00:18
I've been listening to Cornelius. Very strange. Like Man or Astroman in places, and very un-like them in others. I started reading Three Lives last night. I didn't get very far though as my dad came around until twelve trying to get my CD burner software to install and trying to get the washing machine to give me my clothes back. The washing machine relented, the computer didn't.
Tomorrow Simon's coming around and we're cleaning the gerbils. Thursday is the peak of the week though as I have the confidence building group, shiatsu and the Vagina Monologues. My dad is also to be fitted in somewhere as SHIP needed a keyboard so I volunteered my dad's. This did mean I had to tell him of the existence of SHIP though he doesn't know yet anything about them other than they need a keyboard and I go twice a week. He didn't ask questions which was nice of him. This morning I received three cards from Postcard X which was nice. And three people had filled in my online survey so I felt all loved this morning, if somewhat fat.
20:02
This quote won't leave my head and it's a bit annoying. It happens occassionally. Oh well. I love the play. I have sections memorised, or used to have.
Put out the light and then put out the light. Should I repent me ... I can again thy former light relume. But should I ... I know not where ... thy Promethean heat...
I'm a bit sketchy on that one, it's been a while since I read it. A very beautiful passage though.
- Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?
- I have my lord.
- ...for I would not kill thine unprepared soul.
- Speak you of killing my lord?
- Aye, Desdemona.
- Well might I say so, Lord, I hope you will not kill me...
heh heh. So naive.
22:57
The Friday Five
1. Hey, baby, what's your sign? Do you think it fits you pretty well? I'm a Virgo. It is quite fitting. I'm very neat and organised. Some of it is slightly off, but on the whole you could guess I'm Virgo.
2. What's the worst birthday gift you've ever received? I wish I was Morag whose parents gave her a suitcase for her 15th. (16th?) My aunt Susan is extremely bad at picking gifts. Neither me or my brother expect anything of use from her. It's kind of a family joke, what will we get this year? I suppose the most boring present I ever got was a set of Pyrex dishes from my parents for my 17th. But I had asked for them, as I was moving out.
3. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received? My uncle Nigel and his wife Chris give good gifts. One year I got some crystally earrings, however I still had my ears unpierced. One year they gave me some hair tongs, but my mother's a hairdresser. So they're good gifts, just useless. From my parents I usually pick my presents. £100 of books, pretty invariably. I suppose if I had to pick a best gift, Tamsin bought me a wonderful t-shirt when I turned 18? 19? It's tie-dyed red and purple and has Celtic knotwork on it in gold. I love it. It's very, very me. However I think the person most suited to answer this question with regards to themselves might be Rory...
4. What's the best way you've celebrated your birthday thus far? When I turned 17, Simon and I went on holiday to the Lake District for a weekend on our own. That was really nice and peaceful, though boring at times. We played strip rummy in the hotel room when it was raining. The weekend before that, we went to see Belle and Sebastian in concert which was also great.
5. What are your plans for this weekend? My mum said she'd buy me a wardrobe, so I have to go see my parents in the hope of realising her promise. Other than that, there's nothing planned. Which is nice. Sit and work on my new site layout, I think. And read.
11:12
First of all then, today I'm featured on the front cover of Brain Appeal! Click here to see a screen shot.
I found a lovely tattoo at Deviant Art that I'm considering getting at some point. You can see it here if you'd like. I'd prefer it coloured in, and I'm not quitr sure where abouts I'd like to have it done, but it's something to think about.
I'm probably going to be moving from using Blogger to Greymatter to my blogging tool of choice. Greymatter seems superior as it has inbuilt comments, works on your own server and has many other useful and customisable options. I think I'll recombine this diary and my weblog into one (though obviously the archives will have to remain separate). My biggest quandry is where to place it. As it will be part weblog it doesn't really fit into the red personal section, and as it's part journal it doesn't align with the orange internet folder. The yellow literature part could also be considered as its my personal writings. But none of these seem right. I want to maintain the folder names, I like the fact they're sorted by colour and not the traditional method. It doesn't seem right creating a new section just for the blog though. I considered moving the found items section to miscellaneous but where would that leave the links? Placing them with the site information isn't appropriate and there doesn't seem to be anywhere else that they'd fit in. So I need to maintain an internet section, then. If you have any ideas for a solution, please leave a comment.
I also want a new layout. I produced one two nights ago which was white with dark red writing and stars which I liked, but Simon's and Rory's reactions to it weren't very positive. Back to the drawing boards.
Something new here: Thought Provoking Thursday. A bit like The Friday Five, only on Thursday. Off we go then.
1) If you could meet any famous person (preferably alive), who would it be and why? Kate Aidie would be cool. I admired her so much when I was a kid. She was my role model.
2) Have you ever actually met anyone famous? Yes. Patrick from Strangelove, Terry Pratchett, Terrorvision, I talked to Mark Cullen from Bawl on the phone though not in person, I said hello to Ooberman briefly after a gig once, and Robert Dane, who isn't famous yet but will be. Well, he's already been on The Weakest Link, if that counts.
3) If you could be animal, what would it be and why? I think the answer to this one is obvious: HODGEHEG! Hodgehegs spend upto 20 hours a day asleep, that's when they're not hibernating, which they do for six or seven months a year. Basically all they do is eat, sleep and shag. What a perfect life.
4) If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? James Bond seems to have the superpower of making all women find him irresistable. I'll have that please =)
What else is there to say? I think I'm getting flu. I have the symptoms. I'm not happy about it and I drank a litre of orange juice yesterday, but it doesn't seem to have done much good. I went to the confidence building group and we worked on assertiveness and I was reassured that not everyone hates me but I'm still suspicious. Simon made me food last night as he took pity on my almost-illness. It was just pasta and sauce but it was nice. I prefer food that other people make. I don't know if it's a subconscious thing or not but there it is. I've asked Morag if she'll go see À Ma Soeur! with me next week but she hasn't replied yet. The weather is appalling - windy, rainy, grotty. I didn't go to sign language on Tuesday as I was sick of waiting for the bus to turn up whilst I got drenched and I couldn't see as my eyes were watering too badly from all the wind. I went and bought crisps then cuddled up to be warm. A much better option.
15:29
Yesterday I took it upon myself to go searching for a second hand copy of The Second Sex. No where had it. A fortnight ago you couldn't move for copies, and now it's a barren desert. However if anyone needs a copy of The Women's Room, just let me know.
My searching revealed that the Free Words books placed in Borders and Waterstones had been found, but the one in Kirkstall was still in its place. I didn't get chance to check the library or the Corn Exchange. I also uncovered some books that I, probably against my better judgement, decided to buy. Possession (A.S. Byatt), The Buddha of Suburbia (Hanif Kureishi), Are You Experienced? (William Sutcliffe), Life Is Elsewhere (Milan Kundera) and Walden (Henry David Thoreau). So I got five books for the price of one. Mmm, I like second hand book shops.
In the evening I went to the Human Relations course. I was scared and nervous, I didn't know what people's reaction to me would be. All went fine though. I learnt a lot and had a laugh, made others laugh, and I'm glad I went. We learnt about the Drama Triangle which is a way of looking at certain interactions between people. There are three roles that can be played - victim, rescuer and persecutor, and none of these are empowering and leave the people involved frustrated and drained. The people involved change roles frequently, possibly even within the same sentence. Every human being has been in one such triangle, and it helps everyone to learn about it and how to identify them so that they can be avoided and our interactions can improve. Read more about it here.
Sign language class tonight. The second one since December. Scary.
15:58
*sigh*. This might be a long night...
02:02
Via Indie Rocket:
about 10 years ago...
1. I had my first crush on a boy at school called Kier
2. I thought Take That were goregous and made great music
3. I still thought being an author was a viable career option
4. most of my clothes came from Marks and Spencer
about 5 years ago...
1. I had just moved house to where my parents' still live - The Gables, Baildon
2. I played The Holy Bible every day
3. I read the whole of The Bell Jar in one evening
4. my raging hormones were causing me to fancy half the school
about 2 years ago...
1. Simon and I split up
2. I wanted to be a television producer, career-wise
3. my raging hormones were causing me to fancy half the college
4. I discovered the wonder of tie-dyed clothing
about 1 year ago...
1. my cat Aislin disappeared
2. I quit my job because I was too depressed to work
3. I spent most of my days playing Minesweeper and Freecell
4. I was still a member of BSN
today i...
1. found the website of a person who shares an amazing amount of interests with me
2. saw two stuffed hodgehegs and a stuffed echidna
3. drank rather far too much Diet Coke
4. became annoyed at an article in my parents' tv guide that called Aleister Crowley the "wickedest man in the world" and thus disregarded everything that Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Mao, Pol Pot et al had contributed to the world.
23:46
I have chocolate ginger nut biscuits. They are gorgeous. I am happy =).
Things have come through the mail, which makes me even happier. Bags, knickers, postcards... Damn it, I love Postcard X and Nervousness.
Bands I have recently discovered are fantastic: White Stripes, Sympathy 7. Rory's trying to make me listen to more music, you see.
I have decided there is a cat-shaped hole in my life. Simon has agreed to look out for spare kittys for me. Yey.
18:17
1. What was the first thing you ever cooked? I couldn't remember. I was forced to take cooking classes at school though, so probably whatever we made first there. I hated the classes as the teacher consistently picked on, belittled and bullied me. Plus I couldn't cook to save my life.
2. What's your signature dish? I guess it would be what I live on - pasta with sauce from a jar. I'm not good at cooking.
3. Ever had a cooking disaster? (tasted like crap, didn't work, etc.) Describe. I think taking cookery lessons at all was a disaster.
4. If skill and money were no object, what would make for your dream meal? Roasted vegetables are good, as are pasta bakes. Interesting food isn't something I have a large amount of knowledge of so I don't feel equiped to answer this properly.
5. What are you doing this weekend? Simon said that if I swept my floors he would mop them for me. I've agreed to go see my parents again on Sunday. Apart from that, just surfing, reading and talking to Rory.
13:43
Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.
Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.
I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or kissogram.
I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.
Take it.
Its platinum hoops shrink to a wedding ring,
if you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.
Carol Ann Duffy
More words of reassurance.
13:47
1. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else? I don't really do romantacism. I'm affectionate but not romantic. I will randomly send love letters or gifts though.
2. What are your erogenous zones? Neck; toes; ears; labia. And lots of other places, once I'm turned on.
3. How old were you the first time you had sex? Care to expound? Well, I'm not sure if it counts as proper sex but I went down on my girlfriend and vice versa when I was 15. I lost my virginity "proper" when I was 16 to Simon. It was on a sofa bed in Gareth's kitchen.
4. What's the most unusual place you've ever had sex? Take your pick from a tent in her parents' back garden, his friend's kitchen, a toilet at a resource centre for single mothers or Bolton.
5. Do you have plans for Valentine's Day or is it just another Thursday? Valentine's Day is an evil, corporate money-grabbing invention which seeks to ostracise and ridicule those without a partner or money to buy gifts. I'd rather have it abolished, thank you very much.
Rory and I are going to the cinema to see Women Talking Dirty tonight with my parents. It was either that or From Hell. Again, Rory and I aren't getting along. We're both too stubborn I think. We went and distribued the Free Words books though. They're at The Bookshop in Kirkstall, Borders, Waterstones and Travelling Man in Leeds City Centre, and Leeds Central Library. It wasn't until it was too late that I remembered I wanted to place one in Ann Summers. Nevermind. We also went to Top Shop and they have a goregous purple layered hippy skirt that I desperately want but can't afford. Also popped into Beano to get more toothpaste and ended up getting a Thai style vegetable wrap. Was very, very nice and has made me incredbly hungry. Why is it that all the prepared food that Beano sell is so damn goregous? It's infuriating because I want to eat it all!
I also slipped up when we went to The Bookshop. They had so many books I wanted. I ended up buying:
Relevations of Divine Love - Julian of Norwich (Buy from Amazon: [UK] [USA] )
Sexing The Cherry - Jeanette Winterson ( [UK] [USA] )
Laughable Loves - Milan Kundera ( [UK] [USA] )
Selected Poems - Carol Ann Duffy ( [UK] [USA] )
The Age of Reason ( [UK] [USA] ) and Nausea ( [UK] [USA] )- Jean Paul Satre
The Lover - Marguerite Duras ( [UK] [USA] )
It all cost me £9.50 which is a very good deal indeed. And it should considerably reduce the length of my Amazon wishlist.
16:01
I didn't go to the confidence building course today either. Don't want to face them all. Anyway, I was having my dream ;-), Rory's coming later! Two sets of hugs in two days! Tomorrow we're planning on going into town to distribute my Free Words books. We might also go to Strangeways. The weekend isn't fully planned yet.
12:33
Had a strange dream last night. I remember it was supposed to be a book, only my head was acting it out. The book was written by Anthony Burgess. It was very strange. I shan't relate it as I can never find the words and I get embarassed anyway.
When I woke up the sun was shining for the first time in *months*. Not hiding behind a cloud, but proper sunshine. This contributed to the good mood generated by having an interesting, non-violent dream. The mood lasted about 10 minutes, until I had to choose what to wear. Reading my email made me more depressed. Spam. I never used to get spam on my POP3 accounts. Any where that needs an email address and looks like it would have a privacy policy that declares your address will sold to all and sundry I use my Hotmail address. Suddenly, this past fortnight or so I've started getting spam in Korean, stuff about printer cartridges and hits and all sorts. I do not want spam mixed in with my personal mail, that's what Hotmail is there for. So I forwarded it all to Rory for him to complain on my behalf.
Bad things happened at the support group. We were rewriting the ground rules and I suggested including a request for punctuality. The looks people gave me, the things they said. I left. Well, I started crying, sat on the stairs and cried, someone came out to see if I was OK and then went to get my coat for me and I left. I can't face them again. They hate me. I wish I'd never said it. Such a stupid thing for everyone to get worked up over. Want to disappear.
Rory says US Sarah has invited me and him on a US roadtrip for a few weeks in the autumn. I doubt it will happen, but we looked at flights anyway. The cheapest are around £270. It would be nice to go, despite my hatred of Americans.
Got a lovely postcard today from Postcard X from Grace in Atlanta. It has an Edna St Vincent Millay poem on the front. It made me feel a tiny bit better. Grace has lovely handwriting, too.
19:31
Elsewhere, today I sold my soul to Amazon and signed up for their associates program.
02:01
God I've forgotton what I wanted to say.
Oh yes, Amazon UK have approved my application to join their associates program, so get your arse over to my book reviews and buy some books to make me some money! Heh heh heh.
14:14
Simon was supposed to come to see me this morning. He didn't turn up. I was worried but didn't say anything when dad came to pick me up because I kinda want my life to be separate from what he sees. We were just leaving when he turned up, poor love. He'd waited an hour for a bus, typical 41, and when one did turn up, it sat on the Broadleas for half an hour waiting for another driver. I gave him a hug and dad agreed to drive him home. I felt bad for him, I don't like it when things like that happen. I was invited in to see his flat. The layout is the same as Jane's. The rooms are quite big, and although he still needs to get rid of a lot of junk cluttering it all up, when it's finished it should be very nice. I got to meet the cat, who mewed at me, and I stroked him. I miss having a cat. One day I'll have another again. Then I had to dash off as dad was waiting in the car. Needless to say, she wasn't there, but evidence of her was. Two toothbrushes in the bathroom, "feminine hygiene products", a purple velvet scarf... It made me nervous when I was there and I think that now my brain has seen where they live, it has more ammo. It can torture me with images of them screwing in that bed, knowing that it *has* happened. But I shouldn't be thinking about these things.
The page for my webring is coming along. The hardest part will be the graphics. I hate making graphics. They seem so pathetic compared to other people's. But then they use Photoshop and I'm stuck with Paint Shop Pro 4. And I'm not really what you could call good at art. Oh well. Am trying to make Rory make them for me.
The film last night, Gosford Park, was good. It pulled a large crowd. There must have been about 5 seats left in the theatre. When the opening shots started, I realised it was a Robert Altman entity. Despite the brilliance of MASH and Dr. T & the Women, I'll never, ever forgive him for the abomination that was The Player. I hold grudges a long time. Anyway, to get back to last night, it was funny, full of sub-plots, with Richard E Grant, who I think is wonderful, and the beautiful Kelly Macdonald. It was a very enjoyable evening, until the film finished and I had to start being pleasant to my parents again. Grrrr. Want to move to some far away place where I don't have to converse with them. If only... (Excuse the teenage angst diversion.)
Most importantly though, last night I wore trousers outside the house for the first time in months and months. I've been feeling thinner, and I'm weighing around 8st, maybe a pound or two less. This is wonderful news. But I must go now, some trousers need to be taken up and my mum's going out soon...
17:07
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Very High |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Moderate |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Very High |
| Dependent: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
I'll have to look up what I've got previously.
What's happening in my life? Hmm. Some theatre tickets booked. A cgi script isn't working so the picture on the splash page isn't loading. My dad still hasn't found a job. Saw the psychiatrist, who's leaving to go elsewhere. He says eventually he wants to reduce my medication level. Fat chance, butt-munch. Rory's coming to see me on Thursday. I had Opal Fruits for the first time in years. Been depressed, stressed and anxious. But sometimes OK. Went to the meditation group. Fabulous things didn't happen but I wasn't expecting them to. Comes with time. In the confidence building group, we looked at things we like and dislike about ourselves, and ways of seeing what don't like in a good light. eg. I worry too much can be seen as I think and care about things / people.
17:18
I'm not celebrating Imbolc in any formal sense this year. I still don't feel ready to commit myself back to the Craft. I don't feel as if I was ever accepted, in any case. Start all over again is my plan, take my time, do it properly this time round. I have good intentions which is a starting point, now I need to develop that. That's the difficult part. I'm so good at putting things off. Not enough dedication. Once I get started, I'm fine, but I need that kick to get me in motion, and usually nothing can provide that kick. It just works out that sometimes I think it would be a good idea to do whatever it is that needs doing and off I go. *sigh*. I'm so frustrating. Right now I'm tired though so I'm gonna log off and go to bed.
23:27
You are sensitive and caring, and you don't take insults well. You don't smile much, but when you do, you really mean it.
People like to be around you because you are a calming influence. You have an appreciation for all things beautiful, and you probably have some potted plants. You also most likely own a cat.
You like Sundays and hot tea. You will spend your entire life yearning for quiet beauty, which is a rarity in this world, so you read a lot.
Everyone you know thinks you're "nice."
Take the "Which Led Zeppelin Song Are You?" Quiz
Admittedly, I know know nothing about Led Zeppelin, absolutely nothing. But that description sounds bang on for me. Shall have to download it and hear it.
02:08
