You could go either way. You have sinned quite a bit but you still have a bit of room for error. Your life is a tug of war between good and evil.
16:28
Jish asked me to say HI! to my webloggers webring neighbours.
» to the left of me: Imelda.
» to the right of me: Andrew.
Got weighed on Sunday. Did I say? 8st. Very happy. And I fit back into my cords. Now to get the guts to wear them.
Last night's sign language was cancelled as he had flu. Apparantly the week before last only 3 people turned up, but a few more the week after. There was nine yesterday. He's not very popular. He goes too fast, treats us as if we're stupid when we don't understand, and is reteaching everything Amanda did, even though he's only going to be teaching us a short while. A waste of time, I call it.
Today I was looking at CDs and they had the new Mercury Rev album for £9. I was very tempted. Unfortunately my willpower failed me in the healthfood shop and I bought a spicy bean pate sandwich and a yellow mush pasty. Both were lovely, but expensive. The meditation group was alright. Went very quickly. Simon came this evening but the only significant thing he had to say was he hit his finger with a hammer yesterday and its now a deep shade of blue.
Tomorrow is the confidence building group, Friday I have a psychiatrist's appointment, Monday I have to go to the dentist, Wednesday I go to the psychologist and on Thursday Rory comes to see me! I'm just a little bit busy atm.
18:45
Friday I stayed in all day, I believe. I don't recall doing too much. Saturday Simon came round. We had hug and talked a little. In the evening I went to see Rita, Sue and Bob Too and the Playhouse. The play was very good. Got in a bit of an arguement with dad because he was too busy watching mum fall asleep to concentrate on the play. I hate it when he does that. I was feeling terrible when I got back to their house and cried on the phone to Rory for a long time, about two hours. Then I finished The House of the Spirits and went to sleep at about half past three. Sunday morning I was wakened with my parents arguing again and fell back asleep until I was forced out of bed at around half one. We all went for a drive to Moortown to try and find a shop mum had heard of from a friend. Needless to say, it was a very trying time and I wanted to kill everyone in the car. My dad took me home shortly after the excursion and he reformatted my hard disk for me. Everything was going fine until the computer refused to load anything from a CD. Dad took the computer home with him. It was torture. No computer. I ended up reading. I did The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook where I learnt lots of possibly useful things. After that I turned to Le Testament Francaise. The first 6 or so chapters were shite but it's picking up a bit now, about a third of the way through.
Today dad came round with my computer early, about 9am. I wasn't expecting him until the evening so I hadn't tidied away things I didn't want him to see: drugs, prescriptions etc. When I woke again he'd gone and the sound wasn't working, but at least the computer did. I spent the majority of the day downloading and reinstalling programs. Still to go: sound card drivers; graphics card drivers; possibly the printer; CD writer drivers; Mahjong; and, most importantly, Civ 2.
This evening I went to the Human Relations course. The first part involved us thinking about why we want to help other people and ways of protecting ourselves when we do that, and why we should protect ourselves. I found it very stressful as I couldn't always think of answers, unlike other people, which brought back my feelings of inadequacy and my lack of self esteem. At the end though, we talked in pairs for ten minutes about what we did at the weekend. I prefered this as I got to rant about my family. The woman I was talking to said she could empathise completely so it was nice to know my rantings were useful.
Finally, I came home, listened to Rory's day, which is turning more like a soap opera every minute, and then came here to relate this. I'm tired and my body wants more crisps (it had some earlier) but I shall be strong. Night night.
23:11
4 Isabel Allende novels
Modern Magick by Donald Michael Kraig
Everyone's Friend Percy by Nick Butterworth
Atonement by Ian McEwan (but then they recommend that to everyone)
the Satanic Bible by Anton S. Lavey (!!!)
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
3 Thomas Pynchon novels
Percy's Friend the Owl by Nick Butterworth
The Key of Solomon the King : Clavicula Salomonis
If that isn't eclectic, I don't know what is.
My wish list is up to 284 items. For God's sake, someone buy me something, please!
Yesterday I wasn't feeling up to going to the meditation group so instead I stayed in bed and was warm. I got reading Why Wiccans Suck and followed links from there and read that, and followed links from there, and so on. I spent all day just reading Crafty things on the internet. It was good. I got some ideas about how to get my arse into gear and actually start practising, which is long overdue. I also managed to persuade myself to complete most of the photo gallery for haimi. The thumbnails aren't done yet though. Simon came round and helped me clean the gerbils. He also put up the hippy drape in my living room, washed my dirty glasses, took the rubbish out and gave me a hug. He has his useful points. I also had a good conversation with Rory which was enjoyable. Overall I felt alright over the day. It makes a very nice change.
I crawled out of bed at 10 to 10 this morning, feeling tired. Urgh. Why do these groups have to be so early? I don't think they should be until 3pm, at least. Still, I managed to make myself wash and dress and get on the bus, although I was extremely nervous due to what happened on Tuesday. I managed to talk with Pauline first about it and she said that it didn't change her thoughts towards me and I shouldn't worry over it too much. It was a big relief. So worried she'd hate me.
In the course, we made more lists, naturally. This time it was physical and emotional symtoms of stress, and what kind of things make us stressed. Needless to say, I could have sat there all day and listed stressful things. After that we did a short relaxation exercise. I was so grateful for that! If you consider also that last night I persuaded myself to try and practise the Craft again, it couldn't have been better timed. She says she wants to try and get us doing some guided meditations. Argh! I need this so badly!
After the group, I had an hour until my shiatsu appointment. I looked round Miss Selfridge who have some wonderful peasent girl clothes, and Scope, where I ended up buying three second hand books. *buries head in hands and shakes head*. I need to stop going in that shop. They keep having books I want. I bought Brideshead Revisted; White Oleander and The Woman's Room, for the grand total of £3.05. God, I love charity shops. Shiatsu then. My first session. I wasn't too nervous. And I laid there and let her push and prod me and at the end I felt relaxed and happy. I'm going back in a month.
Then I had to go to the doctors. It's been a busy day. The bus didn't drop me where I thought it would so I had to wander through a shitty housing estate I've never been on before trying to find my way. Eventually I made it, only to have to wait more than half an hour to go in, once I'd arrived at the surgery. Actually seeing the doctor wasn't too traumatic though it seemed she wasn't listening to what I was saying as she kept asking me things I'd already answered. Aftwards I couldn't face walking all the way home so I was lazy and caught the bus, which took ages to come and the wind was freezing.
= (
And now I plan on eating something nice, being warm and not stressing.
18:32
Rory said that he met with two business associates yesterday and they asked after me! Argh! People who Rory doesn't know are asking after me! This is freaky. Apparantly his "shagging trips" are well known. Argh! I can't ever go to Ireland now. I've got too much of a reputation, despite the fact it's (mostly) unfounded.
I'm hoping that haimi will be ready for opening by Imbolc. It could be ready by tomorrow if I got down to it but all the horrible jobs are left to do - 3 photo galleries in two formats each; a self description; attempts to get the blog properly working. I also have to consider if I want a splash page or not and if I do, I have to create one, if I don't I need to rework the current front page. God, I'm a lazy bitch. It could have been finished aaaaaaaages ago, if I could have been bothered.
Reading The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende currently. I think it's wonderful. Her books are what I need if I want an intelligent read but a pure novel. Something that keeps my brain interested but doesn't over-tax it. Which is what I need sometimes.
00:20
Listening to Fevers and Mirrors. It's so perfect for today. The depression, the sense of powerlessness, the futility of attempting anyway, the loneliness. The day started off bad when I noticed how dirty my bathroom was and didn't have the time to clean it. Then I noticed how dirty the rest of the house was. I didn't get any post to cheer me up and Rory wasn't on ICQ to try and make me feel any better. After that I wasn't getting any worse until the support group. It was going alright for the first half but at break I was talking to someone about a subject which I know a fair amount about and which the other person didn't. It's very easy for me to get frustrated at such times, which happened, and I guess I took a tone of condescention, I can't remember too clearly. After the break the person told the group about our conversation and it had left them really hurt and down, which is not something I wanted at all. The worst thing I could ever do is hurt someone. Because of this I became very depressed and upset and went home and spent a long time crying. I rang Rory for help but he was in a meeting, so I rang Simon. He was of very little help. It's amazing that he used to help me so much when nowadays he never says the right thing. He kept saying that it wasn't the end of the world, but after knowing me for more than four years, he should realise that it is the end of the world to me. Luckily Rory came out of the meeting and was able to help me out a little. I didn't feel able to go to the sign language class tonight however and as this is the second consecutive week I've missed, I don't know if I'll ever be able to return. I'm not very confident I'll be able to go anywhere near SHIP either. I couldn't go back and face them all now that they know what I've done, what I'm capable of doing. They all hate me anyway. So clear they only tolerate me out of politeness. I don't want to hurt everyone else too.
On a different note, I bought some more CD-Rs and have burned most of my mp3s now. Should be able to reformat some time this week, with luck. I created a few covers for some of them too, however I got bored after about 3 of them.
Simon coming tomorrow. He's promised to help me clean the gerbils and said he would clean my glasses (I'm terrible at washing glasses) and put up the hippy drape in the living room for me, which I can't do as I'm too small and am scared of the stepladders. I want to ask him to clean my cooker and sink, and to mop the kitchen and bathroom for me, but I think that might be pushing it a little too far. I didn't choose to be incompetant, it just worked out this way.
22:04
Simon came this morning. He's moved his Wednesday role playing to Tuesday so that he can come see me during the week. Which was nice of him.
And I don't really have much else to say.
19:30
Yesterday's psychologist's appointment was alright. Not too stressful. It was stressful getting there but once inside I was alright. We talked about the long term future, hopes ambitions. That kind of thing. Going back in three weeks. Don't recall doing much else of use yesterday. Slept a while, read a bit. Haven't been feeling hungry lately which is welcome news. Let's see how long it lasts.
Today featured the confidence building course. It was alright. Not too scary. Bought the tickets for Morag's and my trip to The Vagina Monologues at the end of next month. Slept some more; read some more. Currently 250 pages into The Blind Assassin. Dad came by to pick up the sewing machine, saying mum wanted to use it to hem some towels. Sounds very suspicous to me. Who hems towels? If my mum wanted to, where would she find time to? And why not use nan's electric foot pedal sewing machine? Hmm. Something fishy is going on. And he doesn't have the booklet telling you how to thread the machine. Not going to get very far, are they?
00:10
My pi necklace arrived yesterday, which made me happy. It was made by Epha from Nervousness. Each colour of bead is allocated a number and then the beads are threaded according to the arrangement of numbers in pi. So if red was 3 and green was one, for example, red would be threaded first, followed by a bead to represent a decimal point, then a green (as pi = 3.1 etc etc), and so on until the thread has been used up.
I've been reading Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis recently, and I finished it last night. It started out in a manner very typical of his previous work: a rich, white male as lead character. Person is mentally unstable, sleeping around, taking drugs and so on. But it develops. It finds a plot structure, which is previously unheard of. Something actually happens! And what does happen is completely unforeseen. I loved the book. The prose style captured you. Song lyrics where hidden amongst dialogue. Bands were referenced who I presumed no one outside of Britain could ever have heard of: Menswear, Sleeper, Luscious Jackson, Kenickie. However I have difficulty reading between the lines in literature. I need to talk to someone who's read it and understands it. Why is it constantly cold? When Jaime Fields dies, she says she isn't Jaime Fields. Why? Who is she? Why is she wrapped in plastic? She says Lauren Hynde died after university. Who's taken her place then? Why? How did Lauren have the hat with the explosives in it? Or were they inserted at a later date, whilst Victor was at the club opening? Who were the couple on the boat if they weren't who they claimed to be? Why is Victor convinced that film crews are following him around? And when he says that he talks to the director and other film crew members, who is he really talking to? Why can he smell shit all the time? Why was Chloe brought in again at then end? What did her death represent? Why do the chapter numbers in all but the last section run backwards? Who was telling the truth? Who wasn't? Why? And why's there so much confetti everywhere? Argh! I need to know!
At the support group today I talked a while about some of the things going on that's getting to me. It was OK. Very nerve racking. But I did it. And other people said they could empathise, especially with the lonliness and needing a hug part. And they said that they liked me, thought I was a nice and good person. And intelligent. And some of them gave me hugs. It made me smile. Pauline invited me along to the Confidence Building group that runs on a Thursday. It started last week but she said it would be fine if I came. I said I would, providing I could persuade myself to get out of bed as it starts at 11am. Urgh! And I was given a letter about the Human Relations course. It will start at the end of the month on Monday evenings between 6:30 and 9pm. I'm going to be a busy bunny. Monday - Human Relations. Tuesday - Support Group; Sign Language. Wednesday - Meditation group. Thursday - Confidence Building. I'm dropping Creative Expression for the moment so at least Friday is free. It does mean though that Simon will have to come round on Tuesdays and I'll only get to see him for 45 minutes. I doubt I could persuade him to come round on Wednesdays instead but I can always try. I don't know what he does on Wednesdays.
haimi.net is coming along. I only have a few things left to program. However they're quite gruesome things which is why I still have them to do. I have a wonderful skill of managing to put things off. But yeah, I need to do the photo galleries, the favourite literature sections and the "About Me" bit. This blog is going to be moving over and becoming a diary. A separate weblog has been set up for purely links to fantastic things I've found. It's not a very well designed template though, it has four tables on the page, two of which are inside a third. *sigh*. But it's so difficult trying to persuade myself how to properly use style sheets. A crap excuse, I know, but it is the reason.
I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to it. But I'm usually only in there for half an hour so I guess it won't be that bad.
21:09
It's a horrible day here. Foggy, rainy, grotty and probably very, very cold. I have to go out in it soon, to the doctors. I am not looking forward to it.
My new site is coming along nicely. Another week or two and it should be decent enough to be displayed to the world. Am quite excited about it. It's my favourite layout to date. Heh heh, I just got the search report back. There's 176 pages so far! And a lot more to come yet.
I didn't get to sleep until after 5 this morning I believe. My sleep is just getting stupid nowadays. Might mention it to the doctor later. So much to mention. How to fit it all in?
Well that's my news for now. Over and out.
14:11
The doctors' was very shocking. I swear I wasn't in there for more than a minute. This was a doctor I hadn't seen before so I didn't know what to expect. She was middle aged, looked drunk, sounded drunk, looked as if she hadn't combed her hair in a month, had dirty, grubby socks on and was wearing a giant tartan cardigan. I explained I needed a sick note, she asked if I was on medication. I said yes. A little chatter about therapy and I was out of there. Hmm. Not what I was expecting at all.
Got home just in time to be cornered by a salesperson for Yorkshire Electricty. He told me that my currently energy supplier and all the others were stopping supplying in my postal district and Y-Elec would be the only supplier left. I don't like arguing with salespeople, the intimidate me. He asked to see my meters so I let him into the cellar. I should have locked him in. I ended up signing a contract to change suppliers and to receive some box thing that gives me cheaper phone calls, apparantly. The minute he went, I rang my dad and told him it'd happened again. This is how we changed suppliers last time. I said what the sales person had told me and gave dad some contact numbers to ring. He rang and complained that the salesperson was using fraudulent techniques and lodged a formal complaint and cancelled the contracts. He always sorts these things out.
16:58
More brief updates then. I'm losing money at an incredible rate. To counter-act this, I've removed myself from all my LMAOs and deleted most of the exchanges I had set up. I'm going to cut down on food I buy whilst out of the house and stop randomly buying unneeded things like books, knickers, sweets, CDs and so on. I won't be buying treats like ice cream and fruit smoothies and pasties. I certainly won't buy impromtu gifts for friends. I may not go to the confidence building course that SHIP are running. We'll see how much that improves things. I'm due a benefit rise soon, but there's a chance they may cancel my housing or council tax benefit which would far outweigh the bonus.
On Sunday, Rory and I went to the cinema. We saw Me Without You, Battle Royale and 101 Reykjavik. All were very good.
The sign language class restarted tonight. The new teacher essentially told us that everything we learned was a pile of crap and we had to relearn everything. We were not impressed. Just 'cos there's different dialects.
00:10
He's also been hogging the computer these past couple of days which is why there's been no posting from me. Whenever I can't get to Blogger I can always think of loads of things I want to say but I'm actually here, it all escapes me.
Going for a meal tonight with my parents, Robert and Rory. We're going to La Rue, a French restaurant in Saltaire. Dad's been having conversations with the chef all week trying to find something I can eat. At one point he insinuated to me that I should give up veganism so that he can take me for meals. Selfish bastard. I can see lots of arguements unfolding tonight, but Rory says if it does, he'll change the subject and calm me down.
I went to my psychiatric appointment on Thursday. The bloke I saw asked me questions for an hour then went to talk to his boss. He came back saying I have less depressive symptoms but this may be due to the fact I'm being treated for it, the problems are my anxiety and body image. As regarding drugs, he was heading towards not making any changes. If he said that I would have hit him. I think he picked up on this and decided to double my dose. Sensible man. After leaving, Rory received a phone call from work. He's written a newspaper article on the internet you see and the paper wanted a photo of him to go with the article. There are no decent photos of him online so we were going to have to take a new one. He'd brought his digital camera with him which is good, only he hadn't brought the lead that connects it to the computer, and to buy a new one would cost £40, a bit of a waste for one photo, methinks. So we decided the only sensible option was to go over to my parents house and use their computer. It took a long time, involving three buses just to get there. But the photo was taken and the newspaper people were placated. We went shopping in Bradford whilst we were there. I got a green/gold top for £10 in the River Island sale, and some grey trousers from CBGB's. And some nice food from Holland and Barrett. Yum. Then I made the mistake of persuading Rory to go to Waterstones. I bought The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende and The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook which I'm going to read then give to Simon as a birthday present. That evening when we got home, I fell asleep for three hours as I'd been dragged out of bed four hours early for my appointment.
Yesterday we actually managed to make it into Leeds, unlike Thursday as we had planned. This time we went shopping for Rory who got new boxers, socks and shoes. I got some vanilla flavour soya milk. Mmmm. We also had to go to the postal depot to pick up the Amazon books that they'd tried to deliever whilst we were in Bradford. And I bought two books at a charity shop so lots of new books for me to stroke. I also fell asleep yesterday afternoon in an attempt to catch up on sleep. I swear I'll go into hibernation soon.
I'm having fun planning out my new site. But to tell you what I'm planning would spoil the suprise. You'll just have to keep guessing.
13:46
The Guardian's Seven Wonders of the Web.
16:47
