food has been very bad recently. I don't know how to cut back again. I'm finding it very difficult. I have been doing quite a bit of exercise on my rowing machine, but even so, it can't be enough to balance out my intake. I just don't know where my self control has gone. The little that I had, anyway. I just want it all to go away. I've had enough. I want to be thin and pretty, but I can't get myself there. I want someone to take care of me and protect me from it all. 20:44
The Jens Lekman gig was very ace. It wasn't too busy so I sat at the side and bounced around in my seat whilst Rory and Robert Dane went to stand in the crowd at the front. At one point I even stood on the edge of the crowd, whilst Jens was playing acoustic guitar in the audience. At the end he said that if he hadn't played someone's favourite song then they should go up to him and he would play it for them, as he was going to be carrying his guitar around with him. I didn't want a song playing as I'm still not very familiar with his stuff and thus I was quite happy with the ones I had heard already. I did want to go up and thank him for such a good night though. I was a bit nervous about this, as I always get around people who are vaguely famous. (When I met Ooberman, I just stood there and grinned at them. I think they thought there was something up with me.) Robert Dane managed to solve this problem by picking me up, placing me in front of him, and telling him that I wanted to say Hi. Never one for the subtle approach, Robert Dane. Jens was lovely though and shook my hand and smiled and me. Soon I was dragged away to go home however.
The Chalets gig on the Tuesday wasn't really to my taste. I don't like the Chalets' music and had only gone along for Rory. It was also much busier than the Sunday had been and so I sat at the side for the whole night. Rory tells me their lyrics are about bisexuality and threesomes, which sounds interesting enough, I just wish they could package it up with better music and a non-ugly bass player.
We didn't make it to the Research or the Go! Team gigs as Rory hurt his back whilst doing some molestation and instead we stayed in and were boring. Over the whole week I got very little work done and am now quite behind. Which could be something of a problem, as my deadline is a week tomorrow. Ah well, it's not like I was enjoying it much anyway. Jess is definitely leaving now, within the next week, and whilst I'm not planning on abandoning ship, as such, I have been looking into other courses which I may be able to transfer to for next year. My best option seems to be the course at the LMU which I was interested in anyway, Graphic Arts and Design (requires Flash, for no obvious reason). Rory says that the first year on all courses will be dull, but I can't see that. Surely if that was the case, no one would make it to the second year? I just don't like coming home every evening and when Rory asks me how the day went, all I can describe it as is "dull". That's not what university is meant to be. But I haven't made a decision yet, so we shall see.
I am now officially on the recovery program at Relate. The program forbids all sexual activity, including masturbation, until the foreseeable future. The idea, I believe, is that one's responses to certain sensations need to be reprogrammed, which can not happen whilst you still experience those sensations in the manner you do so. Normally I would have no objection to abstaining from sexual conduct, but this week I have discovered that two gorgeous women who I have been talking to online live at the top of my hill, and Mark has been over for the weekend. Pretty fucking typical. Mark says he doesn't want to do those things with me anyway, as it screws his head up, and the girlies are both taken I believe, but it's the principle of the thing! To sort myself out I have to some exercises and tasks. These are currently: take 3 baths a week, focusing on the sensations you feel; perform a relaxing meditation once a week; and do pelvic floor exercises twice a day. Relatively easy stuff, so far. I asked how long it takes to finish the program. Apparently most couples are told 8 to 20 weeks, depending on your own speed. I won't be using some of the exercises as they're not seeing me as part of a couple, but even so, the minute there's a chance of some exciting new sex and I get banned from indulging for 5 months! Still, at least I'm not paying for it. That would just be taking the piss. Rory is.
Food has been very bad recently. I don't know how to cut back again. I'm finding it very difficult. I have been doing quite a bit of exercise on my rowing machine, but even so, it can't be enough to balance out my intake. I just don't know where my self control has gone. The little that I had, anyway. I just want it all to go away. I've had enough. I want to be thin and pretty, but I can't get myself there. I want someone to take care of me and protect me from it all. 20:44
Sunday, February 12
Rory's here and has brought hugs with him. Yey! Last night we went to the first of our six night mega gig-a-thon stint. Benjamin Wetherill, Devil's Jukebox and The Lovers were our entertainment. Benjamin Wetherill was divine, as usual. I thought the Devil's Jukebox were a bit dull, in the first couple of songs. One old bloke on clarinet, 2 women on some strange accordion contraption and on ukelele, and one tall bloke singing, with bad dress sense and a bit too much of an idea of himself. So I curled up on Rory's lap and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I found the singer was standing on the sofa backs next to me. Then he leapt down onto the seats and proceeded to rub himself against the side of my head. If there's one thing they're not, it's dull. I spent the rest of the gig cowering every time he came in our direction. I felt unclean for the rest of the night.
Tonight is our second date, and we'll be seeing Jens Lekman. Then tomorrow I desperately need to do some work. But after the hugs, of course. 17:10
Tonight is our second date, and we'll be seeing Jens Lekman. Then tomorrow I desperately need to do some work. But after the hugs, of course. 17:10
Tuesday, February 7
Yesterday was a more exciting day than most in that I got to cut around Damien Hirst's hairy scrotum sac and then attach it to a door:
If only every day could be as good as that.
My dad has recently informed me of two snippets of information. One, that he has downloaded the Arctic Monkeys album. I don't know which is worse - that he listens to music I like, or that he also listens to James Blunt and the Corrs. And Two, that my brother has yet again postponed his usefulness to society by applying for an MA. My dad wasn't sure what in, he said maybe Roman architecture or Roman literature, but whatever it is, be assured that it will be of no one use to anyone, at all, ever.
And now a round-up of other news: Rory's coming for hugs this weekend; cheap noodles and mayonnaise taste foul together; after tomorrow morning's lecture I don't have to be in college for another two and a half weeks; I bumped into Robert Dane on the bus, who claims he's not ignoring me, he's just been working a lot; I still have no girlies to play with and hug and molest. Please send some. Along with cushion cover-making-replacement activities. 16:42
If only every day could be as good as that.
My dad has recently informed me of two snippets of information. One, that he has downloaded the Arctic Monkeys album. I don't know which is worse - that he listens to music I like, or that he also listens to James Blunt and the Corrs. And Two, that my brother has yet again postponed his usefulness to society by applying for an MA. My dad wasn't sure what in, he said maybe Roman architecture or Roman literature, but whatever it is, be assured that it will be of no one use to anyone, at all, ever.
And now a round-up of other news: Rory's coming for hugs this weekend; cheap noodles and mayonnaise taste foul together; after tomorrow morning's lecture I don't have to be in college for another two and a half weeks; I bumped into Robert Dane on the bus, who claims he's not ignoring me, he's just been working a lot; I still have no girlies to play with and hug and molest. Please send some. Along with cushion cover-making-replacement activities. 16:42
Sunday, February 5
I have run out of things to make into cushion covers. I don't quite know what to do next. Send ideas, or I may have to resort to doing Work.
20:40
Thursday, February 2
In contrast to most of my recent weeks, I have actually had quite a busy time so far this week. Monday was slow as I only had to be in college for a 15 minute tutorial, but that went very well. We were looking at my place on the course as a whole and David said that I'm doing brilliantly, something I had been in doubt of. Despite only having produced one piece of writing over 500 words since I started, he already predicts I'll get a first or a high 2:1 in my dissertation (luckily over a year and a half away yet). We agreed that I could do with attempting to ignore the rowdier, younger set of students on the course, as they irk me far too much. He said that they usually quieten down a lot at the start of the second year, which would be a blessing. But aside from that, it was all good stuff, and gave me a lot of reassurance.
In the evening I managed to persuade my dad to drive me to Pudsey to collect a CD rack I'd bought from Ebay. Now instead of having huge piles of CDs in my bedroom, I have 3 large stacks of them and a small pile. I rediscovered so many CDs I had forgotten about when I was putting them in the rack. Practically every other CD would make me think, "You're ace! Why haven't I listened to you more?" Then I made another cushion cover.
Tuesday at college was mostly unremarkable but in the evening, Simon and I went to a public Imbolc ritual at Swarthmore. It was interesting - similar in some respects to things I had done before, and very different in others. Afterwards Simon went home and I went to the pub with them to talk further.
They were very friendly and seemed quite sensible (there's a lot of very un-sensible people in the Craft). They recommended authors who I respect, which is always a good sign. I've been thinking about the Craft and its place in my life and I think the next logical step would be to join a group. I need some structure to ensure I take my studies seriously, and I'm also near the point where there's not much left that I can learn on my own. The fact that they have a slightly different approach to that which I first encountered can only be good too.
But still something holds me back from committing fully to it all. I believe it's a combination of fear, procrastination and a lack of arsedness. I know the power the Craft has, and I'm scared of doing things wrong and everything fucking up again. I'm a stronger person than I was last time, but am I necessarily strong enough? The potential rewards are immense, but so are the potential pitfalls. As much as I believe in striving to be all that you can, in seizing your chances, in learning and doing as much as you can, and so on, it's still hard for me to put that into action. As Rory keeps telling me, I'm too conservative by nature. I do want to work with them more though, and perhaps I can do that without fully committing at first. I shall have to see.
Wednesday evening I went for a drink at a cafe in Hyde Park with a bloke from the internet. But before you say anything, this one is gay. Which is probably a lucky thing for him. He's called Ronan, he's very nice, and we met on Freecycle. He's doing a degree in Set Design but is in his third year, thus he's quite busy. We've agreed to meet up more, but not for another month, as he's just too busy. But yey! I might have captured me a friend!
Today has been very non-descript. I have done nothing worth remarking on. Tomorrow I am off to SHIP, there's a Reps meeting in the morning, then Reach Out in the afternoon. I'll be back again on Saturday for a day-long Stop Procrastinating workshop (boy, do I need that). Robert Dane appears to be ignoring me. The PostSecret book is wonderful. I get hugs in a week and two days. 20:28
In the evening I managed to persuade my dad to drive me to Pudsey to collect a CD rack I'd bought from Ebay. Now instead of having huge piles of CDs in my bedroom, I have 3 large stacks of them and a small pile. I rediscovered so many CDs I had forgotten about when I was putting them in the rack. Practically every other CD would make me think, "You're ace! Why haven't I listened to you more?" Then I made another cushion cover.
Tuesday at college was mostly unremarkable but in the evening, Simon and I went to a public Imbolc ritual at Swarthmore. It was interesting - similar in some respects to things I had done before, and very different in others. Afterwards Simon went home and I went to the pub with them to talk further.
They were very friendly and seemed quite sensible (there's a lot of very un-sensible people in the Craft). They recommended authors who I respect, which is always a good sign. I've been thinking about the Craft and its place in my life and I think the next logical step would be to join a group. I need some structure to ensure I take my studies seriously, and I'm also near the point where there's not much left that I can learn on my own. The fact that they have a slightly different approach to that which I first encountered can only be good too.
But still something holds me back from committing fully to it all. I believe it's a combination of fear, procrastination and a lack of arsedness. I know the power the Craft has, and I'm scared of doing things wrong and everything fucking up again. I'm a stronger person than I was last time, but am I necessarily strong enough? The potential rewards are immense, but so are the potential pitfalls. As much as I believe in striving to be all that you can, in seizing your chances, in learning and doing as much as you can, and so on, it's still hard for me to put that into action. As Rory keeps telling me, I'm too conservative by nature. I do want to work with them more though, and perhaps I can do that without fully committing at first. I shall have to see.
Wednesday evening I went for a drink at a cafe in Hyde Park with a bloke from the internet. But before you say anything, this one is gay. Which is probably a lucky thing for him. He's called Ronan, he's very nice, and we met on Freecycle. He's doing a degree in Set Design but is in his third year, thus he's quite busy. We've agreed to meet up more, but not for another month, as he's just too busy. But yey! I might have captured me a friend!
Today has been very non-descript. I have done nothing worth remarking on. Tomorrow I am off to SHIP, there's a Reps meeting in the morning, then Reach Out in the afternoon. I'll be back again on Saturday for a day-long Stop Procrastinating workshop (boy, do I need that). Robert Dane appears to be ignoring me. The PostSecret book is wonderful. I get hugs in a week and two days. 20:28
