It's taken me so long to blog as there's been a lot to say and I was avoiding having to type it all. Here's a rundown of what's been happening then.

I decided to swallow my fear and go to the B3ta Bash. I'd arranged to meet David at 7pm and when we got to Strawberry Fields there was no one in the pub and no indicator of where they would be. We decided the most sensible option was to go next door to the Fenton for a drink to wait for others to turn up. So half an hour later when we went back there was a B3ta poster on the door which reassured us. Already there were Damian the Unbeliever, Lady Delirium, Porn Dungeon, Big Dave, Monkey Boy Blue, Agent V and two non-B3tan friends of Lady Delirium. Later on MB and a friend turned up.

I think everyone was nervous at first but once the alcohol started flowing people started to ease up. Damien drank everything in sight and spent the evening trying to molest everyone he could. We weren't sure if he was serious or messing around though, and that was the scary bit. I took my drinking slowly and had 2 vodka and cokes all night. There were plenty of pretty people in the pub, including a lovely woman with dreadlocks who Porn Dungeon went to chat up. He insisted on dragging me along with him as I had expressed my attraction to her and when I tried to resist, he picked me up and carried me into the room with him. Then I ran away, heh heh.

We stayed at Strawbs until closing time when we moved down to the Dry Dock. It was rather crowded in there and much noiser so I wasn't too happy at being there. I persevered though and managed to witness Damian collapsing on the floor in a drunken huddle and one of the non-B3tas offering her arse to anyone who wanted a feel. Unfortunately her skirt was a bit thick so I couldn't feel it too well. David and I were holding hands inside his hoodie pouch and after a while we went outside to get some air. We stood on the bank hugging and looking at the stars. He asked me if I wanted to come back home with him. Which was just typical as I needed to go home as I'd left the light on and the cat in with not much food. It took me about two minutes of meandering to decide he could come back to my house and Damian too, as he was meant to be sleeping on David's couch.

We left fairly soon after that as it was around 1am and Damian was wrecked. He slept on my sofa with no complaints. In fact he was so agreeable he wouldn't even let me remove the cat hair-covered throws before he went to sleep. And he didn't ask for a blanket. David and I went upstairs and for about an hour we sat on my bed not saying much, him stroking my feet, both of us being too shy and timid to make a move. Eventually someone must have done as we ended up spending many hours enjoying each others bodies and the pleasure they can produce. And not much time sleeping.

Simon was due round at 11am so I made sure everyone was up and presentable by that time, even if Damian and David both looked very hungover. Typically Simon, he turned up late, but it didn't really matter. I saw the B3tans off and stayed to talk to Simon. He was all happy at me having fun the night before which made me feel even better. Dad turned up at 1pm and we went to the supermarket which was full of the new students. There was so many people there that the car park was jam packed and it took us about half an hour to make our way out.

Monday's photography class was good as we were sent out to photograph things. I walked round in a group with 4 other people and we enjoyed ourselves for an hour or two. When we returned to college the tutor showed us how to develop the negatives from the film which was interesting to learn about. Next week we're going to make some prints from the negatives which involves dark room work.

Monday evening I went to Hope. It was my first time at the evening group so I was nervous and it didn't help matters when i was late due to a fire engine blocking off part of the Headrow. No one seemed to mind though. There were two other new people present as well which made me feel a bit better. No one really wanted to take any time so we split into pairs and went off to chat for a while. I was partnered with a lovely person called Rhea who was beautiful. She was wearing brown cords, silver DM's and had her hair in small plaits. She's 21, from Hastings and lives in Harehills. I was quite smitten with her!

Today I went to see the psychiatrist. I was geared up for another terrible meeting but aside from him being 40 minutes behind schedule, everything went OK. It was quite a shock. I'm going to see him again in 4 months time and that was that. Afterwards I went to the LGB group where I told them about my new friend everyone was very happy. "Chuffed" was what Andy said. The rest of the time wasn't quite so good with lots of people irritating me but I stayed quiet and came home quickly.

I've been discussing with David what might happen between us. I thought he was against the idea of open relationships but it seems I misinterpreted him and he says he'd like to be my friend and to do sexual things with me and he doesn't object to me continuing my relationship with Rory. This is very good news, it's more than I could ask for really. He says he feels a little lost in it all as this is a new area to him but hopefully there won't be any other problems. I'm going to lend him the polyamorous bible, The Ethical Slut which with some luck will iron out any confusion or answer any questions he has.

So right now I'm very hopeful and happy. There's lots of good things going on in my life right now and I'm very grateful for that. I just have to try and not persuade myself that soon it'll all come crashing down.
22:54

Worryingly I found yesterday that all posts I'd made from September 10th to present had been deleted, and even worse Greymatter had no memory of them having ever existed. Luckily the answer was simple - Rory and Gavin were sorting out the servers again now they're back in control of them and hadn't managed to install the latest back-up of my files. So the previous posts are now back in their full glory, should you have missed them.

Very little has been happening. I've been spending my time mostly on the computer playing Minesweeper or Alchemy. It's the B3ta Bash tonight and already I'm nervous. Last time I was nervous over something for the whole day I ended up in a terrible state in town on the verge of a panic attack. Hopefully I'll be able to control myself a bit better this time. I do want to go this evening but I don't want to face people after what was said. I'm worried of people laughing at me. I'm also worried about alcohol - will they laugh at me for not drinking properly? Will I drink far too much and do something silly and then they'll take the piss out of me for months afterwards? It doesn't help that Simon isn't coming round today so he can't hug me and help me rationalise things.
14:37

Rory won the court case! Well, not quite won as it didn't manage to get as far as the courtroom, they managed to produce a settlement. It's great news, meaning Rory will have a job and things to do and money again, he'll be able to come see me (and pay me back the money he owes me) and there won't be any more worry about it all. I'm so happy for him.

The Homeless Guy is a blog by Kevin who has been homeless for 20 years. He posts from public libraries and it makes for interesting and informative reading.

Alchemy is a very simple and extremely addictive game.

Tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Will YOU be participating? Oooh Arrrh, I be, I hopes.
22:18

Overall, yesterday was a good day. I was worried about the start of my photography class but things worked out fine. I found the room and I was there on the right day and I didn't too anything too terrible. The lecturer seems nice, despite the fact he never asked us our names so I was sat in a room with 15 other people and no idea who they were. The course is 80% practical which is wonderful but the news that we have to pay for our own materials - photographic paper and films - isn't.

At the break, one girl from the class came over to talk to me, she said her name was Emily. We went to the cafeteria to see about getting a drink. She was in the queue for the tea machine so stop me from hanging around looking useless, I said I'd do sit down. I watched her and she got talking to another woman in the queue and once they had made their drinks they walked off to the other side of the room (and it's a big room) with each other. Hmm. Didn't pay for their drinks either.

I got home from town at about half past two and discovered the huge spider from my bedroom had reappeared in the kitchen. I rang dad who came across and saved me. I asked if I could exchange my computer chair with one of his, now that Robert's going away to uni. He said no, but that he would buy me one if I wanted, so we went off in search of second hand office furniture stores. Decided on a nice red one. The only drawback is I can't really curl up in it like I used to with the old one, and the casters can get annoying. It's much better for my back though.

I ate a rushed tea of cucumber sandwiches. Well, not quite that rushed as I managed to eat four, and they weren't very small either. When I was at the bus stop waiting to go into town to meet David my mum rang me up. She wrangled it out of me that I was off to meet a strange bloke from the internet so being my pessimistic mother she told me I'd end up with AIDS or dead. So I told her I'd done much worse than this before and when she asked for clarification, I told her about going to see Stephen. Bet she she wished she'd never asked. She did make me promise to ring her today though, to check I'm not dead. As if it would make much difference by that point.

There was no problems meeting David. We were both on time and recognised each other and, most importantly, were in the same place as each other. (Memories of meeting Jenny spring to mind - we were waiting by the coach stop, she was waiting at the bus station entrance. Oops. And Harriet too, actually. I turned up at half past one, she arrived on time at half past six. Ahem.) We went to the Blue Bar for a drink and a chat. We were understandably both a bit nervous but we managed to keep the conversation going and make jokes and I managed to drink vodka and not try and rape him so we did rather well. We went to see The Importance of Being Earnest which was wonderful. It was very funny and well acted but not nearly enough corsets for my liking. Afterwards we went to get the bus and had a hug and I was feeling very happy.

When I got home I had a long conversation with Rory who delighted in extracting information from me. He was surprised at the lack of juciy gossip, especially seeing as I'd been drinking. We talked a bit about his court case, which starts tomorrow. He's a little stressed by it all but that's only to be expected I guess.

I went back online again afterwards which was when I started feeling shit. I was checking the B3ta pub scheduler to see if anyone had left any more comments about Saturday's meet up, and they had. Someone said something which I interpreted as making fun of and attacking my request for confirmation of facts about what was arranged, which I explained I wanted as I worry about things and wanted to know where I stood with regards things. I don't know if i'll be able to go to the meet up now, as I don't want to face the person so that they can laugh at me in person as well as online.

Today was the LGB group which I ranted at. I didn't feel up to the bickering and bitchiness of Out 2 25 though so I came home at 5pm. I went to Boots to buy some more Argent. Nit. which does wonders for my anxiety and panic attacks and I noticed for the first time that it contains lactose. Knowing that just made me more depressed as I feel I need them but I don't want to take them due to what they're made of. I collaged the front of my photography book though which made me feel a little better, but I've sunk down again as Rory has gone out and David isn't around to talk to either and I feel rather lonely. On the Cinnamon front, he did a wonderfully firm poo this morning, followed by a liquid one this evening. Just when things were looking good.
23:16

Don't you hate the way that it will happen that you've been out and had a really good time and for once you actually feel good about yourself, and then someone will make some off-hand remark or you'll read something and then everything comes crashing down and you feel so much worse than you did at the beginning?

I need a hug.
00:00

I've had a very busy day and shall write properly about it all tomorrow, hopefully, but right now I need to go get the bus to meet David soon and I'm all scared and nervous! Argh! Need to calm down and breathe properly! And go have some fun. Yes. Bye.
18:42

I've had an easy couple of days. I got into a bit of a panic on Wednesday about my lack of money but Rory rationalised things and I'm not quite so worried any more. I didn't go to the women's group on Thursday though. I thought I'd have a sleep in and save a few pounds.

Simon's been working lots of overtime so I didn't see him through the week. He came over today though and gave me a small massage. It felt wonderful as I think I've pulled a muscle. I woke up in pain on Thursday morning after having a terrible nightmare but throughout the day it got a little bit better. Then during the night I had more bad nightmares and when I woke up on Friday the problem had worsened. Luckily last night was somewhat easier on me but it is still very stiff and painful to move. I tried having a bath this morning to help it but I couldn't persuade myself to stay in the hot water for more than five minutes. Simon suggested I try a more temperate bath sometime. Sounds like a good idea.

I've been chatting to a bloke called David over the B3ta M3ss3ng3r. He lives in Hyde Park and we seem to have a lot in common. He copied me some Sigur Ros CDs and I sent him a copy of my M�m CD in exchange. We've decided to go to the cinema to use up the free tickets my dad gave me. I don't know when we're going or what we'll see yet. We're also going to go play pool sometime as neither of us has played sober in a while. He's coming to the B3ta Bash too so I'll be getting to see quite a bit of him in the next fortnight or so. I'm very happy about it all - a new friend! In Leeds! So I hope that things turn out alright.

Cinnamon still isn't better but it's not as bad as it was. I won't go into details as it isn't very pleasant. I still can't get Soul Seek to work and I'm missing downloading new MP3s. Photography course starts on Monday! It's certainly going to be a busy time.
16:26

Monday was spent with mum shopping in Leeds. I bought some underwired bras for the first time in my life. Shall see how they go. I usually find them terribly uncomfortable. We went to Moderno for a coffee but they were closed so I decided to go to the closest place, which turned out to be Queens Court. It took mum about 2 minutes to figure out it was a gay pub, though she did fail to notice the huge mural on the wall with gay symbols.

The evening started well with my dad not talking to me, my parents not talking to each other and Robert talking to no one. He cheered up a little though when I filled in the Independant crossword with dirty words, like "arsecakes" and "willy". The food at Tampopo was lovely and the decor was gorgeous. Very modern and minimalistic. Everyone enjoyed themselves, once we had all decided to start speaking to each other again.

Yesterday I went to the LGB group but not Hope and we finished off the chocolate cake my dad made. No one figured it was vegan until I told them. Later on someone is coming to fit the blind in the bathroom and Simon should be coming in the evening. I'm slowly working my way through my pile of unlistened CDs.

And what blog entry written today would be complete without a reference to what happened last year? So here's mine. Hi Monkey has the best memorial idea I've seen. The End.
13:04

I opened my presents a day early. I have so many new CDs I don't know where to start listening to them all. So I'm still listening to MP3s. I also got The Art Book which is incredibly heavy and You Can Find Inspiration In Everything which is lighter than I remember it. Robert bought me The Unconsoled which is unfortunate as so did Dad. I have Robert's receipt though so I shall go exchange it.

We stopped off at Marks' and they have some really nice bras in. One was even non-wired (I hate underwired bras) and even though it had some horrible lace bits I may have to buy it just on principle.

My dad made me a birthday cake! It was extra chocolate flavour and 100% vegan. We were all very impressed and everyone said it tasted great. I think they spent about �20 making it having to buy all the ingredients specially. I was very surprised, pleasantly surprised. I was also surprised when Simon brought me some strawberries this morning. I like birthdays ;-)
20:09

I'm busy designing yet another new layout. It's involving a site overhaul though - I'm sick of having to change every page's layout each time I redesign so I'm using PHP to have content on one page and the layout on another. So far it's working.

Cinnamon's still unwell. He's been avoiding his litter tray too recently so I've been having to clean up sloppy cat poo from the sofa, floor etc. It's a lovely job, it is. I doubt I'll ever be able to eat chocolate mousse again.

For some reason Soul Seek decided to delete my queue and "wishlist" today, which I wasn't happy about. At least it left me with my buddy list.

Simon came round yesterday as on Wednesday he was at the hospital with a workmate who'd hurt his ankle. He ordered me Lifted for my birthday. Yey! Other music I've been listening to recently includes Meanwhile Back In Communist Russia, Kid Galahad, Mclusky, Koop and Mars Volta. All the CDs I asked for for my birthday I suddenly don't want and a whole load more have filled their space. Oh well. It's not like I don't want them any more really, more just that I've found others I'd rather have. This week.

And finally, a good article in the Guardian about the dangers of organised religion, with specific reference to the BBC.
19:29