An article and author interview in the Guardian about a semi-autobiographical novel featuring bulimia, depression and self harm. It's a good, sensible piece. It ends in a way that describes almost exactly my problems.

"...she fears that, in England, someone like her would just be told to pull her socks up. If she ever relapses, she thinks, it will be in Britain rather than the US. 'There's so much guilt there attached to having a perfectly good life,' she says. 'I have the most supportive parents in the world, they've loved me to death, and I had a great job. I could see that but I couldn't touch it and, in the end, it drove me insane..."

If you couldn't tell, the author is British but now lives in New York.
20:37

Dad comes back from Crete today. Just in time, as BT informed me they're disconnecting my internet service as I've been overusing it. Apparantly. I'm not even out of bed for 12 hours a day so how can I use the internet for more than 12 hours? Idiots.

It's been rainy all day, not good for my mood as I had to go out in it. Walk to the psychiatrists, which incidentally was a complete waste of time, and walk through throngs of school children. I don't think school children are the thing I despise most in the world, but they're certainly close to the top of the list.

Finally finished Glass Bead Game. The Amazon reviews said it was easy to read but I disagree. Oh dear. What are the rest of his books like then?

Simon's coming to give me a hug tomorrow. I think I need one. I'm at a point where I've indentified problems and know that things need to change, but I don't know how to make them change and it's frustrating and upseting. I want someone to take all the problems away, fix them, and then I can carry on. As it is I don't have the courage to fix things myself and I don't have the courage to kill myself. And doing nothing isn't an option. Not as in it's an option I refuse to recognise, but in that it really doesn't exist.

My eating is depressing me again. I feel so fat, feel as if everyone laughs at me and mocks me because of it. I want to cut my thighs open, release the pressure in them, but I don't have the courage to do that either. I suspect it's due to the drugs.

Running low on money. Under £400 in the bank. I must sell more things and buy less. I need to save money for the festival. Every thing is weighing on me, opressing me. I want to hide. But as I said, doing nothing isn't an option. I'm forced to make a decision, something I'm not very good at. Because both choices require action, movement, motivation, planning, and all I want to do is sleep and hide and let it fix itself. Which isn't ever going to happen.
18:53

I think the laws of the world which limit how many bad incidents happen are having a holiday today, as everything just seems to be going wrong. I've had a virus for about a week now that doesn't seem to go despite anti-viral attempts. I rang Dad and he gave me his password for his McAfee account where he's subscribed to their online virus checker. I have to download some software first but every attempt just cancels and I can't find why. So until the virus buggers off, net use is slow and frustrating.

The next thing that's gone wrong is Cinnamon. He managed to get his collar stuck in his mouth again, only this time there was blood everywhere. I didn't notice immediately as he didn't draw any attention to the situation. When I spotted it, it seemed as if most of his face was covered in blood. His tongue was hanging out of the side of his mouth going a very dark shade of purple. I got the collar off and rang Rory. After investigating him, and trying to wash some of the blood off, I still can't tell where the cut is, but there's two possibilities. Either he was biting at the collar trying to get it out of his mouth and trying to do the same with a foot and ended up biting his paw, or his was clawing at the collar and ended up cuting his gum, as there is a splotch of dried blood in his mouth. He won't let me have an in depth look at his paw but he's been running around and playing a little so I presume the cut is in his mouth, or he would be limping. Rory told me to buy him some milk and warm it with sugar, as it would help him recover, so I did but he's mostly ignored the milk. When I put more food down for him though, he did have a small meal. So it seems that whatever the injury is, it isn't very bad and certainly isn't dangerous but I won't be happy until Simon comes and checks him over for me.

The final thing which has gone wrong happened to my mum, and not to me. She was at work and a customer called her to come outside and when she did, the wind blew the door to, and it was on the latch. Naturally the keys for the shop, her house keys and her mobile where in her bag inside. What with dad and Robert being in Crete, this was a bit of a problem. It seems she went to Jackie's and they decided I was their only hope. Mum doesn't know my phone number by heart and they didn't know if I had a house key to my parents' house or whether I would even be in, but they took a chance and Jackie drove her across and I gave her my key. Hopefully she will have a spare set of shop keys somewhere at home.

It's only quarter past four and it seems like things would have been easier if I stayed in bed. I don't want to tempt fate but really, what else could go wrong?
15:43 - 1 Comment

The door is finally here. What a day though. The fitters were due at 9:30am but arrived at 8:50, just as I was about to get in the shower. Gits. Things started out ok-ish but after they had removed the door frame it was discovered that small brick wall alcove was about to collapse. Then it did. After they built me a new wall thingumy I think the rest was easy. I can't be sure though as I was upstairs sleeping at the time. Apparantly Cinnamon helped them and investigated everything, once he'd got over his fear of the strange loud noises. And this is the door:



The dirt from the fitting was everywhere. Even surfaces that didn't look dirty were, when wiped, found to be coated in it. I've had to clean the lot. The worst was the floor. I tried hoovering it but couldn't move the switch away from the extension setting. Cinnamon hadn't seen the hover work before and his reaction to it being switched on was to act as if he was trying a combination of an epileptic fit and gymnastics display. So anyway, I had to go mop with the hover not working sufficiently. I didn't do a proffessional job but I removed most of the surface dirt, at least. Simon can do a more thourough (sp?) attempt tomorrow.

After that, the dirtiest thing left was the cat. He used to be white but had turned grey. He needed a bath. I've never bathed a cat before, knowing that water is possibly their most hated enemy. I only managed a quick wash as he was fighting hard to escape, but most of the dirt was washed off, with only more ingrained pieces being left. The poor love was screaming for help or relief, probably didn't help that I used cold water as I didn't want to accidentally burn him. Wet through he looked like the most pitiful being on Earth, staring at me with cold, hurt eyes, asking how could I have done this to him? I towelled him off and brought down my fan heater for him to sit in front of, but he seemed more interested in sitting on the towel and trying to clean himself. At his point his fur was sticking up in spikes. Probably the closest I'll ever get to owning a hodgeheg. I had a shower myself then went to the shop to buy him an expensive can of cat food as a treat for putting up with a bath. He seemed to forgive me, luckily! And that's about the extent of today, aside from a long talk with Rory about politics and economics. I'm liberal, you know.
22:20 - 1 Comment

Any writing skill I may have is still on holiday, so here's a round up of the week so far, in the most boring way possible. Tuesday I went for my tetnus jab, finally. I got given polio at the same time. I had popcorn to celebrate. Wednesday Simon came. Today I went to the Women's Group which was boring and frustrating (a bit like reading this blog). I spent lots of money on a tofu sandwich and a hippy bag, and also some more writing paper. Had a shiatsu and went to Kirkstall to get programme details from the leisure centre. Went to the Bookshop and the Free Words book has finally gone! Bought Auto Da Fe for £1. The fleas haven't gone. I'm running out of money. I'm all fat. Bought the new Ooberman single, but on first listen I'm not that keen. More Ebay auctions have been added. Only 4 this time. Dad and Robert are in Crete. I had a horrible dream about spiders. Rory's granddad died. I got the virus for a third time. They're fitting the door tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I feel penned in by my illness. Unescapable. It's crushing me and I don't know how to escape it. But maybe I'm just having a bad week.
20:32

Cinnamon's got fleas again. The only possible way it could have happened was when he went outside earlier and sniffed at Owl Cat for a few seconds. This isn't good. I spent most of today in bed feel shit and now he has fleas. However Morag has invited me to her naming ceremony so that's some consolation.
22:59 - 1 Comment

I have a huge craving for apple crumble. This is very, very annoying as I have no chance of getting any. Grrrrr.
18:56

I need to go out. To have friends and do things, like go to the pub or to a club, go to the cinema or the art gallery or a literary reading. Stay in and watch a movie, maybe, or go for a walk. I can't continue being at home on my own all day, every day. I hate it when I am out but it's much better than being able to find nothing to occupy myself with and then sinking into a pit of lethargy, self-pity, nihilism and frustration. But I don't have any friends to go out with. It's a rather nasty circle. I get so jealous of people like Simon and Harriet who have social lives and people to do things with and so on. Rory says it's because I'm ill, and yes he's right, but I'm sick of it. It needs to change, but where on earth am I going to find some friends? And how am I going to be able to spot whether they genuinely like me or are just being polite? And then, after all that, how am I going to be able to convince myself they they're not just pretending so they can have a laugh at me behind my back? So many obstacles.

Simon was round earlier but nothing really happened. He's demanded we go see Ooberman when they next tour though. Oh damn. What a pity ;-) The Ebay auctions finished with me gaining £25! Whoo-hoo! 3 items didn't sell though. Can't say I blame them. Last night dad and I went to see The Warrior at Pictureville. Dad has a big aversion to subtitles, claiming he doesn't read quick enough for them, but I didn't realise the film wasn't in English. Don't know what it was but it certainly wasn't English. Luckily there wasn't that much dialogue to subtitle. The scenery was breathtaking though. I wanted to eat the film.
20:17

Still not much of excitement happening. A squabble is ensuing with the non-paying Ebay bidder for a record. Today was far too hot and sunny. The creative expression group/course is on indefinate hold. Cinnamon has met other cats, and no one came away with scratches! My Vegan Store goodies arrived, and have been mostly consumed already. The cherry toothpaste smells lovely! My digital camera finally works. I bought a magazine for the first time in literally years. It's Sleaze Nation, as it features Yeah Yeah Yeahs and other pretty things. The tickets have been bought for the Leeds festival and now I'm incredibly broke. I slightly updated the SHIP website. Borders have a 3 for 2 on World Literature at the moment and it's killing me not being able to buy things. Death and the Penguin! Doctor Zhivargo! (sp?) Kitchen! Argh! The list of uni courses I'm interested in has swelled to 32. And Park Lane run a perfectly acceptable Access course, so I'm planning on starting that in September 03. No point in rushing into things. Does mean I'll finish my degree in 2007 though. Providing all goes to plan. Started reading The Glass Bead Game but it made my head hurt. I only managed to read the introduction and that was hard. I did better with Ulysess... Missing Rory. Would like someone just to be around for conversation or hugs occassionally. To remind me I'm not going crazy. And to hold my hand when I get stressed. Things seem so much more enjoyable when you share them with someone. Aside from magazines or shopping trips that is. I like to read at my own pace and everyone who knows me can testify that I'm a nightmare to go shopping with. Attention span of a goldfish. With Altzheimers.
20:49

Still inspiration avoids me so another crap posting. Dad bought me a digital camera. Because he felt like it. Mum doesn't know about it. It was £65. I can't get it to work on the computer. There are no drivers available on the net and there was no software with it and though Windows gives you an option of updating some driver it already has, it says there was an error in installation.

Yesterday I tried to get the new Ooberman single but no one had it, there must have been distribution problems. I also tried to buy Leeds tickets but a distribution problem again, though they rang me this morning to say the tickets had finally been delivered. I'll go buy two on Thursday.

I spent most of today reading, and I finally finished Possession. She really put a lot of work into the novel, which I can appreciate, but I still think the ending is too predictable, with everyone seeming to find someone else to fall in love with. I much prefer ending such as in When We Were Orphans, which discards all trends and obligations and has a truly modern and original ending, and thus is so much more satisfying.

I finally finished the Monster Loaf of Bread of Doom. It took me at least a week, if not longer, to eat it. You could have fed the five thousand, and their friends, with this loaf. At least it's gone now, and I can eat something else, though I suspect I won't.

Today I felt the best I have felt in at least a month. It's been very strange, not being upset and depressed all day. Because the illness is such an integral part of me, when it is removed, there doesn't seem to be much left. It is a very strange feeling I can't describe satisfactorily. "I miss the comfort in being sad."
22:41

Another highly thrilling, death-defying, non-stop, action packed blog posting for you.

I am eating too much and need to cut down. I have so much bread I think it is coming out of my ears. I took mum in an expensive designer shop and she asked me if the clothes were second hand. I asked her if she'd pay those prices for second hand clothes. Journal 531 is here. I added the lyrics to Long Sleeves For The Summer and the poem from the end of Shorley Wall, plus a little bit about me. It looked alright, if a little smudged. bumped in Morag in Harvey Nichols. She decided she was in love with Mark after all but he's decided to move to Birmingham with his girlfriend who he's known less than 3 months. She isn't very happy about it. Cinnamon took a chunk out of my thumb when I was straightening the sofa cover. I went to Simon's on Saturday and met his cats (both nameless) and we made baked peppers stuffed with rice and fried onions & mushrooms. It was a little bland, the recipe needs working on. It was uncomfortable in there. Evidence of her everywhere. I got a hug though. Saw Lady In The Van which was very funny but far too hot. The Playhouse really need to install a proper air conditioning unit. More things for sale on Ebay. Buying goodies from Vegan Store. Harriet finishes her degree on Monday and is in a full scale relationship with James, despite not having told Paul about it yet. I figured we can go places when she comes as she must have had her licence more than three years and after 3 years you can supervise an unlicenced driver, and I'm insured for my dad's car. So all is fine as long as I don't end up crashing or something similar meaning Harriet would have to drive. My mum finally took up the 2 pairs of trousers I bought a few months ago, however the skirt I bought in 2000 still needs finishing. I have lots of email I need to reply to but really can't be bothered. There's lots of things I need to do - redesign the SHIP site; clean my house; read books; exercise; write email; put dad's records on Ebay; write lots of book reviews; tidy my house; try to hippy-fy / arty-fy my house; get better; get a tetnus jab; and so on and so forth, but it all just weighs over me and I get none of it done. Aside from read maybe. On Possession currently, which is good, if somewhat predictable. I have absolutely nothing I have to do next week, but the week after is all go - the start of the psychodrama group; session with psychologist; shiatsu session; the installation of my new, incredibly expensive door; and Wendy Cope at the Studio as part of Bradford Book Festival. Hurray.
18:30

I've not written in a week. Just call me crap. I've been feeling too bad to really write anything coherant. Here's a round up though. I've had my medication increased again. I'm now on 375mg a day, the highest dosage allowed. If this doesn't work then I don't know what will happen. I read Shanghai Baby and it was much better than I expected. Currently reading Possession. Going to Simon's on Saturday afternoon and we're going to make Baked Stuffed Peppers, mmmmm. Unfortunately I have to do some of the cooking. Rory is caught up with work hassles in Belfast and can't leave for ages, this is the longest we've been apart. I've been looking into uni courses again and current forerunners are Cultural Studies or Social Anthropology. Or maybe Information and Communications - a posh term for Library Studies. The weather has been cloudy and colder than before but still bearable. I went to see Chris. He's doing OK, has taken up graffiti art. Saw Nick whilst I was there. He's grown dreadlocks and initiated a conversation of "have you ever tasted your shit?". Feeling inadequate again, especially with my writing. And considering that all I write currently gets broadcast to world (i.e. this blog), well, been feeling pants.
15:25

Oh I'm so cold. I seem to vary between being cold and being warm. It gets annoying.

Thursday's women's group was mostly spent trying to help one woman who was having jealousy and insecurity problems with her husband. i.e. she was the one with the problem. At the end of the session she left with a smile though, and lots of ideas on how to improve the situation, so there is hope. Afterwards I had a shiatsu session which was lovely and relaxing. I didn't want to have to go home I was so comfortable. I got depressed in the evening though, not helped by Rory being unable to come see me as he has to stay in Belfast and try to sort out the mess that is his company.

Today was the start of the Creative Expression Course. Not too much to relate, but then I don't think I'm really in the mood for blogging right now. Off to see Chris and Marie tonight, running an errand for Rory. I'm gonna have a drink with them, a bit of a chat. Feeling tired though. The cold doesn't make the idea of leaving the house more appealling either. Damn it I'm so lazy.
16:43 - 1 Comment

Beltaine's here again. The Wheel turns and still I'm no closer to developing a fulfilling spiritual path. *sigh*.

Dad's buying me a new door. It's costing £950. Some people have more money than sense. Rory may or may not being coming to see me tomorrow. I am probably going to go see Chris and Marie on Friday, not intentionally to sleep with them but if the evening develops that way, well, I won't be complaining. Tamsin is on the cover of the Manchester Met prospectus, slightly Photoshopped but still recognisable. Off to see my psychologist in half an hour, lots to talk about, oh yes. Harriet is coming to see me after her exams which finish in a fortnight. We haven't arranged a date yet. The weather can't decide if it should be nice and sunny or overcast and stormy or bothersome and windy, or a combination of all three. I still have no idea what to do with my life.
10:39 - 2 Comments