I can't believe January is already almost complete. Where has the month gone? I hope the rest of the year won't move so quickly or I won't have time to get anything done. At least I won't if the past few days set the precedence for the remaining 11 months. For some reason I've been very lethargic and down. I didn't go to pottery on Monday, I went home after photography. Everything was depressing me and I wanted to go hide somewhere where it was warm and soft and safe. Yesterday I went to see my psychiatrist. We decided to make no changes to my medication despite the added vivacity my nightmares have had of late. I'm scared that reducing my dosage will mean my mood will also decrease which is the last thing I need right now. After the appointment I went to the graveyard next door to take some photographs. There wasn't too much of interest as it was a fairly modern graveyard - 1870's to modern times it seemed. I saw some squirrels though which made me smile.

I have a trip to my psychologist in 45 minutes, then I have to spend the day cleaning my house as I never kept up the momentum on Sunday. Simon's coming round this evening though, maybe I can talk him into cleaning my windows, they've never been cleaned. Finally it's the Ladybug Transistor / Of Montreal gig tonight which I would be looking forward to had I been feeling slightly more chirpy. I think it's a good job I can rant at the women's group tomorrow, I need it, especially considering I missed the LGB group yesterday as I had to go to the psychiatrist's. Actually, I think what I need most is a lie-down, a hug and some strokes.
09:59

The first ice cream van of the year pulled up 10 minutes ago. Things must be getting desperate in the ice cream selling business.

The morning was clear and sunny on Wednesday so I got up and went to college to take photographs for the reflections project. I went down to the canal and photographed some of the barges and bridges. It made a nice change to go out for the day, I dislike spending all my days inside. I printed some contact sheets but they didn't turn out very well for some unknown reason. The images themselves seem quite successful though so with luck I'll have enough to work with for the project. I also made an appointment with an estate agents to see a property the next day. The house seemed perfect for me - 5 minutes from David's house, 10 from Simon and Rebecca each, 2 from Jessica, and across the road from the mad ethnic vegetable shop. It was close to the Royal Park pub and down the road from Hyde Park.

Thursday was abnormally busy for me. The women's group was useful and fun. I sat and ate my way through a packet of sweets as I felt bad - my period had turned up and my womb was hurting, and also I'd had a conversation with my mum which left me feeling angry and depressed. I felt much better by the end of the group though. Afterwards I went to Headingley to meet David for lunch. He brought along his friends Murray and Al, who he also works with. We went to the cafe we went to last time I met him for lunch. I had mushroom chili and potato wedges. The food was lovely but it took a long time to arrive so we had to eat quickly to ensure everyone was back at work in time. As the point of the meeting was so I could give the photograph of James I took at the gig in December to David, I did so. They all said they liked the picture and were impressed with it which made me smile. When they had all gone back to work I looked round the Headingley shops and bought a photography book from the Oxfam book shop. The blurb said that most photography books teach you how to shoot pictures, whereas this one taught you what to shoot. It has some very dated images in it as it was printed in the '80s but its message is still the same. I've only read a little of it and already I have many more ideas for my work.

The extra-ordinarily long day continued when I met my dad to go look round the fantastic house. We found it fairly easily but the sign outside said it had already been sold. The estate agents said there had been an offer placed that morning for the asking amount. Regardless we looked round and it confirmed my belief that the house was ideal. Only I can't have it. We drove back to Headingley and spent quite some time talking to different estate agents, looking for further houses. We didn't have too much luck as they're currently selling at a phenomenal rate, staying on the market for a fortnight maximum. We made appointments to see two houses on Friday however. My day rounded off with an open evening at the Art and Design College. I talked my dad into coming with me as Rebecca had been unable to get a babysitter and couldn't accompany me. Dad didn't seem to enthralled with the evening. He seemed positively bored. I learnt many useful things though. The evening was structured so that you could only talk to one set of tutors out of a choice of four which was unfortunate as there were three tutors I wanted to talk to - Student Services (about finance), A-Level tutors and AVCE (Advanced Vocational course in Art and Design). I chose the AVCE as it was the part I was most interested in. It turns out that the course is full time and you have to attend from 9 til 4 five days a week. IT seems to me that this is far too much to ask of me, I'd be left with no SHIP and no support. So as much as the course itself sounds like what I need I don't think I'll be able to do it. I'm going to have go to the next open evening, in March, to talk to the A-Levels tutors about enrolling for A-Levels. I want to do Photography and Textiles. I'm not sure if they'll accept me for textiles as they like you to have experience. I did a little in school and in the summer term at Swarthmore I shall be doing some more. If they won't let me on however I could always choose to study IT, Film or Media instead. I don't want to have to do those subjects though as experience has taught me academic A-levels are not right for me. And I hate writing essays. The AVCE tutor said that if you do two creative A-levels the college likes you to take a third in an academic subject but I won't do three subjects, I know it would be too much for me. So to sort out what is and what isn't possible I'll have to wait until March.

Friday juxtaposed nicely against Thursday as I spent most of the day lounging around at home. The morning was full though as I went to view the two houses we'd arranged to see the day before. Neither of them were suitable. The second needed the whole of the inside pulling out and starting again. It did have potential but it would take a long time to realise it, and in any case it was too close to Burley for my liking. On Saturday morning the estate agents rang me and arranged for someone to come round and value the house for me. They're coming on Thursday afternoon. I have until then to make my house clean and tidy enough to allow a stranger into it. Joy.

I went to Rebecca's in the afternoon. We were planning on going for a walk with her children and a friend but the friend mysteriously disappeared and by the time we'd found her it was too late to go. Instead we went to the park where it was very cold and I took some photographs, a couple of which turned out nicely. Simon came around this morning and helped me clean. He dealt with the kitchen whilst I worked on the bathroom and gerbil cage. Already it looks so much better. I don't relish the thought of spending the rest of the week cleaning, however.

Next week is going to be another busy period. I have all my usual appointments plus the valuer from the estate agents. I have a psychiatric appointment on Tuesday and and a psychological one on Wednesday. Wednesday evening I'm going to see Ladybug Transistor and Of Montreal at the Royal Park with David. And at the weekend there's the first Sabbat of the calendar year, though no doubt I will do nothing to mark it. It's Imbolc, my favourite Sabbat too.
17:40

On Saturday I was very stupid. I have a kind if OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I think, I have to play and twiddle with things, anything. And I was playing with my nose stud. I wanted to rub my nose and not feel the metal there. I thought if I took the stud the stud out it would be easy to get back in again. I was very wrong. I tried and tried to replace it but I just couldn't manage it. I became stressed and upset and my attempts became more violent. My nostril swelled, presumably as I being so rough with it. I managed to get a needle through the hole which reassured me it wasn't healing up and then I placed a sleeper in there (designed for ears) to keep the hole open overnight until Simon could come in the morning and hopefully sort out the terrible mess. In the morning however I removed the sleeper to try again with the stud but with no luck. I tried the needle again and this time it wouldn't go through. In a last ditch attempt I went for the sleeper again but even that wouldn't go through the hole. I was very depressed about it all and i don't quite know why. When Simon rang to say he couldn't come see me as he'd lost his keys and was locked in the house I broke down crying. Why something so small as my nose piercing could affect me so much I'm not quite certain. My guesses include the fact that this was a part of mine and Rory's plan to turn me into the kind of person I like, someone I can live with being, and it was failing. I was trying to be someone good and pretty and it wasn't working, my body was refusing to let it happen. Another possibility is that the way I look and the way I perceive I look affect me very deeply. If I think there's something about me that someone could pick up upon and make fun of I get very sensitive about that specifically and about all of myself in general. The nostril being swollen, whilst not being visable to other people, was very noticeable to myself, as the swelling was on the inside. In fact it was so swollen at times I found it hard to breathe properly. So as I had a physical defect which would make me stand out and single me out for ridicule, especially as it had been caused by my own actions which I knew would be detrimental to the piercing, I got rather upset. This wasn't helped along by trying to talk to Rory. Every time I rang him on Sunday he somehow managed to say something which made me feel even worse. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, he's not a vindictive person, I was just feeling volatile. I rang Simon for comfort but he didn't answer the phone, suspicious as he was apparently locked in the house. I rang David who didn't answer either but I didn't want to bother him so I didn't ring his mobile. After my failed telephone attempts I felt so bad it seemed my only options were to cut myself, which I desperately want to avoid, now that my old scars have faded and I don't feel self conscious wearing short sleeves any more, or eat ice cream. I took what seemed like the sensible option and started on the ice cream.I was half way through the tub when Rory rang me and then he shouted at me for eating it. Which really helped matters. Later in the afternoon I rang Simon again who answered this time. He said he'd had his music on too loudly which was why he hadn't heard the phone ringing. He talked to me for a long time and calmed me down. He said that if the hole closed up he would pay for it to be repierced and he would even come with me to have it done, which I thought to be exceedingly generous of him. He promised to come see me on Monday to provide me with the hugs I desperately needed. Over the course of the rest of the day I realised the chances of getting something back into the hole were minimal and I accepted the hole would have to close. Simon's offer to pay for the repiercing helped me come to terms with this. By the end of the day I was feeling a lot better about my nose though not about my weight as I'd made my way through the whole tub of ice cream.

In my photography class yesterday I developed a film which had some very good prints on which made me feel pleased. There was two of Rebecca's son Sam, a couple of gothic style images around Bramley park, a vase of flowers from Swarthmore and other miscellaneous items. I showed the photographs I took at David's gig to my tutor and he said I should print them off and mount them. It made me feel good as previously I hadn't thought they were very good. I have some arty plans for how to display them which is making me creative and excited. In the afternoon pottery class we started making coil pots and mine turned out reasonably well I thought, considering it was my second time with them. This one I managed to keep circular unlike my first attempt which had started circular and finished square. When Simon came in the evening he gave me lots of hugs though as my day had been quite good I didn't really need them, certainly not as much as I'd done the previous couple of days.

Today I went to the LGB group for the first time in a fortnight. It went quite well. They've fixed a provisional date for the start of the facilitators training course, sometime in March. I'd like to do the course but I'm concerned about what other people might think to me being there. I asked Andy about this and he said he didn't think there would be any ill-feeling towards me. The only bad point is they think the course will be on Friday mornings. Urgh. After the group I went looking for a webcam but Computer Exchange only had them for £20. Other than Ebay, does anyone know where I can get one, preferably for under a tenner?
21:25

Rory's left now. I have the house to myself again, even Cinnamon isn't here this afternoon. He's no doubt investigating what the world looks like without testicles. We did actually make it to the cinema yesterday, surprisingly. First we looked round Bradford which has sunk to new depths, every other shop is a discount shop or pound shop. The wonderful CBGBs was still there though and I bought a nose stud from them, it's a tiny hand and looks very cute. The film was rather crap. Most of it was confusing, and almost verbose, if verbose dealt with images and not words. The film dragged but there were a few redeeming moments of hilarity.

Now that I have my computer back under my sole control I can finally share the links I've been storing up for a week. On the entertaining front there's Interface Escape, a very simple game which is wonderfully addictive. In the news a student committed suicide by taking 386 Pro Plus tablets, Londoners are "more sophisticated" than Northerners and new exercise machines are on sale on which you can play Tetris amongst other games. If ever there was an exercise machine which I might actually use, this is the one.

Some of the articles which caught my eye include this piece from the Guardian trying to rouse people from apathy and get them out on the streets to voice their opinion about the forthcoming war. "A cosmic 'message in a bottle' is to be left in space as a relic of the world's languages" as "Fifty to 90% of the world's languages are predicted to disappear in the next century". This seems like an excellent project. If indeed so many languages are on the verge of extinction we should do all we can to preserve them. However their chosen method isn't quite as good an idea. "A disc engraved with the first three chapters of Genesis in 1,000 native tongues will travel to a distant comet." I think you can guess my problem with this. Why the hell are they using the Bible? Also, should extra-planetary beings discover and manage to decode the disc, what on earth will they think about us from the information we provide them with? If they had any sense they'd quarantine our galaxy and forbid anything to ever enter it again. Finally, here is a piece about paedophilia. This one is vastly different to all other articles in the same vein though. This one is rational, well thought out, unsensational and all those other signs of good journalism. It dares to view paedophiles as people who've just gone a bit awry somewhere down the line. I'd consider it essential reading, no matter where you stand on the matter. And, to use a cliche, if you're only going to read one article about paedophilia, it should be this one.

One last link for the day. Not So Soft is my current favourite website. The design is inspirational (so inspirational I'm going to base my new layout on it), the content is diverse, engaging and plentiful. Well worth a visit.
14:39

Blogging tonight seems like such a chore as it's been so long since my last post and there's so much I want to say. I would have got it said sooner but with Rory being here I haven't been around the computer much. I guess I'd best get on with it, though. The sooner I start, the sooner I finish and all that.

Monday was quite successful in its own way. I was late for college for the first time despite being up an hour later than usual as I spent too much time on the computer before leaving the house. No one seemed to mind luckily. I did however miss the talk about our next photography project but the teacher gave me a rundown when I arrived. We're working with reflections now, something I've already ventured into with my mirror photographs. He wants us to take pictures in all kinds of reflective surfaces which for optimum results means I'll need to use an SLR camera, I'm currently using a compact. In the evening I had a look at my dad's SLR which he's lent to me but I couldn't even see how to open the back to insert some film. At least it means I can't get any worse though!

The afternoon brought the first day of Arts Splash, the new course I'm doing at Swarthmore. I was glad to spot Joan and Eamon, two people from the Arts course I was on previously, were also in the class. I wasn't as pleased to find someone who also goes to SHIP who I really dislike had signed up too. I just tried to ignore her though and not let her bother me. During the actual class we learnt about different clays and the properties of each though making thumb pots and seeing what we could and couldn't make the clay do. It was un-stressful as we didn't have to keep the results so I felt able to play around with the clay and not worry too much about the artistic merit of the finished product. We start to make pots which we will keep next week. Further on in the term we also get to try the potter's wheel which is exciting but somewhat nerve-racking as I don't expect to be very good at it. I don't think I'll be only one who won't be producing sale-able goods on the first attempt though, which is comforting.

Rory arrived early Monday evening and we had a quiet night in, as we usually do on his first night over. However before bed I was looking at the gerbil cage, at Jesus curled up in the corner, laying on her side. This was very unusual behaviour as when gerbils sleep they tend to do so in a kind of squatting position. I'd never seen either Jesus or her sister lay on their side before so understandably I was concerned. I looked closer and noticed I couldn't see her chest moving. I waited and still her chest lay still. I called Rory and he opened the cage, felt her, said she was cold.

She had a very long life. I tried to do well by her, give her everything I thought she would like. In the end however rodents only live for a few years and I knew her time would come soon. I was grateful that she hadn't been ill before dying, as her sister had been. She had been active right up until the day she died, though obviously her energy levels had dropped over time. So now I'm left with a giant rodent cage, half a bag of hay, a bag and a half of rodent food and nothing to do with them. Does any one want them? Seriously, anyone interested, get in touch.

Tuesday was quiet as Rory had to do some work. We made it to the supermarket though, and bought cereal. I also got a new hat to replace my old orangey one. The new one is purple with silver snowflakes. It's ages 3 - 7. I chose not to go to the LGB group in the afternoon, it was too cold and it interfered with shopping.

First thing Wednesday morning I took Cinnamon to the vets. He was scheduled in for his castration operation. He wasn't impressed at not being let outside or fed since the night before, or being made to sit in a box and dragged around in the cold. Or being molested and having his bum poked at once we got there. But hey, I'm the one in charge! Afterwards I had a doctors appointment. I needed more medication and wanted to be referred to a physiotherapist about my numb hand, as the doctor suggested on my last visit. I saw a different doctor today though and he preferred to send me to see a neurologist to find out why my hand was numb. I should receive an appointment sometime in the future. I wasn't planning on it but I also asked if I could be referred to somewhere or someone who dealt with eating disorders. Over the past week my eating has been getting worse again and I haven't been able to control what I eat which has lead to depression. When I'm depressed I tend to have a short fuse and Rory's visiting this quickly leads to arguments. He said he would send my details to the eating disorders clinic. I have no idea what kind of treatment they deal with but anything is worth a shot right now.

Rory and I went shopping in town in the afternoon. First I took him to college to show him some of my photography work and he was rather impressed, which made me feel good. We went to Jumbo as I wanted some tickets for the Ladybug Transistor gig but they don't seem to be issuing tickets. Rory had an accident though and ended up buying £45 of CDs. I was good and didn't buy any. He slipped up again in Borders spending £30, including the purchase of this wonderful book which tells you about everything you need to know, ever. At time of writing he's already finished it but has agreed to leave it here until his next visit so I can also read it and consume its wisdom. Whilst in town we also visited Harvey Nichols to buy some Absinthe and crisps; Top Shop where I bought, you've guessed it, more knickers and the Corn Exchange where we lusted after pretty people and pretty things, including the giant furry lamp. The original one had disappeared but instead there was a pink model. We asked its price and the assistant pointed out that it was burnt slightly on the inside so we could have it for £35, reduced from £50. As wonderful as the lamp is I can't afford £35 so sadly we left the shop without it. Our next stop was Pagan Body Piercing where I gathered the guts to go through with my nose piercing. I've yet to get a photograph of it in focus but when I do one will be provided for your delectation. Our last stop for the day was a lingerie boutique who specialise in larger sizes. It was very scary as I tend to get worked up about underwear (don't ask me to explain, half of it won't be able to and the other half I don't understand either). It didn't help that these items averaged about £50 each so I felt that the sales assistants would be laughing at me for being in such an expensive shop where I blatantly could not afford the merchandise. I managed to remain calm though and in the end Rory bought me two nice bras, somewhat lacy but still acceptable. It didn't cost too much either as they were sales items. Then we made our weary way home.

Simon was meant to be coming over to see us but he rang up to say that the whole area of where he works and lives had had a power cut for a couple of hours in the day and he couldn''t come as he had to cook food that had defrosted too much to be refrozen. One of the more bizarre excuses he's given but I forgave him and sent him back to his roasted chicken. Rory and I spent the time burying Jesus. We were going to place her in the park but it was dark, we were tired, and the wind was especially strong so we compromised and decided to place her on the rough ground next to area I live on. Dad had brought us a spade that morning for us to dig a little grave with but the ground was full of stone so we couldn't dig up anything. In the end we placed her next to a house wall deep in some bushes where we hoped another animal wouldn't find her and left it at that. It was upsetting but there wasn't much else we could do. We left her in a box filled with hay and some food. There was a toilet roll tube too as she loved to chew them up so much. Then we said goodbye. After all that it was time for hello again as I had to collect Cinnamon. It turned out that the voucher that the Cats' Protection League had promised me would be at the vets was not there at all, in fact usually they're sent to the client and not to the vet. So I had to pay the full fee which was £27. I wasn't happy but the vets did say that if the voucher turned up they would be able to credit the amount to my account, though they couldn't give me a refund. Lovely. Cinnamon was fine, somewhat unsteady due to not having fully recovered from the anesthetic, and ravishingly hungry. He wolfed down everything in sight and literally licked the bowl clean through desperation. To his great annoyance I couldn't feed him much as there was a high risk that if I did he would be very sick. I played it safe. Rory and I had been intending to go the cinema to see something that evening but we were both far too tired, understandably I feel, and elected instead to stay in, be warm and do nothing.

So finally I get round to today! I was up early again for Women's Group. In a spare five minutes before we started I went to the Scope shop across the road and managed to find a copy of The Periodic Table for 95p. In the group I had my usual rant about how much I hate myself. It was a quiet day and I wore myself out after ten or fifteen minutes of talking. I couldn't think of anything else to say which wouldn't just be repetition in one form or another. The group was good though, other people said they got a lot from it. The rest of the day has been slow again. We had planned on going to the cinema tonight but like last night we didn't have the energy to brave the weather. Tomorrow we should be going to Bradford to see Monday Morning but going on our success rate this week I wouldn't bet on it.
20:38

14:02

I've had difficulty getting out of bed on time this week. My alarm clock is set for half past seven but I don't actually need to be out of bed for at least another hour, however I've found myself still wrapped up warm come half past nine. So as a result I was running late on Thursday. The buses were on my side for once and I still managed to make it to the women's group on time though. As usual I had a little rant and everyone agreed that I have drastically improved in the past year. I was relating my trip to see my photography tutor on Tuesday in his office in the art department and how jealous I was of the amazing work on display there. I said that I managed to persuade myself that just because I couldn't use paint to such wonderful effects as others didn't mean I wouldn't be able to find some other medium I could successfully express myself with. Someone picked up on that, said that this was a major achievement for me as previously I have tortured myself about not being able to produce such things. She's right, this is a good thing for me, I just hope I can make it last.

After the group Rebecca was planning on picking up her son from nursery then looking round town until it was time to pick up her elder son from school. I didn't have anything else to do so I forced myself to ask her if she would like my company for a couple of hours, she said that would be good, so I stayed with her for the afternoon. The nursery brought back faded memories from my own childhood. Each child had a hook for their coat and bags with a sticker containing a small picture and their name to indicate which hook belonged to whom. I had forgotten all about this, Some of the pictures were very cute, especially the snail and cat. There should be more small pictures in the world. It brightens life up that little bit more.

We went window shopping in Allders who had some lovely things for sale. I was tempted to buy a funky nightshirt in the January sale for £5 but I resisted. There was also some leopard print mops and dishbrushes, and heart shaped mop buckets and flowery washing-up gloves. We knew they wouldn't make us more likely to clean though, no matter how much we tried to convinced ourselves it would. They had some nice fleecy hats with tassles that I wanted as I'm getting sick of the hat I currently have, but again I didn't buy one as my money's low so I couldn't justify it, We then had just enough time left to refresh with some delicious bagels filled with hummus from the Bagel Factory before she had to leave to collect her son. I was glad for the extra company, I get so lonely spending such a large proportion of my time alone.

In the evening I cooked too much pasta for tea. I tried to eat all of it and ended up feeling very fat which lead to me getting rather depressed. This carried over into Friday. I didn't do much during the day, though my dad rang to say he was going to Owlcoates (a small shopping centre near by) so I decided to go with him. Marks and Spencers had some lovely clothes in, which of course I couldn't afford, which just upset me further. I tried several bras on. none of which fit correctly, and again I became more depressed. I want to be able to buy and wear nice things but when I'm so fat and ugly why bother trying? I laugh at people who are blatantly an argument for abortion if ever there was one who try to appear pretty and attractive so why shouldn't other people laugh at me in the same manner? The last thing I want to be is the butt of someone's jokes (again).

Last night I was thinking about Harriet and I realised we've known each other for about five and a half years. It's a phenomenal amount of time. I've known her longer than I've known Simon. I sent her a text message to tell her this and she agreed. She said I am probably her oldest friend, and she was glad of that, which made me feel slightly better.

And on a completely unrelated note, there is an excellent article in the Times about euthanasia and a Swiss charity which legally helps people to commit suicide. I'm trying to choose a sentence or two to sum it up suitably but the decision is very hard, there is so many sentiments expressed which I agree with. I think I shall settle with "What I find hard is understanding why governments force their subjects to leave the country to seek help or make them so desperate that they throw themselves under locomotives or off buildings. That is a cruelty. It is Nazism in reverse. The Nazis forced people to die miserable deaths. They force people to live miserable lives."
15:13

I suppose not much has been happening but when you look at it another way, plenty has happened. Photography started again, to my great joy. I developed two films, both of which had some usable images, which was very pleasing. The tutor says I should be getting an A if I continue to improve, which is a big confidence boost. Today I went to see my psychologist and he too is impressed with the progress I've made (though obviously with my health, not my photography). He suggested I keep a record of how I feel each day on a scale of, say, 1 to 10 or 1 to 100, so I can easily check how my mood fluctuates and see if I can spot any external influences. I should do it, I know. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

I've booked Cinnamon in at the vets to be neutered. There was an advert in the local paper from the Cats' Protection League saying people claiming benefits were entitled to discounted operations for a limited time, so I took the initiative and rang up. He goes a week today. Hopefully afterwards he will be friendlier with the other cats in the neighbourhood. He's also more likely to roam less, which with luck will mean he won't be as hungry and I can save money on my huge cat food bill.

Hmm, when I was planning out what I would say there seemed to be plenty to relate but now I just can't think of anything worth blogging.
23:23

Here are my answers to a survey-thingumy which I found here.

My Father thinks I am: Hmm, probably thinks I'm a disgrace to the family, a lazy lay about, undisciplined, aimless and controversial.
My Mother thinks I am: Strange, messy, responsible for a lot of the bad things I have to cope with, going to be in a wheelchair / dead within 10 years.
My sister thinks I am: n/a
My brother thinks I am: Not sure. Probably alright but somewhat strange.
My grandma thinks I am: n/a
My grandpa thinks I am: n/a
My boyfriend thinks I am: n/a
My best friend thinks I am: Not all that I could be, perverted, getting better, evasive, wanting too many domains, impatient.

Your three best qualities = I care about people, I'm a good listener, I always try to help people if I can.
three worst qualities = Self-obsessed, unable to be motivated, easily prone to apathy and irritation.
three things you are often complimented for = looking very cute in the photo where I'm grinning in my red jumper, my website, my photographs.
a compliment you got that made you blush = *any* compliment makes me blush!
you get embarrassed when = people pay me compliments.
makes you happy = discovering wonderful new music / books, someone paying attention to me, feeling useful, making other people happy, ice cream.
upsets you = any kind of pain or suffering, people insulting or being nasty to me, my lack of creativity / inspiration / originality / imagination / motivation / staying power / friends / passion / knowledge.

Yes or NO....
you keep a diary = yes.
you like to cook = not really but I can cope with things I know how to cook if I'm left alone and the kitchen is warm enough (it's been very cold in there recently).
you have a secret you have not shared with anyone = I don't think so.
you fold your underwear = only when I'm really desperate for drawer space.
you talk in your sleep = I'm not sure. I think I at least mumble.
you set your watch a few minutes ahead = no.
you bite your fingernails = I pick at them but it's a habit that's much more under control nowadays.
you believe in love = believe in what about love?

Last...
movie you rented = that's far too long ago for me to remember.
movie you bought = Picnic At Hanging Rock. I bought it even though I didn't have a video player. I still don't have a video player. Thus I haven't seen it yet.
song you listened to = "Blue Chicago Moon" by Songs: Ohia
song that was stuck in your head = I don't know its name but it's the one by Interpol which goes "...turn on the bright lights".
song you've downloaded = "One Last Breath" by Black Tape For A Blue Girl. It has to be mentioned that I am simultaneously downloading three different albums by different bands though.
CD you bought = see previous blog entry = )
CD you listened to = "Didn't It Rain" by Songs: Ohia
person you've called = Hmm, probably David yesterday when Simon and I were trying to get my hard drive to work. He didn't answer.
person that's called you = Dad rang to see how I was about an hour ago.
TV show you've watched = You think I can remember that?! Actually, it was probably when I was at Rebecca's so I'll say Weebl and Bob.
person you were thinking of = David, as he was an answer to a question just up there.

Do...
you wish you could live somewhere else = yes. I don't know where yet though.
you think about suicide = yes. Though I don't think about it as something I could do at any moment any more.
you believe in online dating = believe in it? Of course I believe in it. Do you mean would I do it? Not a very clear question.
others find you attractive = Everybody is found attractive by some other person.
you want more piercings = yep. I want my nose pierced and possibly my lip. I want to have three holes in each ear lobe and whilst I have one already now the backs have closed up but not the fronts so they might need to be repierced. I want my labia pierced and I'd like two in my pubic region (known in some places as a Christina).
you want more tattoos = yes, though I don't know quite what yet.
you drink = I try not to but I don't do very well ;-)
you do drugs = I've been smoking dope a bit recently but other than that, nothing that isn't on prescription.
you smoke = no.
you like cleaning = ha ha ha ha ha. As if.
you like roller coasters = yes but not the completely OTT ones.
you write in cursive or print = a mixture.
you carry a donor card = yes, I think it's very important that people do. In one European country they were either trying to or have already brought in a law so that organ donations are compulsory unless you carry a card specifically stating you do not want your organs recycled. I think this is a very good scheme which should be adopted in more countries.

Have you...
ever cried over a boy/girl = well, you could say that...
ever lied to someone = ha ha, all the time.
ever been in a fist fight = no.
ever been arrested = no.

What...
shampoo do you use = nothing regularly. I've almost finished a bottle of regular stuff from the supermarket and when it's finally done (has lasted me about 16 months!) I have some nice, expensive henna shampoo to use.
perfume do you use = not a perfume as such but I have a lovely vanilla scented body spray from Boots.
shoes do you wear = Doc Martens of course!
are you scared of = spiders, failure, monsters in the dark, people making fun of me, stepping on rubbish and dirt, kids that hang round street corners, the process of dying (but not death itself), becoming my parents, not making an effect on the world.

Number...
of times I have been in love? I don't know. I've loved many people but I don't know if I was in love or not.
of times I have had my heart broken? Urgh, dunno. Don't want to count them up.
of hearts I have broken? Ha, no idea. The idea seems alien to me.
of boys I have kissed? Far too many to count. Probably about 20 or so.
of people I've slept with? 6 - Claire, Simon, Stephen, Rory, David and Dave (in chronological order).
of people I consider my enemies? I don't think I have enemies any more. By calling them that you give them power over you. Now I just have people I'd rather not think about.
of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? Nil.
of CDs that I own? Probably about 300 but I'm not counting them all.
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? Hmm, never I suspect.
of things in my past that I regret? There used to be many things I regret. They don't really bother me any more though, they're from a different time, a different part of me. I'm not that person any more. There are things I would do differently if I had the chance over - I'd learn to drive at 16 when my parents offered, things like that, and I wouldn't make the mistakes I did - certain things I said to people and wish I hadn't have done and so on. But they're not proper regrets. To paraphrase, regrets are meaningless, you can not change yesterday or tomorrow, you can only change this present moment.
22:18

My hosting server keeled over last night and Rory is the only one who can fix it as the machine needs to be rebooted manually. Seeing as he was in Dublin yesterday and got back late today, it still isn't fixed. This means I can't post blog entries (they'll be posted as soon as the server's running again) and I've had no email access for 24 hours. Joy. On the good side of technology though Simon installed the new hard drive Rory sent me so now I have a spare 27GB to fill with MP3s. Woo yey! I finally set up the speakers I got for Christmas too and I've been using them to listen to the CDs I got this morning: Ming Star, The Albemarle Sound and Turn On The Bright Lights.

I found out that the person who insulted my website (see yesterday's entry) is 13 years old so I don't feel quite bad about it any more. Especially as Rory says all his friends think I've done very well with it. They are the kind of people I want praise from, not thirteen year old idiots. And the last thing for today - some very ace animations which you may have already seen seeing as they were voted fourth Best Animation in the B3ta Awards.
21:59

I'm all alone on Friday night again. I think I'm developing Rory's Saturday Disease, only applicable to whole weekends and not just Saturdays. I'm seriously considering inventing some imaginary friends so I won't be alone as much. I think it's getting to me a bit. I'm more so alone tonight as Rory's gone to Dublin to his friend Connor and won't be back to talk to me until tomorrow evening.

Rebecca didn't come to the women's group yesterday as she was ill so I stayed and had a chat for an hour with the other woman who turned up and then went shopping. Top Shop had more excellent knickers in stock and some other lovely clothes which I couldn't afford. They had a beautiful embroidered silk skirt and also some silk combats which whilst being extremely cruel were also extremely fantastic. In Jumbo I forced (honest) to buy Under The Waves by Lorien and Waltz For Koop by Koop. I also found a copy of Boating For Beginners for £1 in Oxfam so I have lots of new things to read and listen to. At the supermarket I bought two kiwi fruit as I haven't eaten any in years. They were soft and delicious.

I picked up the parcel from the postal depot this morning so I also have three more tubes of toothpaste. Yey for Jes! In addition she sent two CDs (a compilation and an introduction to the Mendoza Line and a few bags of tea. I don't drink tea, I think it tastes rancid, but these smelt so nice I decided not to write them off immediately. Some are ginger and pear flavour but the others are label-less. I tried one of the ginger and pear bags and once I'd added two large spoonfuls of sugar I found it tasted reasonable enough to drink and it was actually quite enjoyable.

I wish I had something interesting to write about. I have a boring life. Here's some rambling then. I don't know when the new term at Park Lane starts yet, it may be Monday, it may be a week on Monday. We had a discussion about hodgehegs on B3ta last night, it made me very happy, more so as someone had said they really liked my website earlier on. Then someone else said "i hate ur website - the content is ok but the colour scheme is blinding" in reply to me explaining why I was feeling good, which completely killed my mood. It snowed last night. I want a new domain, I have the new site and layout planned but I can't think of a good name / URL. It's bugging me.
22:18

I ushered in the new year in a style typical of recent times - I was asleep. Lovely, warm, soft bed, there's not many better things than ten or twelve hours spent in the land of dreams. In any case I needed to catch up with the sleep I missed from the night before when inexplicably I just couldn't sleep so spent many hours battling with a jigsaw. My cold is almost gone now and I feel alive again, more the pity as the weather is terrible so I can't go and explore the world anew.

Speaking of exploring with senses reawakened, here's an article about the effects of narcotics on literature. It provides you with a neat run-down of drug-addled works from the past hundred and fifty years.

And other than that, I don't have any news.
19:04