It's been so long since the last entry because Rory has been over. I don't have the energy to write today though. Everything I say sounds boring and dull. Maybe I should stop getting out of bed before lunchtime, this always happens when I do. There's lots of things I need to get done but I can't summon the energy to do any of them. I need to clean and de-flea the house, write some letters and emails, do some typing for SHIP, list piles of clothes on Ebay, write a new website, finish this blog, and lots of other useful things. All I want to do though is eat nice things and get hugs. I can't do either though.

I'm tired of being lonely and having no one around to hug me and help me. I don't know how far I'm prepared to go for that to change though. Would I move to Belfast purely because I want hugs? And am I only being like this because I've been very depressed recently and once things pick up again (presuming they will) I'll change my mind and will be happy to continue as I am? I don't know. I'm tired of having to produce my own answers, I want someone to come and do it all for me. That's always the way with me. I'll ignore and abandon things until they're falling apart at the hinges and they need someone else to come fix them for me. It's pretty pathetic really.
14:25

Tonight has been an interesting evening. The day was pants. I went in to SHIP to help them film a video they have to make to showing them in operation, as part of the award they won for mental health excellence (recovery section). Apparently they had to have the video done today so that it could be sent to London and edited in time for the awards ceremony on Saturday. I offered to help, as I had made a video for my Media Studies coursework a few years ago. I dragged myself out of bed at 8am so that I could be in town as early as possible to help, but when I arrived at SHIP there was no one there. After about ten minutes someone arrived and explained that the day was wrong, the video was being made on Friday, and I had been rung to be notified but as my answering machine is a BT 1571 deal and not a physical machine which flashes to let me know there's a message, I had missed this vital information. I hung around for a while anyway, as I wanted a referral form for De Lacy House, another Mind centre, this one in Kirkstall, and more informal, more of a kind of a drop-in centre, than SHIP is. After leaving I went shopping for a little while, and avoided buying a bag yet again. I've decided to show Rory my options when we go shopping on Friday, and he can advise me on which I should buy. I also stopped in at the library to get a new library card, after my last one was in my purse which was stolen, and then I came home. I was truly knackered so I went off to bed and got up around tea time.

Nothing else of consequence happened until Simon rang me. He didn't manage to come see me today as he had to work overtime, so when this happens we usually try to arrange to ring each other, so that we still keep in touch. We talked about random aspects of life, like how his brother Ashley has come out of the surgery he had to fix a hole in his heart and all went well, and about work. We did however get into a discussion about witchcraft and magic, something we haven't talked about for a long time. He suggested that the fits I have with deja-vu where I talk nonsense and can't remember what happens, one of which I had this afternoon, could be related to what the Christians call "speaking in tongues". The fits have only come on since I became vegan, but as this an unnatural eating habit for our culture and requires effort and willpower everyday to maintain it, I could be unknowingly training my body and mind to the level which is necessary for successful magic, and this is manifesting itself through these fits. We can't find a physical cause for them, the theory that it may be due a possible lack of iron is still only a theory, and no one I've spoken to has any idea what it may be, what's causing it and how to stop it. He suggested that I should ask Rory to pay attention to what I say during these fits and to write them down, as they may be of significance if his theory is in some way correct. Rory is the best person for this job as every time a fit happens I ring him for support. The only drawback is that Rory is very skeptical of anything which hasn't been proved time and again by science, especially anything of a religious or spiritual nature, and this would probably mar the experiment. It is worth asking him though, instead of writing it off from the start. From this conversation led into a discussion about Simon's ... homelife. I complained that I couldn't ring him during these fits as I can never be certain who will answer the phone, and bad things are likely to happen if it's anyone other than Simon. He said that this is an issue we need to deal with at some point, which I agreed with, and that we both know what the situation is but just don't speak about it. It's not ideal but it's the best we can hope for at the time and he doesn't expect it to change in the near future, which is fine by him. He did say that he thinks if I could resolve the issues within myself two things would happen. First of all I would gain many more friends, who I desperately need, but I can't remember his second point. It may have been peace of mind, I'm not sure. Anyway, we left it at that before we could jepodise the situation and we made arrangements to possibly see each other on Saturday. After we had hung up I went downstairs to sort out Cinnamon for the night and had another fit. It's very unusual to have two in one day, though not unheard of. I wonder if it is related in any way to conversation I had regarding them. There's not really anyway I can see of telling though.

Elsewhere, my hair is still very purple. Rory is coming to see me tomorrow and we've arranged to go to the pub with some Leeds B3tans in the evening. The weekend is mostly being spent at GoJonnyGoGoGoGoGoGoGoGo ... go go go go... go. And Cinnamon is still sleeping on my work surfaces, though now he's showing a preference for my draining board.
23:53

I currently have purple hair. Not just any kind of purple hair though, this is purple. In fact it's nowhere near that, I can't find words to describe how purple it is. It's not an obvious purple, light has to be shining on it for the purpleness to be seen, but if a definition of purple had to be written, a photograph of my hair would be included. I keep wondering why people are staring at me, then I'll catch sight of myself in a shop window and realise. It's very astonishingly purple.

Yesterday was my second appointment at the eating disorders clinic. I was up early as it's quite far away from me. I managed to get there a little early and sat looking through the magazines in the waiting room. To say this is a place which is meant to help people overcome their eating problems, their choice of reading material was somewhat ill thought through. There was a couple of decorating magazines, which made me yearn for money to create a beautiful house, but the majority of the magazines were typical of the kind aimed at young women, with regular features on dieting, fashion and the like. It seemed very self defeating to make women feel bad about themselves just before they're about to go try and find ways to deal with their problems. If I had seen such things, say a year ago when I was much more ill than I currently am, it would have made me fat and ugly and that I could never change things. I would have become depressed and introverted and found it very difficult to talk much, let alone be in a frame of mind suitable for changing something as complicated as my eating habits. Perhaps I should mention this to them when I go again next month?

Aside from their inappropriate complementary media, the session there did give me things to think about. As suspected I have to keep a food diary detailing what I eat, how much, where, when, which foods I felt out of control whilst eating and anything I do to compensate for the food, like vomiting, exercise and taking laxatives. None of the compensatory columns apply to me, as there isn't an option for "hiding in bed until I feel better again" or "crying down the phone to Rory". To make the diary more attractive I've collaged the cover with pictures of luscious food. I'm worried they won't like this though as the woman I saw didn't like the idea of me drawing pictures in the entries. I decided to do it anyway though as it's my diary and if looking bright and colourful makes me more likely to keep up with writing in it, then that's surely a good thing. I even wrote all the dates in using my sparkly purple gel pen, until I discovered it had been stapled together incorrectly and one week has eight days in it whilst another only has six. I gave up in frustration at that point as the item I had just spent two hours customising was flawed and thus useless. I rang Rory to complain at him and then went to bed.
19:01

I've been feeling very down today. It seems everything has gone wrong. It started when I woke up at 8:30, though I had set my alarm for 7:30. I checked the alarm and it said 9, so further investigation into that is necessary. I ran to get washed and dressed and found out that the weather has steadily been getting worse this week, cumulating in very heavy rain this morning. Great news considering my umbrella is out of use as it's covered in cat shit from Cinnamon sitting on it after using his litter tray. I wrapped up against the weather and braced myself against the driving rain. As I was walking to the bus stop I realised I had left my folder at home with the SHIP papers I required and a magazine to read in it, but there was no chance of returning for it without being late. Luckily I arrived at the bus stop just before a bus turned up, and it didn't take very long to reach town either, though at one point it seemed we might be delayed in a traffic jam for some time. I managed to get to SHIP for the facilitating course before we started which was an improvement on past weeks. I was looking forward to the opening round where we customarily "check in" with how we're feeling but it was decided we should have a round of good news instead. This upset me further as I didn't get a chance to unladen how badly I was feeling and instead had to carry on with it. I started feeling progressively worse and was glad when lunchtime came and we could go home. I had to battle the weather though to go to Morrisons to buy flea cream for Cinnamon, as three have been sighted now and my local supermarket didn't have any, and to go to the Post Office to get a driving licence replacement form. It turns out they want me to pay £17 to get a replacement! I can't afford that! Anyway, the items were acquired and I was home for half past one. My mood kept dropping though and I eventually went for a sleep, which rebooted my head a little and I feel slightly better now. Rory's insisting on complicating my life though by booking plane flights for Thursday evening when I'm meant to be at my first Psychodrama session. I guess it does mean I get to see him for that little bit longer though.

I woke up early on Wednesday and there was no women's group again, the facilitator is ill apparently, and I spent the day immensely bored. I was determined for Thursday not to be the same so I decided to shopping in town as I need to buy a new bag and coat, and a pair of shoes would be helpful too as I currently only have 2 pairs, neither of which are really what could be considered "smart". After many hours (well, ok, three) I had tried on several pairs of shoes but all were either too big or too expensive. There were plenty of other pairs I would have liked to have tried on, but unfortunately they contained leather or suede. I found a very nice purple cord jacket which covered my hips in House of Fraser, at a reasonable price. I thought I looked nice with it on but they didn't have my size, and whilst the one below did fit it was a little tight. They said some more should be in within a week so I guess I'll check back on Tuesday. I went to O'Neills to buy another bag the same as the kind which was stolen but they've been so popular they only had the creamy / beige colour left, which I could see would attract dirt as if it was magnetic. They too were supposed to be getting some replacement stock but couldn't say when. Instead I bought a dark blue Quiksilver bag which I thought would be suitable. I couldn't make my mind up though so I used it today without cutting the tags off. It turns out its not really big enough for my needs so I'll return it next week. I just hope they'll be fine giving me a refund as I really don't want a £25 credit note for the shop I bought it from, as they're a shoe shop and it's not likely that I'll want to be purchasing items from them in the future. I'm very worried about it to be honest. Maybe I could leave the returning until Friday when Rory will be with me for support. I saw Chris when I was in the Corn Exchange. The last time I saw him was at the Leeds festival. He's still with Marie but he's now working a solicitors where he has to wear a tie ("And not a clip on tie"). We didn't talk for long, couldn't think of much to say to be honest. Anyway, I was tired after all that shopping but still not finished when at 4:20 Simon rang me to remind me that he had been meant to be coming round at 3pm. Oops. I went to dash home and as I was approaching the bus stop four buses went past which I could have caught. I wasn't very happy about this and was concerned he would leave before I managed to make it home as he was meant to be role playing at half past 5. I finally got home at 5:05 and he was still there. He came in and hugged me and stroked me for twenty minutes before he left and said it was understandable I forgot about his coming at it was an unusual time. I was glad he wasn't upset.

I've been reading the binge eating help book on bus journeys recently and I've finished it now. It seems fairly sensible but immensely scary. It means discarding my way of thinking which I've been set in since my early teens, eating rationally and all those other things which terrify me. They want me to make a list of everything I eat which I don't want to do as it would mean admitting to people the things I eat even though I know I shouldn't. From there it wants me to make a meal plan - three meals and two or three snacks a day. This is worrying as if I eat when I'm not hungry I just been become hungry and end up binging which makes me depressed. And the thought of having to eat even if I'm not hungry, and the thought of eating so much, it scares me. After that it tries to get you to intervene when you feel the binges coming on, which seems sensible enough, but after that it wants you to eliminate dieting completely. Eeep! There's more steps but they don't seem as bad right now. It says that the average time it takes someone to complete it and return to normal eating is six months. It's perfectly feasible that by the end of the year I could have no more eating worries. It seems unattainable. So much work to be done, so much programming to be undone. I just want my thighs and my hips to go away. In any case I have an appointment on Sunday with a Senior Nurse in Eating Disorders or some such. At 11am on the other side of Leeds. Joy. I'm scared, I didn't really like the last person I saw there, I hope this one is nicer.

I finally received my order from Vegan Store and ate two packets of biscuits in two days. *Sigh* I never change. My interview at the art college came through - 1pm on 6th June. It's a Friday but there's no facilitating course as the Steering group is on that week. I'm meant to be getting my hair bleached and then dyed purple tomorrow. I'm nervous as for years I've had my mother telling me I can't bleach it as my hair isn't strong enough to take it. I just hope it doesn't all go wrong, especially now the dreadlocking goodies have arrived too. I gave up trying to find a wholly vegan alternative in the end and decided to just cope with the beeswax and when that runs out I'll search for a different product. Inkubus Sukkubus are playing at Joseph's Well tomorrow but Simon won't go with me, he wants to go to some silly goth club instead.
21:52

It's becoming clear to me that I need to make more time to blog. I haven't even written about my trip to Belfast yet and I've been home almost a week. It's slack and lazy. How naughty of me.

Today was the last day of my photography class. We were expecting to have a lesson next week but the tutor has decided he wants to take that time to mark all our work instead. He's given us provisional marking and I received 100/120 which I'm pleased with. Providing the examiners don't move the grade boundaries it should get me an A. The lesson wasn't very stressful, it was mostly finishing off projects and the like. I printed off four copies of the wonderful picture I took of Sam, Rebecca's son and spent a long time trying to find her dad, who works at the college, so I could give him a copy to pass on to her. I didn't know his first name though, or the subject he teaches, so I didn't have much luck. By sheer chance I saw Rebecca disappearing behind a door and I managed to catch her and hand her the print. She seemed very pleased with it. We didn't talk for long at all, I didn't want to make the situation awkward by trying to initiate a conversation when we haven't spoken properly in so long. I can take hints.

I rang my dad and persuaded him to come pick me up so I didn't have to battle with all my college work on the bus. He'd been playing Blackjack at the casino though and had won some money so he took me to Roots and Fruits for lunch. I had potato wedges and a burger, then went to Beanos and got a slice of a very lovely but very sickly chocolate black cherry crumble. We went to Morrisons and I bought some more of their wonderful onion bagels, then when we were waiting for mum to meet back up with us I went to Argos and bought a new telephone. The one I've been using in recent years makes loud static occasionally and it drives me crazy. Now I have a shiny, new silver phone. Woo! I also popped into Shared Earth to investigate their bags. They didn't have anything I wanted (but lots I liked). They did however have some funky ring earrings, a hodgeheg postcard and some writing paper with a helicopter on it with a man hanging off of a rope from it. (Look here if you don't understand.) This has now become the best thing B3ta has seen in ages. I feel proud to have discovered it.
23:54

It's been almost a fortnight since I last posted something longer than than a couple of sentences. I have good reasons, as in I was in Belfast and my blogging software is run from my hard drive, not from my server. Regardless it means I now have to have a marathon blogging session. I'm behind on other things too. I still haven't started on my new layout / website. I have unread books and magazines stacking up beside me. I have a large pile of clothes which I desperately need to Ebay, not just to make more space in my house but also so that I can get some more money, my finances are grim currently and need a good replenishing. I have about 15 CDs I've bought recently and are still unlistened to. This is because I'm listening to all 24GB of my .mp3s in alphabetical order, I'm currently on M. I'm fairly sure that aside from the music the reason for this slackness is B3ta. More addictive than crack doesn't even cover it. I still go every day despite believing they hate me being there and wish I would leave. I'm on the verge of leaving too. I don't want to have to, but I've done these things before when they were necessary for self-survival, and I might have to do it again.

The day before I went to Ireland my bag was stolen from my living room. I was upstairs at the time, with music on, as I am now, but the front door (well, my only door) was unlocked. I don't usually feel the need to lock it as I live in a fairly reasonable area but now I lock it all the time. It complicates matters what with Cinnamon never being able to decide if he wants to go outside or not, but it's necessary now. In my bag was my digital camera, £7 in cash, my provisional driving licence, my bank card, my student card, my library card, a card my friend Melissa brought me back from her holiday in America when she was 14, sheets I hadn't yet read about the psychodrama group I'm joining at SHIP, lip balm, two tubes of anxiety pills and other miscellaneous items which have no monetary value but plenty of personal use. That doesn't even include the bag itself which was new and expensive. They didn't take my keys which were sitting by the bag so I suspect it was just a one-off robbery, but the door remains locked regardless. The real problem was I discovered the bag was missing five minutes before I had to leave the house to go meet Simon, so I was left with no money and no method of contacting him to explain what had happened as he doesn't have a mobile. I decided my best course of action was to first cancel my bank card, then to borrow £5 from my next door neighbour so I could get into town where Simon could give me hugs and help me to feel better. I could ring the police afterwards. So that's what I did and Simon was very helpful, he gave me hugs and bought me replacement lip balm and pills, and some lunch too. When I came home I looked up the number of my local police station online but there was a section in which you could report minor non-emergency crimes online. Being someone who still isn't very comfortable with unknown people and situations I thought this would be an easy solution and filled in the form. The day after I received an email from them saying they couldn't take the details over the internet and would have to talk to me in person. Ah well. I arranged for them to come around the day after I arrived home. They didn't turn up though, they were too busy, and rearranged to come the evening afterwards. They rang me at 6pm saying they would be with me within an hour but they didn't arrive until half past 10, as I was just going to bed. It did mean that I got many jobs done though, as I was sat downstairs so that I couldn't accidentally miss them. I washed the sofa covers and I cleaned my kitchen work surfaces and the living room window ledge, and I read several chapters of the binge eating self help manual the Eating Disorders Clinic had given to me which I had barely started but need to have read in a week's time as that's when my next appointment with them is. The police themselves were friendly, in fact we spent most of the time discussing cats. They gave me a number to ring in case I come up with any more information for them, and then they left about 11pm. I don't expect to get anything back, I only reported it to help the crime statistics, but they say if they come across anything which may be mine they'll let me know. This all means that I need to buy a new bag. I've been looking round the shops but I still haven't decided on one. I could buy another identical to the one which was stolen, but something is holding me back. Perhaps the hope I'll find something even better soon.

I was feeling brave on Thursday and went to get my nose repierced. It didn't occur to me until I saw the needle just what I was doing. And it hurt. But it's all done now and it made me feel wonderful. Rory's ordered me a dreadlocking starter kit and has convinced me to bleach then dye my hair. At this rate I might start liking myself soon.
19:26

I'm home. Will blog later.
22:00