I upgraded my blogging software a couple of days ago but new features have been added which aren't explained so I haven't posted due to being paranoid I'll break something important. The need to blog has consumed me though and I've returned with a brand new update, enjoyment unguaranteed.

College started again today but I didn't go because there was torrential rain. My umbrella is currently covered in cat shit as Cinnamon was sitting on it with a poo-y bottom and I didn't fancy attempting the journey without an umbrella. The time was spent very productively though, I was in bed producing snores and nightmares.

Dad and I went to see another house on Friday. It's in Woodhouse which is a bit further away from the area I want to live in than I'd ideally like. The house was lovely though. It had a new kitchen and bathroom and two large bedrooms. It was about the size of my current house. It was very enthusiastic about it but the estate agent warned of potential trouble from the neighbourhood. We had a drive around but the area seemed mostly fine. The gardens were well kept and had flowers, not litter, in them. The house was an affordable price and dad was happy with its condition. I'm just concerned about what the estate agent was saying, and that it's a bit further from my friends. Though David is meant to be moving closer to Headingley centre this weekend, and I've lost touch with Rebecca. I've started questioning if moving is really worth it, I haven't made a decision yet though.

I've got my webcam working now. It took me a couple of days to find some suitable software and drivers but now it'll all steams ahead. The quality isn't that great, but it was only a tenner from Ebay so what do you expect? And no, you're not having the URL. Yet. I'm jetting off to Belfast again on Thursday. So far we've arranged to go Go-Karting (I think that's it anyway) but nothing else. We have ordered lots of lovely food from Tesco Online though, which has me drooling in anticipation. And I've arranged to meet Simon on Wednesday to get my nose re-pierced. Eeep!
16:20

The weather's picked up again, it was very hot today. It's worrying me as April is meant to be full of rain. So when is the rain going to catch up with us? I forgot to mention in the last post that I saw Fiona in Headingley. She's a girl who was in my English Lit class at college. Her hair was only bleached this time, instead of pink or green or blue, or all of them. She says she's in London studying Journalism. We didn't have time to talk as we were both heading off places, but it was strange seeing her. I've spoken to Margaret who lives over the road and she said she's willing to feed Cinnamon for me whilst I'm in Belfast. That's great news as I was dreading the thought of paying for a cattery. I've arranged with David to have lunch again on Friday. I have a house viewing at 3pm, so I can go see him after the facilitating course and spend a little while shopping before I meet my dad. I talked to him a little yesterday and it seems he having problems with his band mates - they have a gig lined up on Friday but haven't practised for a month and David's not very happy about it. Hopefully everything will be resolved soon. My mood has been fluctuating a lot, and I don't particularly like myself right now. I've started doing sit-ups again though, which is a start if nothing else. There's an article about the superfluous nature of copyright which I agree with, even though I couldn't quite follow it all.
21:10

The house we went to see on Thursday was nothing very special. I'm getting sick of house hunting, I just want to move and be done with it. It's depressing to see house after house and either see how crap they are or be disappointed because they're not mine and I can't have them. After viewing I met David for lunch. We went to the usual cafe and I had a lovely Thai curry. His band are playing at the Packhorse on Friday and I'm planning on going along. When he had gone back to work I went round the shops and bought up items I thought would sell well on Ebay. I didn't get home until half past four and I was knackered, considering I had had no sleep. I spent the rest of the day in bed, catching up. It was a lovely sleep.

I was meant to be going for a walk with Simon Friday morning but he hadn't rung me to arrange it. I was worried about where he was and what was happening, but he turned up eventually, ill, so we stayed inside instead. And that's as exciting as my life gets.
19:36

I can't sleep. Whether it's due the thoughts that have been spinning through my head or because, unknown to me, Coca Cola have inserted silly amounts of caffeine into their vanilla flavoured diet Coke, which I sampled for the first time earlier, I can not say. Some of the things I've been thinking include: should I register hugjunky.net as a domain?; I should ring David tomorrow to suggest meeting for lunch; what time is best to ring David to suggest this; I think I'll get some garlic mayonnaise when I can as it's lovely stuff; I have to go to the supermarket tomorrow and I hate supermarkets; the supermarket will have their delicious onion bagels which is bad as I'll probably buy loads, eat them all, and then feel bad; I wonder where Cinnamon is, this is the second night he's not been home; I need an application to auto-update my photograph folders, like blog software auto-updates your blog; The (International) Noise Conspiracy are fantastic; my legs feel wonderfully smooth at the moment, I keep stroking them; I wish I could fall asleep, I have to get up soon.
03:46

It seems summer has arrived a couple of months early. It's been uncharacteristically warm today, it's normally thunderstorms throughout the whole of April for Britain. I had to walk to the doctors in the sun, made worse by the fact it's currently school holidays. Luckily very few kids were around so the walk wasn't too stressful. I saw the practice's new doctor who was fairly nice though somewhat quiet. I told him about my fits and he checked my eyes and my reflexes. It seems the left side of my body works but not my right. He decided to refer me to a neurologist but I'm sure some other doctor said they would too and I haven't heard anything back. Shall have to wait and see I guess.

As I was walking home, a plan for pasta salad formed in my head. Pasta, green pesto, peas, chopped spinach, chopped green pepper and onions. Sounds lovely, and healthy too I think. I was going to go to the supermarket to get some ingredients but I couldn't bear the thought of walking all the way there and then home again with the shopping, considering the heat. I decided I can persuade my dad to take me to the supermarket tomorrow to buy things, after we've been to view a house. Dads are useful are for these things.

I rang Morag tonight and spoke to her for the first time in months. We had a bit of a catch-up but unfortunately she couldn't help me with what I had called for - see if I could stay with her this weekend, or her with me. I hate weekends, I get very depressed at them, and the same with bank holidays. So when you have four days in a row of weekend and bank holiday you can guarantee I won't be feeling my best. Having someone around to talk to and do things with keeps me occupied though so there's a much smaller chance of depression. She couldn't come though as she's going back to Eastbourne to see her nan.
22:39

I've had a bit of a cold these past few days. Not much, just a sniffle really, but it's been irritating and I've had to drink a litre of orange juice a day to try and make it leave me. Still around though. Maybe it's lonely. I've had lots of my deja-vu fits too so I'm going to see the doctor about them, and to pick up some more medication, on Wednesday. The weekend was boring on the whole, but no change there I guess. The only difference was Stuart came over yesterday and stayed til this lunch time. It was awkward. I said to him that I thought he was expecting too much from me, relationship wise and sexually, but he said that he didn't expect anything and was happy with that. I'm still not entirely comfortable about the situation though. Couldn't say why, mind. But I got lots of hugs from him, so it wasn't all bad. I'm just a hug slut.

There was no college today as we've broken up for Easter, it did mean that there was plenty of kiddies in town, getting in the way and being loud, annoying and obnoxious. I tried to ignore them by drooling over the Phaidon and Taschen books in Waterstones but even that didn't last all afternoon. I went in search of shoes, as I could do with another pair which aren't my DMs or crappy "sneakers" from Next. I found quite a few fantastic pairs but none in my size (a tiny 4, if you must know). Everywhere, aside from the kiddies, you couldn't move for ugly people. They seemed to be pouring from every crack and every hole. This didn't make me feel very secure, especially after I had eaten two hummus bagels from the Bagel Factory. They have a new bagel flavour - apple and cinnamon. It's divine. I was feeling unattractive in any case, as I ate huge amounts yesterday and all the clothes I normally wear to hide my fat in were being washed and I took me at least twenty minutes to find something I was able to wear outside of the house. The general rule is the longer it takes me to get ready the worse I feel about myself. And then I topped it all off with having chips for tea. It wasn't something I planned upon, but I had to go buy orange juice, and they smelled nice, and there wasn't anything else in the house I wanted to eat. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
19:43

I've had four of my deja-vu fainty gibberish-speaking fits in three days. Quite something more than worrying. I rang to get a doctors appointment but there's none available until next week though I can ring tomorrow lunchtime in the hope of getting a cancellation. I don't know what's causing this sudden bout of them. My period is overdue, that may account for it. I also know I haven't been eating balanced meals, which no doubt won't help either. Rory has asked me to consider having some dairy products occasionally but I'd do anything to avoid that, well, except eat broccoli which was David's advice. He said adding dairy to my diet wouldn't do anything other than give me more saturated fat and I should eat more fresh fruit and veg, especially that abomination called broccoli. I was browsing Amazon for some simple vegan recipe books in the hope I could find something to provide me with culinary inspiration and The Joy Of Vegan Cookery looks like it might be just what I need. Being me though means that I can't purchase just one item, I have to get many. And they have an offer of free postage on orders over £39! I'm sure you get the picture. Rory's offered to buy me the items if I do some sit-ups daily for a week, but that's a week away and I want them now!

Rory has asked me to consider moving to Belfast. Initially I was convinced he was mad but as I thought about it it's started to make more and more sense. I would have hugs on demand and would be far less lonely, the most important thing of all. I would have someone to share bills and someone to help me control food, and to cook food so I would eat healthier. I could stop house hunting and getting so worked up about having no where to move to. I would have a set of friends ready for me to integrate myself into, who I already know reasonably well and who seem to like me. Belfast has a very good university, excellent transport links, and my parents don't live there. I was researching further education and there is a college offering A-Level Photography, I've asked them to send me a prospectus. All Rory's friends keep telling him that the image he paints of Belfast for me is inaccurate, that the city has improved more than he tells me with regard to the terrorism and unstable situation. In fact, as long as you avoid certain select areas you would almost never know you were living in the same city as those who persevere with their petty squabbles. Of course it's not a decision I can make lightly. I'm actually surprising myself (and my psychologist) with how sensibly I'm approaching this. I need to look into the support I can get there, the possibilities of education, and the amount of vegan resources available. I also need to consider how difficult it would be to return if things don't work out for me, and Simon has promised he would be able to find me a sofa to sleep on for a couple of weeks if it was a necessity, as returning to my parents isn't an option. I think I have to make a decision by July or August, as deciding after it's too late to join academic courses would mean missing out on going to college this year, and would waste a whole year for me.
20:15

I know I should write a lengthy and in-depth entry to justify my week away but I really don't have the energy for that. To summarise, I had an excellent time and hated having to come home. I met all of Rory's friends, went to Dublin and drooled at the pretty girlies there, drove up round the Irish east coast and saw Scotland, lambs, cows, hills, lakes, the sea, some pubs, a couple of castles and many other things on the way (Barry's photographs of the day reside here), met a B3tan, ate lots of cereal and didn't sleep enough. The flights were stressful, Dublin was frantic, Rory's flat was lovely and his friends were very nice, if somewhat loud. And I'm investigating moving over there, though no decision will be made for several months.
19:50

Yesterday was very run-of-the-mill. I went to college and did very little work, ate some hummus sandwiches, and didn't do anything else of use all day. Last night I had anpther nightmare, about people hating me and trying to kill me. I hope this isn't the beginning of a spell of them. At least if it is, Rory will be able to comfort me for a short while. Because I go to see him tomorrow! My anxiety is already sky high, and I know it will just get worse until I arrive in Belfast. I'm nervous about everything - the airport; flying; being in Belfast; Rory's friends and so on. Robert is giving me a lift there and back, and he's coming over tonight so I can take Cinnamon to Simon's house for the week. Perhaps in anticipation the beautiful weather has become rainy and miserable, it even hailed a little earlier. Planned events for the trip include the huge house-warming party on Thursday night, shopping in Belfast on Thursday afternoon, a trip to Dublin on Friday, including shopping and popping in to the B3ta bash (which is looking as if it will be very under-populated) and some bagel-eating. Woo! But that's all the updates until I return on Sunday.
19:22