I Am Fachea, Celtic Goddess of Poetry.
I'm a freaky writer type that doesn't like to leave the house. I'm probably a lot smarter than you.

You yourself love all things beautiful and earthy, and writing poetry is your passion, although you might divulge in a good story once in a while. You have always been the English teacher's favourite and are generally a very artistic person.
15:08

20:29

I'm feeling worn out. Have spent about two hours trying, in vain, to get a random quote script that will work. Again. I don't know what's going wrong. Maybe if I understood Perl or CGI things might be easier. The script I'm using from Hosted Scripts is refusing to load for some undiscernable reason. And the heart in "I [heart] my domain" is showing as the copyright symbol, again for no reason I can find out. It's things like this that make me pull down entire sites. Perfect or nothing. And I can't even ask Rory for help as he's offline all day, trying to install his new hard drive. I need someone to come make me a lovely pasta bake, hot chocolate and cake, and then cuddle me all night and stroke me better. And then sort out my scripting for me.
17:58

An example of net art: Google Adwords Happening. One man's story of his fight against, censorship, the machine, and other such horrific things. Ahem.
22:31

Bloginality - a personality test for bloggers.

As an ISTJ, you are Intraverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Judging. This makes your primary focus on Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Thinking.

This is defined as a SJ personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Guardian (Security Seeking) type, and more specifically the Inspectors or Duty Fufiller.

As a weblogger, you may will have a dependable form of posting. You may be more likely to be judgementatal toward others who aren't as dependable. You may get taken advantage of in group situations because you are known as not being able to say no. Because of your respect for facts and information, you may need multiple blogs to keep all of the information sorted in your head.



18:37 - 1 Comment

Rory has showed me how to view the proper logs, not just the ones with pretty graphs. The results are amazing. My dad has been reading this blog since halfway through April. What kind of freak spies on his daughter like that? He did say he wouldn't read any more and he hasn't been here since Wednesday but I'm watching those logs and if he does come back, the whole of Tele 2 are getting blocked. Means I won't be able to blog from their house, but it's a small inconvience. I'm furious over this. I can't comprehend that it's happened but the logs don't lie. Why did he write to me over that entry though, and none of the others? I don't understand that either.
15:58

Need a new boyfriend? Why not buy one from Ebay?
18:42

My dad, it seems, has been reading this blog. He wrote to me yesterday saying he was sorry I interpreted his actions the way I did but it's not what he intended. I presumed this was the first time he'd read it. Rory says my logs suggest otherwise. His ISP are my seventh highest visitor (I claim *both* places of first and second!) which I've always presumed to be due to my blogging when at his house. Maybe it is more sinister than it seems though. Yet if he was visiting, he deleted my site from his history (as I always do to avoid him finding this site). Rory said he'd been here for the past three weeks but I can't see how he can tell that. I'm not the best at interpreting the logs though. All in all, it just would be nice to not be spied on for a change. My mum used to listen in to my telephone calls and now this. I'm twenty for god's sake! I moved out four years ago! I'm a grown woman, my own person, not a kid for them to check up on. I tell them what I think they need to hear and using means to find out more isn't just spying or invasion of privacy, it's dirty, dishonest, rude and childish. I don't want to have to password protect this blog as I get a lot of casual traffic from webrings but what do I need to do to get my independance?
18:35

Want to write your name on an asteroid?
23:51

I've got Sherbet an appointment with the PDSA for 1:30pm. She looks even thinner than before and isn't moving much. I told dad about the appointment as he'd agreed to take me over there but he was pissed off at me as he was wanting to watch the football. "I've been looking forward to this all week." The message is clear: I'm willing to help you, just as long as there's nothing else I'd rather do. Cheers, dad.
12:39

Just what we needed. Further laws to enforce treatment of mentally ill patients. Wonderful. The BBC has provided a handy guide to what it all means.
22:30

Saturday's spider reappeared last night, in the bathroom again, just as I was about to clean my teeth. After a bit of a crying fit Rory persuaded me to spray anti-insect spray into the room and go to bed. This morning I found it curled up on the rug. I put some tissue over it until Simon can come and remove it for me tomorrow.

Yesterday's LGB group was much better than I expected. I refered some people to BSN. Tonight is the youth LGB group. Hopefully there will be more bourbons!

I've been working on another new layout for this site. Though in the end it doesn't matter what I come up with as it will never be as simple or original as the other sites out there. Exposition Kink or Garbage of Eden or Neurotic Fishbowl or Sheila Rene or Girl Repair for example. (Especially Girl Repair and Sheila Rene.)

Currently listening to Death to the Pixies for the first time, ever. Rory was so shocked that I was ignorant of the Pixies that he bought me it. On an unrelated note, I can smell chocolate crepes, just as they serve in France, and I don't know where it's coming from but it's making me hungry.
16:43 - 1 Comment

Yesterday when I was getting out of the shower, I'd wrapped my towel around me and was sitting down when I noticed a huge spider on my shoulder. It was horrible. I screamed and flailed and threw the towel off me and ran upstairs where I quivered and screamed more and rang Rory. I've been nervous of going near the bathroom since and I'm scared of towels now, as that's where it was. I'd better get over my fear soon or my lack of washing will cause people to avoid and hate me.

Dad and mum and I went to see Unfaithful last night. I wasn't expecting too much, especially as I'm not a Richard Gere fan, but it turned out to be surprisingly wonderful. The directing was excellent, the sex was great, and, to my dad's annoyance, it didn't have a proper ending. Yey! The best films have unconventional endings, leaving you open to speculation and wonder so I was quite happy with this one.

On the way back I ended up having an arguement with dad. I'd said that I'd decided to look further into photography and dad asked if I'd found a course to teach me about photography yet. I got angry and started shouting that I only ever receive acceptance from him based on academic success and seeing as I'd only been wanting to be a photographer for two days, no, I'd didn't have a course picked out. He didn't take too well to this and relations were strained when we went to the supermarket this morning. I do feel sorry for him as I'm not an easy person to deal with and I know that sometimes he does try and that he does care for me. We just don't get along, in any way at all. Anyway, if you want to see why I want to be a photographer, you should check out the work of kentsoul. Some people have left extremely worrying comments suggesting they can't tell the difference between porn and art. What do you think? Where does the boundary lie? Is there a boundary? Can something be simulataneoulsy pornography and art?

Salon have an article about a scientist who's work has made him conclude that semen contains a natural anti-depressant. They didn't involve any lesbians in the study though, not that I noticed anyway, and I think using results from them would be an intersting aspect to the experiment.

Going to the SHIP LGB group for the first time tomorrow. Eeek, scary. Meet Louise, a woman who lives on the Broadleas who I met through Gaydar Girls (stop laughing!) if she turns up. That and the young LGB group on Tuesday evening are all I have planned this week. Aside from lots of sleeping and stroking of my wonderful book, ...Sideways.
22:48

Wonderful things on the internet to amaze you:
The Stork by Nina Paley. They aren't so innocent as they seem. However, Fetch could possibly be the best short animation, ever.
A Japanese ASCII animation featuring dancing cats, prostitution and more surreal things gives Fetch a run for its money though.
Can anyone provide me solution to Epscilon? I was there for about three hours and it's driving me crazy not being able to solve it.
Erotic Reading List at Bully strikes me as the "literature wank list" the woman in The Black Album said she'd like to compile for her students one day. Plenty to flick a wrist or finger with.

Found something ace recently? Leave a message in the comments section and we can all go see it.
12:31

Not feeling very well today. Dull and lethargic. Not quite melancholy. I wish I could be more articulate.

Sherbet (or Jesus, can't tell which is which) is very ill. I noticed yesterday morning she couldn't walk, was rolling over everywhere, seemingly involuntary, and she looked very underweight. Dad said he'd drive me to the PDSA so I got an appointment. The vet said it was likely to be caused by old age and was ongoing, as she was underweight which doesn't happen over night. He gave me some antibiotics and said a decision has to be made about when quality of life is being compromised. I'm not a happy bunny, and I doubt she is either. Want to cry.

Dad said he'd won some money, can't remember where, and had given Robert £20 from it so he gave me £20 too. Donated £5 to the PDSA for treatment costs and decided to spend the remainder on myself. I wanted to go to Borders to get the 3 for 2 on world literature they had but I was disgusted to find it was no longer running. I was heartbroken. After deliberation and agony I decided to buy The Art of Looking Sideways, though 69 Love Songs and Finally We Are No One were very close runners up.
15:41

Last night I got seriously drunk. I haven't been that drunk since I slept with Stephen. Rory was drunk too and we ended up having sex (proper sex!) and doing plenty of related things. We also went for a walk, or more technically, a stumble, in the park and I ended up crying at him over various things I can only vaguely remember. We've concluded though that vodka makes me horny. Archers seems to make me depressed and sleepy so I'm stopping drinking it for the time being.

The telephone line isn't working properly, it refuses to dial out, though incoming calls are trouble free. I went to Morrisons but they didn't have any tofu, to my horror. I was looking forward to using the last of my marinade as the fried tofu Rory and I had last week was wonderful and I've been dreaming about it ever since. To make up for it though I bought strawberries and apples, so it's not all that bad *g*.
18:47

The day wasn't as terrible as early predictions suggested. I managed to get dressed in a reasonable amount of time, and the washing machine decided to behave itself. At least for the moment.

The weather was erratic, humid and stiffling yet sometimes overcast and gloomy, sometimes with clear skies. Harrogate had lots of lovely women, I shall have to go there more often. We wandered around for a while and then browsed through a few shops. In Just Books I bought The Folklore Calendar and Rory aquired 4 new hardbacks. We spent some time sitting in a city centre garden eating sweets from Holland and Barrett and then went to meet my parents at the vegan cafe. The shop part wasn't quite as big as I'd been led to believe but the cafe part was beautifully decorated, with gorgeous food, pretty waitresses and vegan raspberry ice cream! I had roasted tomato, apricot and aubergine soup, cheese & coleslaw sandwich, and an ice cream bowl, featuring a scoop each of strawberry, raspberry and chocolate. Rory sang the praises of his potato wedges, and chocolate fudge brownie. Mum and dad shared some treacle tart with citrus custard.

After all that, I was tired and sleepy but there wasn't much chance for rest on the drive back as dad insisted on making us listen to Steve Wright. When we were finally home, I indulged in the final piece of apple crumble and some hardcore hugging. We also sprayed the house with anti-spider spray, as I've had a remarkably large number of them recently.

Rory goes home tomorrow (boo!). Just as I was getting used to having him around, too. He's making off with more of my books, but to be fair he is leaving me plenty - Pat Califia and the like. He's leaving his pom pom too, says it won't fit in his bag. I haven't finished mine off yet, I'm so lazy.

What else has been happening? Rather a lot, strangely enough. I have vanilla flavoured vodka that tastes like ice cream, from Harvey Nichols. I tried cannabis for the first time ever, and not a lot happened, other than my throat being rough. Rory and I managed to do sex things! And very nice they were too. We concluded we need to cut up the orange rope as having one 15 metre piece makes it rather unmanagable. We went walking in Ilkley Woods with Out to 25 which was fun, despite the high pitched "Isn't it great to be gay?" 15 year olds, and the rain. I managed to be in Ilkley and not panic, and to catch a train, from Leeds station no less, and not panic too badly. This is very impressive. We went to see Monster's Ball which was extremely well made, really enjoyable, and Bully which was pretty terrible. I won't go into it, but stay away. A waste of money.

I don't think we did anything else worth recording. There was lots of hugging and eating. I thought a good career could be writing for a magazine which covers current affairs, music, art, theatre, culture, cinema, and so on. The only difficulty being I hate writing and the things I write. This blog itself is merely evidence of my inadequacies. However I could always do post-grad journalism, I suppose.

And that is the current state of my life. After Rory departs tomorrow, nothing exciting is happening until Thursday's women's group, except Simon coming over on Wednesday. He couldn't come on Saturday as Gareth was in a bad state and needed to be looked after. I also have a lot of mail to catch up on, and I haven't read anything in a week. Lots for me to do then.
20:19

I have a feeling today is not going to go well. We're off to Harrogate with the family but dad and I aren't talking as he rang me to shout at me last night for mentioning to mum what he said about her new nose.

In addition, the washing machine was playing up again last night and was refusing to let us at the clothes. I tried to open it again this morning and surprisingly, the door came open. However the tub was still full of water which flooded onto the kitchen floor. Joy. And Rory refused to go get me a towel so I could dry my feet saying he had an urgent email to send. It would take 30 seconds to fetch a towel.

So I'm not impressed. And I managed to hit myself in the eye. I think I should go back to bed whilst I still have the chance, but that would only piss dad off more and get Rory irritated at me. *sigh*.
10:01

A lot has happened that should be blogged, but tea is going to be ready soon. We're having BBQ marinated tofu and fried potatoes. And, in Rory's case, baked beans.

I now have ADSL! Whoo! Things are much faster at downloading and no more phone bill hassle! Yey! Oh, tea is ready now. More later.
19:19

I am traumatised. Ebay isn't working properly. Argh! Noooooo!!! And I still can't get into my BT Internet email account. Bastards. On the flip side though, I have been having lots of kinky sex so I'm not as annoyed as I could have been. Off to the women's group and the cinema tomorrow. Hurray. And Harriet got a 2:1 in her degree.
20:22

Rory's coming! In 3 hours! Argh! We've lots planned. Cinema and baking and LGB group and psychologist and hugging and pub and go to Harrogate to investigate a vegan cafe. Yey!

I went to see Andy at SHIP yesterday and I'm going to join the LGBT group. I won't be going for a fortnight though as Rory's here. The sun's shining today and it looks beautiful outside, but the yesterday was the same and after lunchtime it never stopped raining. Spent last night arguing with some one on UK Bloggers about whether or not rape is "feminist, man-hating propaganda". Still not sure if he was trolling or serious. Cinnamon's been going out more, but he wants to go out at night and I don't think he's ready to be staying out for 10 or 12 hours in a row yet. I don't want him mewing all night to come in and waking the neighbours up. The weekend was crap and depressing. I prefer the weeks now, I can go out and meet people and do things. Went to Safeways and got vegan (we think) Bourbons! Yey! Haven't had bourbons in *years*. Went to the Aromatherapy course yesterday and it was very interesting. The people though were mostly in their fifties or older and as part of the course is massage, I don't really feel very comfortable around them, so I'm not going to go back. It would be good if i could do the course with people my own age, but I can't so nevermind.
11:14

I am truly passionate.

You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?
23:17

Not using the internet is difficult and this only the first day of my restricted use. By next week I should be a gibbering wreck. Elsewhere, I found the second issue of Chica Magazine! Hurray! Cinnamon's been discovering the neightbours. I'm attempting to cook tofu stir fry tonight. My worry dolls came. And that's about it.
18:53

Just when I'd managed to get my computer in a state close to normalcy, a new tragedy occurs: BT Internet have finally disconnected my free service. Bastards. I don't know when my ADSL modem will be arriving either. Which means until then I'll have very limited net access in an attempt to stop my phone bill from being sky-high. This modem had better turn up soon. The only thing left to do with my days now is read. As we all know me better than to expect me to clean.

Simon came round earlier. We cleaned out the gerbils and didn't do much else. He won't be coming to see me on Saturday as he's off to London for the stupid convention with people who used to be my friends. He said "Life moves on" and it's true. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Rory's finally able to come over and see me, he's arriving on Tuesday for a full week. Must mean things went well in court today, but I don't know the details. He says he doesn't have much money though as his evil partner refused to pay him and so he has £500 to live on until September, which isn't a very nice prospect. Especially when he's just bought me a Shiny Chain Mail Top from Ebay.
19:42

The US is now advocating Abstinence only contraception. How lovely. Fascists.
12:50

Spent all of today getting my computer functional again. Started out reformatting, installed Win2000, Office, and most importantly - a virus checker. Have been downloading program after patch after update after program, and my bum is numb from sitting on this chair for so long. But I can use my computer again! Though it doesn't want to reload my old email or my expenses spreadsheet = (

Tomorrow will be spent downloading more programs and tweaking the settings. Rory's in court tomorrown and depending on the outcome he might be over to see me this weekend! Hurray!
00:51

I am 33% evil.


You are the Dragon. In medieval Europe, dragons were considered mostly evil and a generally bad omin. Christianity linked the dragon with Satan because of the dragon's snake-like apperance. However, to the Orient cultures the dragon was a symbol of widom and roalty. It was a benign animal and the fifth creature of the Chinese zodiac. It resided over the east and the sunsrise. It was also said to bring rain and the springtime. The dragon is interesting because it combines all four elements: air, earth, fire, and water. It could fly, had the horns of a ox, breathed fire, and resided over the moon.

Which mythical beast are you?



19:17

I feel so tired. I want to sleep for a thousand years.

IE6 is doing something with my style sheets. On this blog the tables display as they should but on every other page the right hand column increases by 15% which it certainly shouldn't be doing. The confusing part is everything runs from the same .css file so all the pages should be identical.

Have eaten huge amounts of food today and I feel so fat. 4 bread rolls! 4!! And a tin of soup, a litre of fruit smoothie and punnet of raspberries. They'll have to roll me out of bed soon, I'll be too fat to do it myself.

Dad dragged Robert and I off to Bolling Hall Museum today. It's a big old building, parts have been standing since around the 1400's, and they think the site has been lived on for at least a thousand years. That's pretty damn old. I don't like very old buildings. Well, I like looking at them but I don't like being inside them. They creep me out. I'm extremely ghost-phobic and every old building seems to have a ghost. Luckily the only reported ghost at Bolling Hall appeared about 500 years ago and hasn't been seen since. It's still touted as "Bradford's most famous ghost" though. A hotly contended title, as I'm sure you can see. There's supposed to be a blood stain by the fireplace in the main room, but we couldn't see one. The guide book said it was due to the large amount of iron in the stones which appears red in rainy weather. There's also supposed to be, according to local legend, a secret passage to Bradford Cathedral, which the guidebook said was also false, but I think the chances are rather good of there being one. There wasn't anyone else there when we were, it was all deserted. Everyone watching football, I presume. It was a big house, somewhat confusing with the bedrooms all leading into each other and lots of hidden nooks and crannies. Many staircases you're not allowed up. And some terrible wallpaper.

Regarding the alledged bloodstain, I was reading an Oscar Wilde short story last night or the night before about a stain in an old house which replenishes itself and had been there 300 years, since the owner at time murdered his wife. It was a comical story, not a ghost or mystery tale at all, but strange that I read it and then went to the Hall which featured a similar thing.

I think I hear thunder. According to Rory there was thunder in Belfast today and 6 seconds later the heaviest rain he's ever heard appeared. So heavy he could hear it hitting the roof from the floor below. Well if it's not thunder, it's an aeroplane or a child's toy. These things sound much the same.
19:03

Oh boy, it's hot. Urgh. All of a sudden, it turns June and the sun comes out. I may not be a goth any more but I still hate summer.

I've been putting off writing this entry for days because if I do it as throughly (sp? goddam it I'm forgetting everything I learned in primary school. The other week I had to ask Simon if chickens and hens are the same thing) as I should then it will be a long task. But here goes.

A quick round-up: The virus is still doing my head in; Harriet's boyfriend has found out she's sleeping with his mate and as predicted she now feels shit about it; Cinnamon has been outside investigating, and eating, the street [photos?]; I'm considering taking a pole dancing class; I've run out of books I can't wait to read and am left with the ones I want to read or feel I should but which don't jump up and down and scream "read me now!" at me; I'm still spending too much money; Rory's work situation is worsening; have been listening to the Sneaker Pimps.

I did a tarot reading last night. It said that I'm moving on from my illness and soon I'll find friends and a social life and become much happier and healthier. That's good news. It shows I'm on the right track. The Immediate Future card was Queen of Pentacles though and I can't find something to relate that to. Maybe it's something around the corner I don't know about yet. The Strengthening Influences card was (I think) 10 of Pentacles, the card which in my deck is explained as family, the richness of family background I believe the translation is. I'm not sure to interpret this as literally my family or if it means more my figurative family - Rory, Simon, SHIP and the like. I'm wary about involving my family in my illness as years of experience has shown despite well-meaning attitudes, they tend to get things horribly wrong and make me feel worse. When I have some indicator that may no longer be the case I'll change my policy but as it is, I can't see it changing any time soon.

Thursday at the women's group there was only three of us so I ended up spilling out everything that was troubling me. It took a while. I ended up crying but I got it all out and felt better. I explained that I wanted to say things in the group but didn't manage to as I can't ask for time unless someone specifically asks me if I'd like some, so the facilitator said she'd adjust the structure to allow for this and hopefully in the future things will be much better. I said about my worries regarding the group, that as the youngest by a long way I didn't fit in and perhaps I shouldn't be coming, but it was said that they thought I was a valid member of the group, they like me being there and have learned from me and they'd be sad if I no longer came, which made me feel better too. They said they understood though that I wanted to meet people around my age in the hope of meeting them socially outside of the project and it was suggested I went to the Marketplace to see if that could help. As I've been meaning to go all week, this wasn't a strange idea.

So after the women's group and some idle window shopping I went to the Market Place. It's similar in some ways to SHIP but it differs mainly in that it's only open to 13 - 25 year olds. They do councilling and advice and other things so off I went. The woman who greeted me said they offer one on one councilling along with other things. There's a drop in where you can just turn up and hang around if you want. They give advice on things like sex, sexuality, work, careers and the like. It sounded like it could help me. Behind her on the wall was a poster advertising an LGBT group and she ended up ringing the lady who runs it and I spoke to her and we agreed to meet next Friday to discuss it further, to see if we think I'd be suitable for the group and vice versa. Then she introduced me to the people who were there and I sat down, tried to be pleasent, and to help them with their crosswords. It seems crosswords are a common way of spending the time there. We didn't do very well with it, so someone went to the newsagent and bought the Mirror so we could have one with a chance of finishing it. The people there were mid-teens with the volunteers / workers being mid-twenties to forties, at an estimate. One of the teens was waving around a copy of Teen Witch much to my disgust. I said as much and he tried to say that sometimes spells work and such. I said I wasn't debating that, but was debating the worth of the book itself. He didn't seem very happy. Then a few minutes later he appologised, saying he hadn't noticed my ring (my pentacle ring). He then tried to get me into a conversation about what books he should be reading. I said Starhawk, Valiente, Fortune and Marion Green were good places to start. He also said he read the first page of A Witches' Bible and threw it out of the window, presumably in the hope of impressing me. I said that it was actually a very good book, especially the second half. It kept him quiet. Then he made me read the guidelines set out in Teen Witch for magic-making. It was terrible. All "Witchie Rule number One" and so on. Urgh. He could see my reaction. Said that there's only really two rules you need to remember. I asked which those were. I can't remember the second he said, but the first was the Rule of Three. So I explained that the Rule of Three doesn't necessarily exist, that if you believe it does then it does and if you don't then it doesn't. He got very confused over this and seemed to be mocking me, but I refuse to be mocked by anyone who takes Silver Ravenshite seriously. I didn't say to him, though in hindsight I should, that you shouldn't take everything you read to be gospel. Investigate things and learn things for yourself. If in your workings you discover the Rule of Three to be true, then fair enough, but don't just believe in it blindly. We're no better than Christians otherwise.

And that's my long blog entry. Over with finally. I have strawberries in my fridge. It's hot weather and you need strawberries in hot weather. It's law. There were kids in paddling pools on the way to Morrisons. I'd forgotton all about paddling pools. How wonderful they seem when you're a kid. Something I've been thinking a lot about recently is dying. It must be scary to know you're dying, that soon you won't exist here any more and you don't know where you are going to go and what will happen. To leave behind people you love. It must very hard for children to die, I imagine they have a big fear. It's not that I fear death, I don't have a problem with it, it's dying I fear. That state of being unable to help yourself, hurting loved ones, the probability of not being able to look after yourself at that time, losing your dignity. That's the part I don't like. Then beyond that I'm a little anxious about the afterlife. What if the Christians are correct and if I don't dedicate my life to Jesus then the consequences will be unendurable torture for eternity? I think the chances of it being so are miniscule but as I've been brought up in a Christian country, it's something I have to consider. If it is true though I still choose to not live as they'd like, to decide for myself, I could never follow a life as flawed and contradictory as the Christians wish me to, but still I have reservations that what I believe is not the truth. Whatever the truth is, the chances of it being Christianity are so tiny it's not worth thinking about. I think I'm repeating myself now. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in the spiritual choices I've made and I'm willing to accept the results of those actions, what ever they might be. I think it's just human to doubt that it's correct choice though. Plus I want to please everyone, upset no one, but ultimately I have to only live for myself, as anything else is a betrayal.
16:41