Regular readers will have noticed I haven't written in 9 days and the blog's been offline for most of that. Greymatter got hacked again, Rory says it was due to a hole in Greymatter and my PHP so he banned me from using them together. He then came over to see me so I didn't have much time spare to find an alternative method. I was orignally going to install Moveable Type but Rory said that would cause just the same problems. I then decided to try Blogger but I can't get it to display exactly as I want it so I got sick of fighting with it and decided just to hand code everything. David is meant to be working on building a program for me to use but it's not useable yet. So here I am, typing everything out. Rory says it's a waste of time and I'd be better off learning how to program myself something specialised but the thought overwhelms and scares me so for the time being this is the way things are going to be done.

There's so much to say about what has happened since I last wrote. I don't have the energy to detail it all. I should have written a little each night that I could have published once the blog was running again but what with Rory staying I became distracted. I don't remember last weekend, so presumambly it wasn't very interesting. Monday's photography class was spent printing shots and creating images by placing an object directly onto the photographic paper then exposing it to the light. We then learnt how to dye these. My parents were in town at the end of the class as dad was going to London for an interview and mum had driven him in. We arranged to meet so they could come in and see what I have been doing since September but due to the terrible parking facilities around college they couldn't find somewhere to leave the car so only mum came in to see. She said she was very impressed with what we had been doing, once the teacher had found my work that is. He'd left it somewhere safe and then forgot all about it. She chatted to the teacher who enthusiastic about me and said I should consider taking the A-level next year. Afterwards we found dad and parked down at the car park where their friend Derek works. Mum and I went shopping (separately) and Dad left to go to London. I ended up buying a Speedball Baby CD and some funky tights from H&M - one pair olive, one pair aubergine. Mum and I met back at the car only to find out Derek had lost her car keys. He'd been moving some cars around and her keys had dropped out of his pocket into the car of a friend of his, who had already gone home. There was only one thing for it - I had to get the bus home and mum had to catch the train. Derek said he would ring his friend, explain the situation, and hopefully we could have the keys back by tomorrow when Dad could pick up the car after getting back from London. I was glad to get home at last when I finally made it back. Rory turned up in the evening and after having a drink we went to bed.

On Tuesday we had a quick trip to town to buy a network card for my computer so that Rory's telephone which he had brought from work would work. However it turned out it also needed an ADSL router which just made things even more complicated. My dad ended up buying me one as Rory was insistent that he needed it there and then. In the evening we went to see Donnie Darko. It was rather excellent. We had an arguement afterwards as Rory decided it was crap because he heard someone else claim it was the best film he'd ever seen. I don't want to go into what I liked and didn't like about the film as I've gone over it all with Rory and David. Let's just say it was flawed but still wonderful and highly recommended.

We made paper mache boxes at Arts class on Wednesday which was messy but fun. In the afternoon we were supposed to be finishing our acrylic painting but I refused to paint and instead Andy got me creating a two point perspective picture with bits of paper stuck down in the right places (allegedly). We didn't see Simon in the evening as he was working overtime. We were occupied though as we went to see The D4. IT was very busy there and exceedingly hot. I didn't cope as well as I did at Bright Eyes but I still managed to stay for most of the set. Unfortunately Mika Bomb weren't playing for some unexplained reason. I think that if I had been able to dance and relax and enjoy myself I would have had an excellent time. The music was ace and the atmosphere was excited, I just couldn't join in due to my neuroses. I'm slowly getting better though.

Friday we went shopping in Leeds. Rory spent a huge amount of money on clothes and I managed to get some items I wanted to help me present my mirror photographs. We got home about 4 o'clock and I was online talking to David who said he was playing a gig that evening. He was a last minute stand in for one of the bands who were meant to be supporting James' accoustic band / Tom's country band (same thing, just known both ways). Rory and I decided to go along, we were tired but I really wanted to go see him and it was only £1 in. I quickly cooked us some tea - sweet and sour tofu stir fry, which was quite successful, despite Rory refusing to eat the pineapple. I was stressed getting to the pub as it had been so long since I saw David and I wanted things to work out OK, I was fine once we had met and exchanged pleasantries etc. As for his playing, to say he'd had 24 hours notice he did remarkably well. It was just him and his guitar and I was proud of him as I knew he was very nervous about it. Jessica arrived halfway through which was a bit of a surprise as David said he didn't think she would come as she didn't want to have to see Amy, who was also staying away as she didn't want to have to see Jessica. I pleased to see them hug and get along as I know David's bothered about the fact he's in the middle of the arguement between them when he just wants everyone to get along. The second act to play was Northern Theremonic, who played well-known pieces on a theremin and a keyboard. You haven't lived until you've heard Bohemian Rhapsody on a theremin. We couldn't stop laughing it was so good. Finally then was Tom and James' band, in a country / accoustic stylee. They were good, easy to listen to etc. They didn't grab me and make me fall in love with them but should they be playing again and I had nothing on I'd go along. Everything finished at 11pm and I said goodbye to David, agreed we'd talk on Tuesday to arrange meeting for the Hope play on Wednesday. I didn't jump on him or kill him (or myself); I think I coped rather well. It was slightly upsetting but I managed and I think as long as we don't push things too far too quickly we might be able to maintain a good friendship. I haven't heard from him what he thought and felt but I hope it was similar to my experience.

Yesterday was much more laid-back than the rest of the week. We stayed in and did very little other than make and eat apple crumble. Rory went home this morning and we agreed that this visit had been much more successful than the last. He's probably going to be next visiting me in the New Year which is far enough away to not seem like he's constantly around. I haven't got any plans for the rest of the weekend. I was going to read the week's B3ta I'd missed but I can't be bothered. Monnie from Out 2 25 rang to say the young women's lesbian and bi-sexual group is starting again on Tuesday. It will run fortnightly at 6pm. It's too close to the SHIP LGB group (1:30 - 3:30) to make going home worth while and too far away to make staying in town viable, so I don't know if I'm going to go or not yet. I do need to get out and meet more women but the time just isn't appropriate, unfortunately.
17:08

I did a tarot reading last night. It said that right now I need patience and eventually things will get better, I will get better (seven of pentacles). Friends and happiness are helping me (three of cups) but the David affair is hindering me (King of Swords). In the future someone might turn up from my past. In the immediate future I may have to do some solitary undercover work to help myself (seven of swords). I need to be careful with money. If an opportunity presents itself for excitement I should grab it (four of cups). Temperance was the Hopes and Fears card. In the end everything will be resolved.
09:36

Three pieces of bad news to start with today. The government wants to introduce ID cards; I went to the postal depot to collect some post which needed me to pay 90p for, hoping it would be one of the several things I've bought online recently but it turned out to be a brochure from Swarthmore and thus I am just a little bit pissed off at having to pay for this; and someone hacked my blog on Sunday leaving some viruses around to infect the host server. Luckily the crisis was averted as the server I use is a different type to the one the virus would work on. Other bad things happening include the still escalating weight / food problem that even Rory's bribery (a book for every day I do some exercises) is failing to combat; it being far too cold in my house to be sensible; and missing the Four Planes gig last night. David isn't online today to tell me how it all went either, so I've no idea at all if everything went well or if their equipment exploded, his friends had a fight and amputated each other, the landlord went after them with an axe and the guitar strings broke. Or something.

There is good news however: an excellent article in the Guardian by Germaine Greer about the necessity or expendability of males; I've realised The Rapture and The Zephyrs are wonderful; the photographs I took at the weekend are mostly usable.
13:24

Yesterday I finally thought of an idea for my photography project. I decided to take inspiration from the Mirror Project and photograph myself in reflective surfaces. After a few fairly successful trail runs with my digital camera last night, I went into town today armed the traditional film-loaded specimen. Alders provided plenty of oppotunities for shots what with a mirror department, shiny saucepans in kitchenware, baubles in Christmas decorations, and some public toilets. Marks and Spencers had 3 angled mirrors in their changing rooms; Harvey Nichols had an arty mirror display and a mirrored lift; Next had mirrors at ankle height in their shoe department, where I photographed my mum in a pair of red high heels with diamante studs and a large red bow - Fuck Me Shoes if ever there was a pair. I have no idea how any of these shots will turn out, chances are that most of them will unusable, but I'll have to wait until I develop the film tomorrow to see.

Dad had arranged for an engineer to come service the gas boiler on Friday so I spent most of the day hiding upstairs, wondering why my internet connection was only allowing me to see certain sites (seeminly random sites at that) when it had been fine when I went to bed the night before. By the end of Friday there was hot water available in the kitchen again but the internet enigma was still unsolved. Saturday offered no solution either until out of desperation I checked my ISP's home page again and found the problem had been with them and apparantly if I reconnected all should be fine once more. I tried it. It worked. I almost kissed my monitor in happiness. A B3ta-less Sarah is not a happy Sarah. When they said it was more addictive than crack they weren't kidding.

It's the Four Planes gig tomorrow and unfortunately I won't be going. It's too soon, seeing David will just make me upset. I spent most of Thursday crying again because of it all. In any case he probably wouldn't have very much time to talk to me as he would be stressed about the gig itself and he's also concerned that with both Amy and Jessica going along a fight might erupt. He'll have his hands full, in other words. I hope that it goes well for them though and with luck I might be able to go to the next gig in December. Rory's pressuring me to make contact beyond the internet with David, he says we should meet in some neutral ground next week, but it's too soon. If I push it too quickly I could end up making myself worse, which obviously I want to avoid.
19:15

My dad says my mum came home a couple of days ago saying she had bought me a vegan christmas pudding for in case I decide to spend Christmas with them. My dad looked at the pudding and said that it was organic, not vegan. "Is that not the same thing?" asked my mum. He looked at the ingredients. It has eggs in it.

I don't even like Christmas pudding. My mum knows this.
20:39

Yet again I missed Hope on Monday due to feeling too fat and depressed to leave the house. I don't think I'm going to attempt going again until the new year, maybe things will have changed by then. So instead I stayed in and wasted time online. Nowt new there, then. I was absent from both the confidence building and LGB groups also, for the same reason. I really need to sort my eating out. Rory is bribing me more than ever before - a book a day to do 50 sit-ups a day for next fortnight. We'll see how it goes.

I missed batik printing this morning but that was due to having to see my psychologist. I made it in for the afternoon session though. Whoever said that lino block printing was calming and relaxing was taking the piss. Luckily my escalating injuries didn't continue today but I did get very frustrated at some paper shapes which I kept gluing down in incorrect positions or upside down or back to front etc. It was worth it when everything was printed though as it looked rather wonderful. I felt rather proud.

Continuing on a creative tip (in a way) I cooked Proper Food this evening. Tofu (marinated in soya sauce), green pepper, onion, mushrooms and carrot stir fried with raspberry chipotle sauce (don't ask) and rice. There was enough for two people and I scoffed the lot, and yoghurt on top of that. It was edible though! And even more than that, it tasted nice! Maybe this is a new leaf I'm turning over? (Ha! Fat chance!)
20:30

Cinnamon found his way home at half past four on Sunday morning. He mewed loud enough to wake me up so he probably woke up the rest of the street too. I stumbled downstairs to let him in and feed him for which he seemed very grateful. He ate a whole can of food in a couple of hours but he didn't look like he'd lost weight so I have no idea where he's been. I was starting to hope he wouldn't come back because as much as I love him all he really does is make my house smelly and hairy and cost me lots of money and hassle. I'm glad he's safe though.

I had a haircut yesterday. There's a picture here if you want to see what it looks like. It's much shorter though I am slightly worried it makes me look like a lesbian. I wanna look like a woman, damn it.

I finished my local area project in photography this morning so I'm now onto the people project. The teacher said Christmas is really too far away so I have to come up with a new idea. The only thing I can think of taking lots of photographs of the class and other people in college and then cutting them all up and gluing them back together in the wrong order, to make new people. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated.
16:14

Wednesday afternoon at Swarthmore involved more lino block printing. Last week I cut my thumb, this week I almost split it open. I'm worried that next week I'll end up losing a hand. In the evening I decided to be brave and go see Bright Eyes in a dress. A short dress at that. With stripey tights. I met Morag in the train station which wasn't too stressful and there was plenty of pretty people to look at to pass the time whilst I waited for her to get changed. We had a leisurely walk up to Joseph's Well and I had a vodka once we got there. I spent most of the evening sat on the floor at the back, talking to Morag whilst Azure Ray and the Good Life (who she says are a Pavement rip-off) played. When Bright Eyes took to the stage I stood on the stool Morag had been sitting on. It made a change being able to see the band at a gig as I'm so small I usually can't see over everyone else's heads. Somehow they managed to fit eleven musicians and their instruments (including two drum kits! two!) on the small stage. They played two songs from Fevers and Mirrors and the rest were from Lifted. It was a good gig and I coped well. I think I might *gasp!* be getting better!

Thursday and Friday were pretty boring, really. I had a nice sleep in on Friday, getting out of bed at half past two. I spent the afternoon chatting with David but I became upset again. On Thursday I was thinking about how well I was doing and that we might actually be able to meet up again soon but Friday proved me wrong. Maybe it was the thought of spending the weekend alone and him going off and having a social life. Whatever the reason I was upset but eventually it passed. Today has been boring again but Simon came round to see me for a while. Cinnamon has been away though, I haven't seen him in about 48 hours, which is rather worrying. It's been very cold recently too.
16:29

A blog from college today. I couldn't be bothered going to get a sandwich so I decided to spend lunchtime online instead. This morning we furthered our batik work. We added the first layer of wax to the cloth and dyed it for the first time. It's looking good and I'm rather proud of it. However we had to produce a second cloth of freeform design and I finished last. Everyone else finished and left for lunch early so I was on my own at the end and it brought back years of memories from school. Joy.

I'm in bad need of a haircut. I think I'm going to go for something Halle Berry-esque (will add a photo later, when I get home). I don't know what my mum will reckon to it though. I've also been in the mood for getting a hole put in my body recently. I thought maybe nose as it's a relatively small and inexpensive piercing but then I thought that my nose gets cold enough as it is and what with it being winter adding metal to it would just be asking for trouble.

I haven't been very well mentally in the past couple of days. I've been missing David a lot and I've been eating a lot, thus feeling fat and ugly. I've also been spending loads of money which has made me feel down too. Maybe I'll cheer up tonight when I go see Bright Eyes with Morag. We're meeting in Leeds train station though which means I'll be stressed from the start. Vodka may be in order. Ah well. Such is life.
12:47

I have had the most god-awful day. It has included leaving for college late; getting on the wrong bus (that still went in the right direction); being unable for no clear reason to produce a photograph that wasn't black; a photograph enlarger that refused to project rectangles, only trapezoids; and wonky trapezoids at that; the teacher losing my first project; feeling depressed due to the David affair; just missing the bus home; spending far more in the supermarket than I was planning on; and spilling my lunch down my clothes and on the floor. In balance though once we'd found my photography project the teacher said it was mostly very good and I obviously have an eye for an image. And backrubslut from B3ta said I was pretty.

Simon's meant to be coming round to see me shortly and I'm going to see 28 Days Later with my parents this evening. Not going to Hope tonight but I'm certainly going to the LGB group tomorrow - I think I deserve some space for a rant.
17:04

Nothing revelationary has happened. David hasn't changed his mind, I haven't suddenly got over it, and I suppose the good news is I haven't harmed myself over it either. I've wanted to but I haven't done anything. I've been spending my time messing around online mostly, and eating lots of comfort food which hasn't make me feel any better in the long run as I got more depressed about being fat.

Apparantly Jessica has been reading this blog, so hello Jessica. Simon's coming round tomorrow to give me hugs as he couldn't come today because he was making Sunday lunch for his mum and brothers. David has decided not to come to see Bright Eyes on Wednesday but Morag says she's still coming. I'm not going to be able to go to the Four Planes gig on Friday, it's just far too early to attempt something like that. Pep from B3ta says she likes my site which is a huge compliment.
21:53

OK so things haven't quite gone to plan. I didn't go and meet David and we won't be going out tomorrow either. He says he's been thinking and he's decided to stop playing with me and to go out with his friend Amy instead. Something must have happened between them at the Fugazi concert last night. He said that most of all he can't cope with the polyamourous thing and when he thinks about it he ends up just blocking out, which isn't a healthy thing to do. He said he thinks we're too different but the examples he listed seemed to me to be good differences. I think we're too alike for things to work properly, not too different.

It was extremely difficult not to get down on my knees and beg him to reconsider, to say I'd have him back whatever the cost, but I want to maintain some dignity and self-respect. I'm trying to be adult about it. Though I did say that if he changed his mind he knew where I was. He says he still wants to be friends and I do hope that we can manage to work that out. I think he's a wonderful person and I don't want to lose him, especially when he was doing so many positive things for me - introducing me to new people, new music, new food, taking me to see bands and films, giving me a social life, someone else to complain at and hug. I need him to stop me sinking back into the monotonous dreary life I create for myself as I don't have any other local friends. But however much it hurts, I don't need him as a lover and I can't have him as that any more.

I'll miss him immensely, his smell (which I can conjure up in my memory at will), his grin, his mannerisms. Yes I'll still have them, if I choose to remain friends, but things won't be the same. I thought I had finally found someonee who wanted me and accepted me for who I am and loved me despite it all. But evidently not. Why do they always leave me for some one else at the first chance they get? This is the fourth time it's happened, the only person who hasn't left me is Rory but then he hasn't been offered an alternative yet. I've been listening to Marine Research and eating comfort food - chips, chocolate, popcorn. All it ended up doing was making me feel sick from eating so much.

He says he'll be in touch at some point over the weekend to see how I'm doing. Right now I'm so-so. I've calmed down and stopped crying and I'm not bursting into a fresh bout of tears everytime he enters my head, but I'll probably be rather touchy for the next few days. With luck we'll be able to go see Bright Eyes on Wednesday still. Having Morag there will probably help matters.

It just keeps coming back to me that when given a choice everyone has always chosen someone other than me - the Simons chose their respective partners, Stephen chose Buko, and now David has chosen Amy. What's wrong with me? And why can't I just be happy that Rory loves me and puts up with me (and that takes a hell of a lot)?
23:56

I know, I need to make a concerted effort to blog more regularly than once a week. My only defence is my new found social life.

Playing catch up then, and on Saturday evening David came round. I met him from the bus so I could give him hugs before he met Rory. We had some lovely food, stir fried vegetables and tofu and some vermicelli masquerading as noodles. We all had a drink and a couple of joints and talked crap for the evening. David was pretty quiet but I expected him to be. When it came to bed time, Rory slept upstairs in my bed, I was in the spare room and David slept on the sofa with Cinnamon. We all met up again in the morning and had the chocolate space cake David had baked. It was lovely.

When he went home Rory and I tried harder to be round each other and be nice to each other but things seemed strained. Overnight I had changed and no longer seemed to want to be around him. It was very disconcerting and confusing and I didn't know why it had happened. We parted on Monday morning both feeling upset and confused. It wasn't very pleasant.

In Photography I developed my film of local photographs and managed to print off two of my images. I would have managed a third but I had forgotton how to make contact sheets and it took me three attempts to get it right. In the evening Rory I discussed the weekend and what we should do about it. We decided to leave things as they are for the time being and see how we feel about each other when he next comes over.

Despite the rain I went to the confidence building session on Tuesday morning. I wasn't feeling well - my throat infection had cleared up but I felt fat and ugly. The tutor wanted us all to particpate in the proceedings but I remained firm and did little. Afterwards I went shopping as I was determined to buy a new coat. The one I had I've had for five years. Buttons have fallen off, the lining is ripped and it's woollen so I'm allergic to it. I trapised all round town looking for a suitable replacement, buying a new cardigan (like my orange one but purple) and a wonderful furry hat in the progress. Eventually I found something like what I wanted in Free Spirit, a boardie / snowboarding style shop opposite Marks and Spencers. The coat is a beigey colour with purple fur on the hems and cuffs and it cost £60. I'm gonna try and get my parents to give me some money towards it as I really shouldn't be spending so much money when I still had a coat that I could have worn, even though it brings back bad memories and makes me feel depressed when I wear it.

I managed to make it to the LGB group just on time and told them about the weekend. Everyone agreed it's strange when your feelings for someone change and they were generally sympathetic. I told them about what happened to me on Monday too, that I was standing at the bus stop waiting to go home when Claire walked past me. She looked smart and confident and I think she'd seen me as she was wearing a smirk. It took a few seconds for it to sink in that it was her so I didn't get chance to go after her and try and catch up on what she's been doing for the past five or six years but it's good to know she's still alive.

On Wednesday at Swarthmore we changed from pottery to batik printing. I'm doing a spirally-swirly effort that I'm actually quite pleased with. We also changed from painting to lino block printing. IT took me ages to find a suitable image to work with and in the end I chose a star and circle effort. I managed to split my thumb open cutting the lino though. In the evening I went over to David's. The bus took ages to come but it wasn't as bad as last week. We were going to go see Donnie Darko but David had managed to catch the cold / flu that I had and he wasn't feeling up to it. We stayed in instead and he cooked a lovely curry and we had an early night, neither of us has adjusted to the time change yet (clocks went back on Sunday).

He had booked Thursday off work so we went shopping in town as he wanted to buy a new lamp. There wasn't anything he wanted so we went to Ikea. Yes, I know, we went to Ikea, and we were holding hands. You might as well marry us off right now. Our only saving point was that we weren't buying for a shared house. He found a wonderful cube light thing which he bought and there was also some wonderful lights, like fairy lights, only each light had its own light shade, which was a semi-circle paper shade. They were amazing and I want some so badly, but they were £12 and I can't afford to randomly spend £12 on lights. I did however spend £13 on a vase, some picture frames, some small pictures for the frames, a bowl, some ashtrays and two clocks. It's a good job we didn't go to Toys R Us as it was bad enough trying to get everything home on the bus as it was.

I'm going over to David's house again tonight, we're meant to be going to see Big Eyes and Casino Volante at the Packhorse. We might go to the firework display in Hebden Bridge tomorrow, or one of his work mates is having a party. A busy weekend. The shock though is that he's shaved his beard off! He says he was sick of it so he's going to try and keep up with the shaving for a little while. Personally I think I prefered the beard.
14:57