Today was gorgeous. There was bright sun, occasional clouds, a slight breeze... I didn't want to stay inside and waste such a wonderful day and was about to ring David to see if he wanted to do something when my parents rang to ask if I wanted to come to town with them. I decided to dress quite exotically for me and wore a red top which can be pushed up from the bottom and tied up to expose your belly, and long lilac skirt. I felt happy and was looking forward to the day. When we arrived in the city centre I quickly became anxious though. It wasn't very crowded so that wasn't an issue. It was more that I felt very self conscious and could feel everybody laughing at me for what I was wearing and how crap I am. How I'll never be popular or pretty and that trying to imitate those who are is setting myself up for them to knock me down. So because of this I was on edge, which was heightened by being surrounded by mirrors at every corner in every shop. They just kept coming, these mirrors, and I couldn't avoid them. My mum was being irritating, she kept frantically wandering from one shelf of clothes to another and then back again, without actually picking anything up. I wanted to go sit somewhere and be quiet for 10 minutes to calm myself down but she seemed adamant that she had to continue her travels. I persuaded her to give me some money for the cafe and went to get a drink so I would have something to focus on other than how much I wanted to leave and go hide somewhere safe.

Whilst in Marks and Spencers I saw this old lady. She was thin and hunched and moved very slowly, almost shuffled. She was quite bedraggled and her hair was thin. She was holding a small bunch of unopened daffodils. She made me feel so sad. I wanted to hug her, make everything OK again. I always feel like that when I see someone like her. I want to take the world's problems away, make everyone feel better. I feel happy when I can make someone feel better, and I couldn't change things for her so perhaps that's why I felt bad. Or maybe it was fear of becoming the same as her over time. Though it could just have been that she wasn't pretty and is aesthetically unattractive and we have been trained to shun people and situations which aren't all sweetness and light. Whatever the reason it's fairly inconsequential now.

Mum bought me some strawberries whilst we were in Marks', and some onion bagels too, which were divine. Mmmmm. I can still smell them on my hands, they're making me hungry for more. Tomorrow it's college again. Now I've finished the practical work I have to complete the written work to support it all. Time for me to start talking crap I think. I worry what I will do when the course finishes. It's given me hope and filled my days. September and the start of the A-levels is so far away. I don't know what I can replace it with.
21:59

Already I've failed on my new resolution for more frequent bloggage. My excuse is I've been busy and have genuinely forgotten to blog, so here's a catch-up post.

I felt really good on Thursday, possibly the best I've felt for far too long. It was a lovely day, with bright, warm sun, a little cloud and a small breeze. I started the day by eating two bowls of cornflakes whilst sitting on my doorstep and watching the birds. It was very peaceful, as not many people were around. Those who work were already doing so and those who don't didn't seem to be awake yet, except me of course. The women's group was quiet - we've lost several members to the confidence building course which is running immediately afterwards, and many people don't feel able to do both with no break between. I went off to college again afterwards. I couldn't find any more pictures I wanted to print, in fact if I had printed any more the sheer amount I had produced would have been reaching silly levels. Instead I mounted the prints I already had. It was boring but it was nice just to be outside of the house and away from my computer.

Friday was another fine morning, though quite a bit cooler than the day before. I had to leave early, not only to get to the facilitating course on time, but as I also had to go to the postal depot to collect a mysterious package which was too large for my postbox. As suspected it was my Amazon goodies (Hey Petrunko, My Elixir, My Poison and In A German Pension) only they hadn't been packed as economically as possible which was why they wouldn't fit my box. The SHIP session was quite good, despite several people getting on my nerves, including one person who obsessively kept clicking his pen top. I think I'll have to talk to him about it at the next meeting as I was on edge all morning due to it. Afterwards I again went to college, to finish my mounting. At the end I had 5 sheets of photographs, a sheet with information on other photographers, a sheet of images which printed wrongly, a sheet of test prints, a sheet of test strips and contact sheets and a sheet of images I had printed but chosen not to use. The tutor briefly looked through it all and said I was looking at a high A. Woo! He asked me to bring in all the work I have on Monday and he would mark it as giving me the final marking, and then he can advise me what else I need to do to optimise my chances of getting the highest mark I can. It does mean though that I have no excuse to go to college on Thursday and Friday afternoons any more so I don't know what I will do with the extra time.

The weather is nice again today, I'm glad for this pleasant patch. The wind can be so brutal in winter. I have no plans until Monday but I want to try and restart my next site layout. I've found another site whose layout has inspired me, though regretfully I will have to use tables to get it to work, I can't see a way of making it using solely CSS. I've arranged for Robert to take me and Cinnamon to Simon's on Tuesday evening, and for a lift to the airport Wednesday morning, and another on the return journey on Sunday. I'm getting quite excited about the trip now, though anxious as I'll have to fly and negotiate the airport on my own. I haven't flown since I was 8 and we went to Portugal for two weeks. Still, breathe deeply and I hope I'll be able to cope.
16:52

I'm making an effort to blog more frequently. So here is today's offering.

I found the eating disorders clinic fairly easily yesterday. Plenty of buses run to Seacroft hospital so I arrived almost an hour early. I hung around outside for some time first, talking to Rory and summoning the strength to go in. The rest of the time I sat in the waiting room reading Written On The Body which I finished today - it was as wonderful as her other books, go and read it! I was interviewed by one psychiatrist (female) who didn't do much to make me feel at ease. She never smiled and so gave the impression she'd rather not be talking to me. She asked about my eating and about my family, about how I currently occupy myself, my illness, how I came to be ill and other things. I told her as much as I could though I feel I must have forgotten parts of it or I wasn't as eloquent as I could have been. I didn't receive much reassurance from her in any case. She even insinuated I was lying when I had explained about how Simon and I had split up and how he had entered into a relationship with my friend, and as a consequence I hadn't spoken to her since. She said "That doesn't quite add up" to which I could find no explanation. I merely said it would make sense if she knew me.

The session lasted about an hour and at the end she said the clinic would be able to help me. I would be assigned a worker who would make a contract with me for a certain number of sessions where we could work on helping me. I can also join the bulimia and binge eating support group if I wish. She said they would be in contact with the details and left me with a self-help book to read in the meantime. I didn't have any time to look at it before meeting my parents to go to the dentist's. All was fine there though my dad brought bad news that the vendor of the wonderful house we saw on Friday hasn't accepted our offer, but someone else's instead. Apparently he became rather shirty with the estate agents over it, as he had offered a cash purchase for the asking price, but there was nothing to be done about it.

Today is Simon's birthday, he's 24. I think. He's coming round tomorrow, he said on Sunday he would make a concentrated effort to come over when he said he would as he's been cancelling so often recently. I've got him some incense and some elastic bands for his hair as a small present. I'm trying to reduce the amount of money I spend so it's all I can really afford, until I get my arse into gear and list all the items I've earmarked for sale on Ebay.
18:42

FTP is finally back up for the first time in almost a week. I don't have the energy to go into detail about my life since the last update, so here's a sketchy outline. The facilitators training course began last Friday. Someone who I really dislike was there which put me off initially but I decided to mostly ignore her. It wasn't a very strenuous session, we were mostly meeting each other and learning about why we were all on the course. I went to college afterwards and did some printing for my exam. Saturday was dull until the afternoon when I was expecting Andy from B3ta to arrive. I'd offered him somewhere to sleep after the bash and some food to eat before hand. Only my dad turned up five minutes before Andy was due, and I hadn't told him anything about my plans to go out for the evening. Still, he came bearing gifts: the cat house style litter tray from Argos. Andy arrived fairly soon afterwards and I cooked a tofu stir fry which was lovely. We met everyone else as planned at Whitelocks, a 400 year old (or so) pub in the city centre. I had never been in before so it made a nice change. It didn't get too busy or noisy either luckily. Eight people turned up, two of whom were non-B3tan, but much fun was had. At chucking out time we were torn between getting a curry or drinking some more. Alcohol won in the end so we went to the Dry Dock who have a late licence. Halfway through the time there Damien who was meant to be sleeping on my sofa disappeared and no one could find him. In the morning we discovered he had suddenly been feeling crappy and had left very suddenly. Without telling us. But it was ok in the end. When it came time to go home, Andy came back with me and so did another bloke who had had his arm around me all night and so on. He decided to sleep on the sofa though, he had to leave at half past seven to catch his train back to London. So Andy stayed in my bed, with me, and we had fun with each other and our bodies. He left in the early afternoon to go home, he had arranged to watch football in the pub with his friends I think. The rest of Sunday was predictably boring.

Monday brought the start of my photography exam. I was still feeling tender from the drinking on Saturday though (I don't get hangovers, I just feel tender) and I was very listless. I tried to do a bit of printing but I hated everything I produced. All my work seemed worthless and pathetic and I wanted to burn the lot. I left early as staying was pointless. It was a lovely day however, very sunny and whilst not hot, it was certainly warm, especially in comparison to the previous few months. I took advantage of the weather and forced myself to go out in the hope of taking more photographs. I ended up in the playground in Bramley park, and had quite a bit of success, which helped me feel better.

The rest of the week was fairly run-of-the-mill so I'll spare you the technicalities of it all. However one evening I was checking Hotmail and I discovered that someone sent me this, regarding some of the book reviews I've posted to Amazon:

Dear Sarah,
I was interested to read your comments on the Amazon website. Your level of literary criticism is as deeply unimpressive as your erudition. Perhaps the books you condemn so roundly were simply too 'grown-up' for a petulant and rather silly little girl.
Cordially yours, James Allen

Lovely stuff, eh?

On Thursday I went to college after the women's group and developed the film which included the playground shots. Some of them were quite successful which pleased me. Friday was the busiest day though. Facilitators training was in the morning which was quite enjoyable. I grabbed a sandwich from Beanos whilst I was waiting for my dad to pick me up so we could go view some houses. The first was decent enough. Needed complete redecoration though, a new hall carpet and a new kitchen. The second one was beyond my imagination. It's so difficult to describe but it was wonderful. Two bedrooms, the kitchen and living room being together which dad didn't like but I thought worked perfectly. I really can't describe this house. I need it. Dad didn't want to buy it though. We went to get another sandwich from a shop on Cardigan Road and discussed it. He wanted me to buy it so he wouldn't have to. I told him I couldn't, I can't get a job, I'm ill. He didn't look like he believed me. He dropped me off at college, pissed off and annoyed. Then I had to put up with Bitch From Hell in the darkroom complaining at me about anything and everything. I tried to ignore her and just got on with my work, humming to myself. When I left I found dad had rung me so I called him back. He said he'd put an offer in on the house for the asking price. However an offer had already been placed. The owner also had people scheduled to come see it on Saturday. She wanted those viewings to go ahead and then she would decide on Monday what to do. I can only hope that we get it.

After all that, Friday was still far from over as I had to go to the train station to collect Stuart, a B3tan who was staying for the weekend. All was fine and we got home ok. We had a drink in the evening and ended up in each other's arms, and then in bed. On Saturday we decided to try going to town. It was very stressful but I managed it and I didn't kill anyone. We went to see Equilibrium which I really enjoyed and then came home. I was tired and a bit down so I slept for a while and then we went back to bed together. I tried on my sparkly corset for him and we got the glitter everywhere, again. He left Sunday lunchtime, and we agreed to see each other again sometime for more hugs. Simon rang to say he wasn't coming around so I talked to Rory about how screwed up and confused I am about everything to do with sex right now (may elaborate tomorrow if I have the energy) and then slept for several hours. Which brings us to now.

College again tomorrow morning, then I have my appointment at the eating disorders clinic in Seacroft. I'm scared and nervous but I'm glad it's here, I have a chance of righting things now. At teatime I have to go to the dentists so I have a long day, I think I'll sleep lots tomorrow evening too, either that or sleep all through Tuesday. I know this has been a very basic update but I hope to be more satisfying in the future. A new resolution to update more, so I get to record more than just facts. But now I'm going to bed.
00:30

Yes I know I'm crap. I need to blog but stuff has been happening for once so I haven't had chance to get anything written out. For the time being, have some links instead.

Everyone's probably already seen this by now but a talking fish predicts the end of the world. The Guardian on the Daily Mail's hypocritical and plain evil editorial policies. And finally, fantastic, free site stats.
23:58

Eeeek! How have I managed to not write for a week?! I knew I desperately needed to update but I didn't think the situation was this bad. I think I had best summarise the past week then.

I don't recall the weekend much so I probably didn't do anything of consequence. I know I had been putting off writing my application for Art college but Rory made me do it, before it became too late to apply. It felt good to finally have it out of the way. I didn't go to see Four Planes play as David had sent me a message saying he was in bed with flu and unable to play. Apparently they played without him but it felt like something was missing, which is to be expected.

I was depressed on Monday morning as I felt my photography exam was going to be a failure and was beyond redemption. I was cropping some pictures I had printed out at my parents for my portfolio when my tutor saw them and said a few were worth an A and I should certainly submit them. That cheered me up a little but I'm still unsure I can pull this exam off. Today I went back to college to do some more preparatory work, hindered by two fire alarms and an rather excitable class in the photography studio, and I have an idea which might work. It's to print out all the pictures I have which have any worth in them and to cut them out and collage them together. Include some dying and so on and I might just be able to scramble something together. The actual exam starts on Monday so I'd better have an idea soon.

Today has been very busy actually. This morning I received a letter from the eating disorders clinic offering me an appointment a week on Monday. This was a bit of a shock as I was expecting an appointment near the end of June but I have no objections to seeing them sooner. The only worry is that on that day I also have to be at college to do some work for my exam and I have a dentists appointment in the evening. It might be too much for one day, especially if I have to pleasant to my parents too, but I'm willing to try to succeed.

I've been chatting with more B3tans online and have become rather friendly with one, called Stuart. We've arranged for him to come over next weekend for two nights, for hugging and other activities. I'm very excited about it, he makes me grin whenever he writes to me. And he's not called Dave! (Like all other male B3tans.) Then two weeks after that I'm going over to Belfast to visit Rory, who's finally found himself somewhere decent to live. He's sharing a flat with Gavin, who also needed somewhere to live. I've seen some photographs and it looks like a really nice place, very modern and stylish. Rory's room even comes with its own glow-in-the-dark stars!

There's tonnes of other things I should really mention but my writing feels very stale and repetitive so I don't want to bore any one who's actually reading this. So that's all for now, and I promise to try and write more frequently. These things just slip my mind.
18:02

I haven't written in so long because I haven't had the energy to. There's no point writing unless I put effort into it and I just couldn't manage that. Have been feeling a little better today though, could have been the flapjack and liquorice for breakfast which has made the change!

On Sunday Simon and I went for a walk along the canal. We saw two swans who posed for some photographs for me, some ducks, some dogs, some birds and a horse. We also saw the first daisies of the year and the garlic which is now growing again. The sun was out but not too warm and there was a cooling breeze. We walked fairly slowly, enjoying ourselves. It's been a very long time since I was last down there and it was good to get out of the house. I also stopped at the leisure centre and picked up a timetable for their classes. They offer yoga but it either clashes with groups at SHIP or start at 9:15 am, which is far too early for me. However on Friday teatime there's (oh the tragedy) Legs, Bums and Tums. I can't believe I'm considering such a thing. We shall see though. Afterwards I went to David's, it's only something like the second or third time I've seen him since before Christmas. We sat and chatted for a while, and he gave me chocolate spread on toast. Mmm, I should invite myself round more often.

I had an opticians appointment on Monday and I was prescribed some glasses to help with close range activities. My eyes have been aching when using the computer recently, and as my computer is my main source of recreation, it was a problem which needed fixing quickly. My dad said he would pay for the frames so I'm now trying to get used to my new purple glasses. They work, my eyes don't hurt any more, though the skin above my ears is a little sore. Oh well. If it's not one thing, it's another...

We also went to view a house. It was about 5 minutes away from the university in a fairly decent area, though surrounded by crappy areas. The house itself was lovely, large kitchen, decent living room, though fairly small bedrooms (2) and bathroom. It has a small garden and doesn't need much tarting up. The only thing which puts me off is that it's not as close to the people I know as I would like. I can't decide. There are a few other houses I'd like to see though so it's not as if this is my only option.

Yesterday I went with two people from SHIP to visit a LGB disabled people's group in Chapel Allerton, the other side of Leeds to where I live. I've never been over that side of Leeds, I've had no reason to, having no friends over there to visit. The group is mostly a campaigning group instead of specialising in emotional support as SHIP does. I found the meeting incredibly dull, and they even had the bad luck of placing the plate of Hob Nobs in front of me, thus I ate most of them. It was something new though, and one afternoon less I had to find something to occupy myself with.

Today Rebecca and I were meant to be going to take some photographs for my exam after the women's group. She didn't turn up though and had rung SHIP to say her son was ill so she wouldn't be coming. I can understand that, I just feel very let down that she didn't contact me to let me know we couldn't take the photographs. I've been feeling very abandoned and isolated from my friends as it is, this just goes to reinforce my feelings. Additionally I need these photographs to be taken before next week, as it's the last day or preparation for the exam, afterwards we have to start the period of producing fantastic images. So they really have to be done this weekend. So I don't know what to do. I already have some images, but no where near enough to work with, and I can't think of another way of getting some.

In stuff which isn't to do with me, Rory has finally, after trying for years, got somewhere new to live. He's going to be sharing a large flat with Gavin, who also desperately needs to find somewhere new to stay whilst in Belfast. They're going to be moving in this weekend. I'm really happy that Rory can now escape the place he currently lives in, as it quite often contributes to him feeling depressed. And of course now I can come visit him too. Well, I would be able to if I didn't have college on Monday mornings and the facilitators training course on Friday mornings.

We were talking on B3ta about people who are just unable to get a job, and nevermind came out with this classic passage:
reminds me of a story a friend of mine had from when she was working in the job centre.
she was behind the counter filing and all sorts, when she hears this bloke shouting and screaming and ranting at her from the other side of the counter. "why haven't you bastards managed to get me job yet?! everywhere i go i get fucking turned down! i keep trying to get work and none of you cunts are helping me at all." so she looks up, and there's a guy standing there in a bad suit with FUCK tattooed on his forehead.

And Ben, who is on one of the mailing lists I subscribe to, gave us this antidote about his trip to Glastonbury one year: This guys spliff went out, and he was so stoned he didn't know what to do, he started crying, so I relit his spliff for him, and made him the happiest hippie at Glastonbury.
15:25

As predicted it's been a while since I last wrote so there's quite a bit to catch up on. Rory arrived on Tuesday and we went to the Art College open evening. It was useful and I got to talk to one of the photography tutors who helped quash some of my fears. He said that the prospectus is wrong and you need no knowledge of SLR cameras as the course presumes you know nothing and teaches you from scratch. As great as this news is it means I now have to find something else to worry about, and my brain has selected the quality of my portfolio for this task.

I had an appointment with my psychologist on Wednesday lunchtime. He told me that I'm doing wonderfully which is very reassuring. That afternoon Rory realised he had to go home though. There was far too much work for the company to cope without him so he booked flights for Thursday morning. We both became very depressed at the prospect of his departure and didn't go to see David that evening as we had planned. Instead we just had a drink and some hugs. I couldn't persuade him to stay so he left in the morning and I went to the women's group. We were doing some exercises about goal achievement and planning, about things to use as rewards and ways to remind us of all the things which support us. There were some people present who I didn't like and I felt crap anyway so I didn't do much, I just sat down and watched everyone else. Aside from that I couldn't think of anything I could contribute in any case. Afterwards I went to the library to return some books, but not all of the ones I had borrowed as one has gone missing. Joy. I went to college to see my photography tutor as I needed a reference for my application to the Art College and previously he had said he would give me one. I took the opportunity to do some printing too, as I need to take a portfolio with me when I am interviewed about my application, and my current portfolio is ridiculously large (physically, not in terms of content), and it's not something I wish to be battling with on a bus. At first the printing wasn't too successful but I managed to produce some decent reproductions which will do, though a few I think I need to try again with. Whilst I was waiting for my last sheets to dry I got involved in a conversation with a woman who spends a lot of time around the photography department but who I've never spoken to before. Along with a male I hadn't seen before we discussed George Bush, television, web designing, our courses and the nature of photography. It was a very enjoyable conversation and it cheered me up, balanced out the shittiness of the rest of the day. We exchanged names though now I can't remember hers, I think it was Abby or Ellie or something along those lines. I hope I'll get a chance to talk to her again.

It turned out I wasn't the only one to have conversed with a pretty woman that day as Rory was talking to the woman he was sat next to on his flight home. She lives in Leeds and was going to a friend's gig in Belfast that night. He even managed to get her phone number! Yesterday I went to my parents as I wanted to print out some of the digital photographs I've taken for inclusion in my portfolio. My dad has an expensive printer which does excellent quality prints of photographs. I also wanted to scan in the prints I made in college the previous day so that I can include them in my next website. That went fairly well, once I figured out how to work the printer. Dad said though that he's been thinking about buying me a house. He doesn't want to spend lots of money on it as the money he previously earmarked for house purchasing would mean that should something happen and money was required fairly suddenly there would be none at his disposal. Sensible reason which I agree with. Additionally he said he doesn't want to die as my nan did leaving behind lots of money and not having had the opportunity to enjoy it, so he wants to spend the money. (Both he and mum have just bought new cars, dad's is a silver Jaguar. Oh yes.) So all in all, I agree with him, he should do the things he said. However now instead of spending all the money he had on a new house for me he only wants to spend about £5,000 over the cost of my current house on somewhere new. Which means my chances of moving to North Leeds are now practically zero. Houses over there are expensive, dad says he thinks they're overpriced, but it's still the area I want to live in, that I need to live in. I was counting on being able to move there as part of my recovery, I was going to go be amongst people I liked and felt comfortable with, where I could go do things and see people and so on. And he wants to take that away from me. It's not made me very happy.

Today has been crap. When I first got out of bed the sun was bright and made me feel good. It soon disappeared though and I felt lethargic and lonely. Simon rang to say he wasn't coming around so I went back to bed until half past 4. The only good thing that has happened is some of the money I made on Ebay this week has arrived. I sold an old Manics t-shirt for £22! At least it means I can now buy the new Ooberman album on Monday without feeling guilty.
17:35