Girl tells of her forced "circumcision" at 13. Sometimes there is no explanation, all you can do is sympathise and cry and hope one day to be in a position to change such things. It certainly is more worth of space here than the news I'm off to the Leeds Festival.
23:23

Today has been horrible. I got hit by the latest virus last night and today was spent trying to clear it off my system. The bastarding thing auto-opened so I didn't even have to select the attachment to view it. It all meant I had to reinstall Win2000 and most of my applications. Still left to do is Paint Shop Pro and all of Office. It kept me occupied though. Took my thoughts away from the pies in my fridge. Well, most of the time.
21:37

I've had Simon on my mind again as I had two dreams featuring him last night. In one of them he, her and I all had lots of interesting sex with each other. And now I can't get him out of my mind. The things that have passed between us, the things I'd like to happen, what might actually be happening with him. It's upsetting me. I almost want to write to him and wish him well becuase I do sincerely hope that what he's doing will make him happy, however much it saddens me and concerns Rory. But then would he even appreciate such a note? He certainly wouldn't be able to understand the meaning behind it, or the longing.

Thinking about things I've realised that I don't love him, not that I ever really suspected I did, because if I did love him I would be glad that he's taking such a big step that he obviously feels will enrichen his life, whereas I want him to be happy but I'd prefer it to be with me, which first off is plain selfish and secondly is signalling that what I feel is an obsession and not love. I'm upset because he's excluding and shunning me and not because I feel he's risking his sanity by marrying someone who is seeking to control and possibly (though sub-consciously) anihilate him (yes I'm concerned but not upset with this, he is an adult after all and can make his own choices). Whatever the reasons behind my reservations the fact still remains that I am attracted to him and that this attraction is indivisible from any contact I could have with him. All would be fine if she wasn't so possessive and would allow him relationships aside from with her but as it is I'm only allowed a good friendship with him. Should I take this up, whilst I would have access to his mind and knowledge and all those other aspects of him that made me fall for him in the first place, I would still be wanting more, and it would be torturous to be able to only have half of who he is. In addition the jealousy would be unbearable and so he wouldn't be able to mention any aspect of his life with her without throwing me into a deep depression. I've already got one person censoring my view of their life in such a way, adding other people who can not be whole with me is unfair to those persons and also says some serious things about my personality, that I'm not willing to accept their choices and am seeking to control them in accordance with my desires. Only really horrible people treat friends in such a manner.

And so I'm sat here, pinning over what I lost from the past - conversations and friendship and concern and knowledge inaccessable as it makes me upset to think of what has happened to the person who shared part of himself with me - and what I've lost from the future - conversations and friendship and concern and knowledge and experiences and so on with a person I admire and care about and long for. I can't change what will happen tomorrow and to attempt to would be futile and bring hate and contempt upon me. I can't change what I've lost - a year of music and culture and passion and laughter from not only him but the whole of BSN (who hate me anyway). The only thing I can do is get over it, move on, find someone else, someone better, some one who will accept my devotion and choose to experience life along side me. Which is difficult, but necessary, to do.

It could be argued though that I've already found that person, and it's Rory. He fits the picture. Why then can I not throw all my energies into him and forget about the people who only provide me with unrequited emotions? (But it wasn't unrequited! He felt something for me too! He said so and that's what really upsets me, that there was a real, tangible chance of something happening between us but the woman who took him was too controlling and possessive to allow him people other than herself.) The only answer I can find is that the grass is greener. Or that Rory isn't enough for me and I need others along side him to be with, which is fine with both of us. What's the point in devoting yourself to just one person? The things you experience with one partner can be experienced all the more powerfully if it's shared amongst a group.

I don't know where this is going now. I'm probably just ranting. I wanted to record it though. This is my diary and this is a very important part of my life at this moment in time. It needs to be written down and kept, and maybe one day it will be of use.
13:30

I've just found the best new toy since Stor Troopers. This is the Mini-Mizer and I could, and will, spend hours playing. Below is the closest I could get to what I'd look like, should I be dressed. Which I'm not. Probably should go get dressed shouldn't I?


11:05

When I have a lot to write here it often inspires me and I enjoy retelling what has recently happened. Sometimes though it just seems overwhelming and as if it's a chore, and blogging shouldn't be a chore. Unfortunately today is one of those days so please accept my appologies if the narrative gets a little tedious.

Today is Morag's birthday and last night we went for a meal to celebrate and then some carried on to see the Handsome Family, Morag's favourite band, at City Varieties. I was almost honoured that Morag had asked me to come along, seeing as my inferiority complex dictates that everyone hates me. So when I got up yesterday I was nervous because of the evening. Eating food stresses me out, as does leaving the house, meeting new people and trying to look pretty, all of which I was going to have to do. It took me about half an hour to decide what to wear, in the end I chose my new blue skirt, with a long black skirt under it, and a plain white top. I thought I looked quite good but it wasn't too outrageous, too dressed up or too dressed down. Versatile.

I was meeting Morag at around half four but I wanted to leave a little early to go to the post office and do a little shopping in town, so I had two and a half hours to kill. My nervousness wouldn't leave so I had some chocolate but that just made me feel sickly. I left at about 3 and arrived in town at about quarter to four. Went to bank to get cash as I got a Switch card recently and they changed my PIN. Nervousness building as I walked through town. Went to HMV and bought the Yeah Yeah Yeah's single, walked down through the arcades and drooled at the lovely clothes they had. Purple corset for £140! Need! Getting stressed, dropping things, sweating as it's humid and I'm nervous. Went to Harvey Nichols to see if they sell any Jane Doe clothing but they don't. They did have a few things I liked, but obviously way beyond my means. When I came out I rang Morag who was in Lush and said I needed to go sit somewhere quiet for a while and I'd meet her in 20 minutes. I went to SHIP and sat down with a glass of water for quarter of an hour, trying to breathe deeply and not hyperventilate or explode or whatever it was my body was trying to do. It wasn't pleasant. When I felt calm enough I rang Morag again and arranged to meet her in 5 minutes outside Borders. I went to Beano in search of cheese but they didn't have the sort I ususally buy and I didn't want to try the other varieties as they're more expensive. The nervousness and stress started rising again and by the time I'd been waiting for 5 minutes extra and there was still no Morag, I was pretty freaked out. I rang her again, just as she came around the corner. I told her how stressed I was and she hugged me but she had to go to the bank machine and I sat on a bench guarding her shopping for her. I took the opportunity to ring Rory who said he'd ring me back but he didn't ring, and Morag was gone and my breathing was screwed and my head was doing summersaults and I didn't know what to do. When she came back we set off to where we were meeting her friends, at the North Bar, whilst I was tightly squeezing her hand with my left hand and my mobile, willing Rory to ring me, with the right.

We got to the pub and sat down and I tried to breathe and not collapse, and Rory finally rang me and a friend rang Morag and she had to go stand across the road in a parking spot to save it for her disabled friend. Rory said he'd been trying to ring but it wouldn't connect to my phone. One2One really are a set of useless bastards. He talked to me for 5 minutes and I got a lot calmer though by normal people's standards it was still far too stressed. Morag's friends turned up. Rhiannon who was Pretty, someone who's name I can't spell who was quite pretty and her partner, called Andy I think, who wasn't pretty but was very nice, even if he did talk too quietly. We'd been discussing people who we'd lost contact with but wished we hadn't when one of Morag's such friends walked past the bar. This could only happen to Morag. So he stayed and chatted for 10 minutes.

We went to Roots and Fruits (Roots and Shoots?) at about quarter past six for some food. I was still stressed and wasn't feeling too hungry but everyone else wanted starters so I gave in. We all decided to share a plate of nachos, fried goats cheese and potato wedges. Very nice food. I wanted to have the stuffed peppers on the specials menu but they contained feta cheese so I had to order a burger and chips instead. It was lovely though and I really enjoyed it, though I did wish I could have some mayonaise for the chips ;-). By the time we'd finished all that it was almost 8 o'clock so we left and went back to the North Bar where Ian, Rachel and Morag's housemate Marie were. I haven't met Marie but she looked scarily familiar. I think I've met her before somewhere but can't place my finger on it. I decided to leave then as I didn't have a ticket for the gig and it was too expensive to buy one and in any case I needed to go home and talk to Rory about the day as it had been so extra-ordinary. Morag came outside to talk to me for a couple of minutes before I went. She said she was really glad that I'd come along, she'd been worried I wouldn't because she knew how difficult it would all be for me. She said that I needn't worry about looking pretty because she thought I was pretty, and so does Kitty. In fact when they were last together they discussed my prettiness for a few minutes, apparantly. All that praise left a big smile on my face and Morag hugged me goodbye and so I went home, with Morag's bag of fake plastic grass she'd bought from Miss Selfridges with me, as it was too big for her to take to the gig. Morag promised to come soon to collect it and see my house and animals.

On the bus a man sat opposite me who looked like Simon, only a few inches taller (just a few!). I tried not to look at him as it was getting me upset again but it was hard. I was glad when I got off the bus. Then Rory and I had a good talk. He said he thought I had a panic attack in town but I think that it was leading up to one but I managed to stop it developing into it. More crap's been going on at his work so he probably isn't going to be coming to see me tomorrow, and he doesn't know when he will be. It's extremely disappointing for both of us and it's going to be the longest we've been apart since we became friends. It just isn't feasable for him to come over though.

Today is much more relaxed than yesterday. There's nothing I need to do so I'm going to sit upstairs and read. Simon's coming round later he said he might help me clean my house. I want us to play with the gerbils too as I feel I'm neglecting them. Tomorrow is the women's group and Friday I was supposed to be going to the theatre but as Rory was coming I said I wouldn't go, and now he isn't coming I can't have the ticket back, so it's going to be a quiet weekend as well. Which is probably what I need.
13:03

Whilst I was at my parents this afternoon I was looking through a few of my mum's magazines that she buys for the shop. One had the following statistic:
One in five. So 80% of all mothers feel, essentially, that their sex life has deteriorated since having kids. And they're promoting this?
18:02

The theatre last night, A Chaste Maid In Cheapside, was rather dire. The plot was incomprehensible, no one had any idea who most of the characters were, there were about 20 different sub-plots, the language was difficult (seeing as the play is four hundred years old), the set creaked, the stage design was appalling and needed a complete rethinking, the actors' shoes made huge noises on the floor so when they were walking you couldn't hear the speech, the speech was spoken far too quickly which didn't help in trying to follow what was happening, and a whole load of other complaints. In its favour, there were a couple of nice actresses but that was it. And the people behind us kept russtling sweet papers. The drive home was excruciating with my parents and their yakking and mindless conversation. It certainly wasn't a good evening, despite having had Hula Hoops. And then I had more nightmares in my sleep. It's times like this I start to wonder what the point is and why I continue bothering with it all.
12:40

Oh, I *ache*. I want to curl up in bed where it's warm and soft, and be stroked by someone lovingly, whilst drinking hot chocolate or eating ice cream. Soothing, gentle music, a few candles maybe, and some incense. Mmmmm...

Got up at half past 8 as I'd had bad dreams about my nan molesting me, again, (it's been a theme for several months now,) and I didn't want to sleep some more and risk the same happening again. I was the only one who turned up to the women's group so I sat and ranted at the facilitator for an hour and half. My throat hurt by the end. There was a sign advertising a Creative Expression course, which I was invited to join, and I shall be. The creative expression group is open again and I was told if I wanted to return then I was welcome. It's tomorrow lunchtime. If I get out bed in time then I'll go. There's a shiatsu group afterwards so I might stay on for that. Then at 1pm I went to meet Sandra. We didn't have much difficulty in finding each other, luckily, and we went for lunch in a cafe next to the corn exchange. We both ordered the vegetarian lunch plate, which consisted of roasted peppers, mushrooms, aubergine and courgettes, salad, humous, olives (which I gave to Sandra) and some bread. It was really enjoyable, though I could have eaten two of them! The bread was warm which is always good. Bread is supposed to be eaten warm, fresh from the oven, I think. Can't be beaten. After lunch we looked round town, in clothes shops, and Trade For Change, who had vegan hot chocolate, and we both confessed that we eat it from the jar. We went to Safeways as Sandra wanted to buy some dates and I managed to escape with only buying fruit juice, though there was much more I wanted. Mmmmm. A food centred day, today. Then I caught a bus to Bramley, slipped into Morrisons to buy grape juice and potatos, dropped them off home, and against my body's requests to stay at home where it was warm and soft, I went to the doctors to get the dreaded tetnus jab. Only the nurse wouldn't give me it. I was supposed to have one at about 10 or 11 in school, but I have no memory of it, I rang my parents who couldn't say for sure but can't remember me having it either and there was no record of me having had one on my file. And she still wouldn't give me it. Bitch. My feet were aching and sore after all the walking so I caught the bus back instead of coming across the park as I usually do. And now I'm going to lay down and be warm and maybe eat something and talk to Rory and not leave the house for ages. Definately not to buy chips. No. No chips for Sarah. I think.
18:21

Again not much has been happening. I'm having a tetnus jab tomorrow as Cinnamon keeps scratching me. I have 118 books that I haven't read. I received my first payment for the Ebay 7"s today. I have been banned from buying books by Rory and Simon. Lunch tomorrow with Sandra - eeek! The Angel Corpus Christi album is again in my possession, though not The Boy With The Arab Strap as Simon keeps forgetting to return it. My bank balance is looking dangerously low. Theatre in Huddersfield on Saturday, and hopefully a haircut on Sunday. Rory has to go into work at 3am this morning, poor love. Harriet desperately wants a relationship with her boyfriend's friend, who seems to want to go to Isreal. And that's about it.
21:58

Last night I had a huge, long conversation with Rory about Simon and my obsession and what needs to be done about it. I cried the most I've cried in a very long time, seeing as my drugs stop me from crying all day, as I used to be doing before them. What we concluded though was that as ace as Simon is, he's also extremely flawed and those flaws are not compatible with my personality, thus it is good that things were never serious between us. One of his flaws is his reticence and desire to be controlled, which is why his relationship has developed as it has done, and why nothing ever developed between me and him. Rory thinks that we won't be able to make him see how damaging his relationship could be and so have to leave him to it, for it to run its natural course, and if he survives it then perhaps in the future we could be friends again. In the meantime I can find other people just as fantastic as he is and the things I desired from him can be provided by others, who hopefully will be better for me, who can help me in ways he couldn't. So in, say, 5 years time, when I am Better and Healthy and wonderful in all the ways I want to be, the situation might arise for something to happen between us again, and at that time we will be more suited to each other as I'll need different things from him to what I'd need now. But if the situation doesn't occur, there will still be other people to love me and hug me and teach me things and to experience life with and it's his loss, not mine.

That's all I can say for now or else I'll get too emotional again and might start crying once more, which would be a pity after last night's success. So, elsewhere, the results of my blood test came back and all is fine; Cinnamon is trying to claw through my foot so I need a tetnus jab; it's a lovely day outside with birds and sunshine and a cool breeze - very calming when no cars or lorries are passing; I've been eating too much but it will be easy to lose the new weight; and I'm going for lunch on Thursday with Sandra, a Swedish vegan I met on a mailing list. I'm getting there. Slowly. But I'm getting there.
11:52 - 1 Comment

I thought it was about time I added another entry as my posting has been sporadic to say the least. In all honesty, life has been fairly routine and there hasn't been much to write about. That looks set to change though, as I'm meeting Sandra, a Swedish vegan I met on a mailing list, for lunch on Thursday; Milla has invited herself to my house during the summer to take erotic photographs of me; Harriet and I have agreed to meet up once her degree is finished (13th May); SHIP has released their new timetable of activities with lots of groups I'm interested in; I'm considering going to the yoga class at Kirkstall leisure centre on a Tuesday afternoon; and Rory is trying to get me to start going swimming. There's a lot planned there, and hopefully most of it will come off, as I need a great big kick to get me out of my apathetic, dull rut. I was considering performing a spell to try and get my arse in gear but I think I might be able to manage without it. Should that change though, magic could be just what I need.

I went to the women's group on Thursday and managed to have a huge rant about my schooling, parents, laziness, lack of motivation, paranoias, lack of direction and various other things. It did me good and other people sympathised and empathised so I'm glad I could help them too. I'm considering trying the creative expression group again, but it depends on its format and who else is currently participating. When I left a few people were going who irritated me so badly that I do my best to avoid them.

I put some 7"s on Ebay for selling, about 8 of them, and over all they've brought me about £27! I'm very happy at this, it will provide me with more money to spend on other bids! There's some very lovely items for auction but my self restraint is increasing and I only buy the special ones, or the cheap ones!

I've been reading again, and I'm trying to develop my creative side by making collaged cards for people. I've been overdoing the food a little so I'm trying to cut back on that. My thighs are still far too big for me to be happy with, though. Morag has invited me out for her birthday meal on the 23rd and with luck Rory will be visiting me in a fortnight. Yesterday I was very upset as I'd had 3 dreams about Si Si and his wedding and I spent half the day trying to not cry over what happened and what didn't happen. I have to accept it and move on, it's been a year since I last spoke to him properly, but it still hurts like hell and I still desperately want him. It's a bit of a screwy situation, really.
16:40

14:36

Orisinal have a wonderful array of simple yet difficult games to waste hours with. I have a corset. I want Hob Nobs.
14:50

I haven't been writing here much. I keep forgetting to. But then there hasn't been lots of exciting news that requires recording. Robert's passed his driving test. I keep spending money on Ebay. Cinnamon is still far too energetic for me. I need new, exciting things to happen.
18:19

One for the conspiracy theorists - no plane crashed into the Pentagon on Sept. 11th. The article certainly makes you question what we have been told about what happened that day. Does anyone have any comments on the article? I'd love to hear others' opinions.
16:44

I am back from spending lots of money on knickers with crosswords to show you to Divine Interventions. I suspect many people have already heard of it. If you haven't you really are missing out. I have my eye on young Mary, truth be told.
16:11

Last night I dreamt about Richey from the Manics. We met in a class of some sort, we were sitting at adjoining desks. Afterwards we walked outside together, growing ever closer. My dad and brother appeared wanting advice on where to buy a bra for Robert. After that the location becomes unclear in my memory but I was still with Richey for some time and there was a lot of erotic suggestion. Mmmmm. It was a lovely dream = )
09:48

it seems that www.hugexchange.* is available. I see a hole in the market.
23:10

According to site stats, lots of people are visiting my site. I'm also getting several donations oral sex (none of which have turned up with the goods, it should be noted) but only two people have commented in this diary and 4 have signed my guestmap. Is this standard feedback? I feel abandonned and shunned. So if you're reading this, please leave a comment to let me know you've been past. It would be nice to know I'm not talking to myself.

I was reading the Charge of the Goddess a night or two agao and it renewed my passion for the Craft. I lay in bed thinking about the passage, trying to figure out its message. I concluded that to succeed as a Priestess and Witch I need to "look inside". The only method I knew of doing this is meditation but as the saying goes, there's more than one way to skin a cat. Google searches didn't help much so I asked Rory for suggestions. He concluded that meditation, drugs and alcohol are the only feasible ways, unfortunately. Damn. Alcohol didn't work; drugs are expensive, illegal and potentially dangerous; and I'm too lazy and unmotivated to make a proper go of meditation.
14:33

So much is happening in the world. People are dying all over the place. In recent days the news sites have been full of stories of suicide bombings and floods and train crashes and earthquakes and much more. It's a very bleak and upsetting picture. I want to right the world, make everyone happy, bring about equality and freedom and peace. It's so frustrating having no influence but lots of desire.

There's good news though as the Netherlands legalises euthanasia, what may be the first novel by a black woman is about to be published and I am celebrating weighing the least since since the age of 13 by eating lots of chocolate.

Today dad took me to the supermarket and I spent £30 - 4 litres of grape juice, 20 cans of cat food, 5 tins of soup, 20 litres of cat litter and more. I thought I'd take advantage of his car ;-)
I'm also splashing out on buying a corset from a woman I met through Ebay. It will cost £55 but that's half of what it should cost, and Rory will contribute 50% in any case. I need to cut back on my Ebay spending though. I'm getting far too carried away.
23:03